This is a list of completed fics on ao3. List will be added to, once a new story is finished.
List under the cut
If I Could Turn Back Time
Workaholic Clarke has one major regret. It’s deep and won’t heal and it has been haunting her for years. And every time she thinks about Lexa, it all comes back to her. One night, part way into drowning her musings on missed chances in a bottle of expensive red wine, Clarke is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of an unexpected guest in a very unlikely place, offering her a glimpse at something she thought she would never have: a second chance.
2022 (12121 words, 4 chapters)
Kairos
(part 2 of Precious)
Kairos (Greek): The perfect, delicate, crucial moment; the fleeting rightness of time and place that creates the opportune atmosphere for action, words, or movement.
2021 (16628 words, 6 chapters)
Aware
(part 1 of Precious)
Aware (Japanese): The bittersweet feeling that accompanies fleeting moments of beauty that are transcendent but ephemeral.
2021 (9763 words, 4 chapters)
Fool Me Twice (You Burn Like Fire)
“Ah, don’t be fooled. It’s just Stacy’s special brew. Something for the strong hearted.”
It's supposed to be a simple case. Three slices of pie and a steamy night later, Lexa knows that was just wishful thinking.
Between kisses and handcuffs, her unlikely opponent threatens to outsmart her. Bending her own rules, Lexa allows them to continue their little cat and mouse game, each of them determined to keep the upper hand, until it's almost too late.
When a killer steps into the picture, the game turns into a race against time and Lexa's “case” is suddenly a lot more than just fun and business.
2021 (28937 words, 12 chapters)
To turn a blank page
“I don’t do cuddles in the morning” – that’s all Lexa is prepared to give her latest conquest before bailing. But there's something about this blonde that tells her it won't be so easy this time.
A tale of deliberately not looking for love but still finding it.
2020 (36926 words, 14 chapters)
Kiss me once, then kiss me twice. Then kiss me once again.
(Oneshot)
Aspiring actress Lexa arrives to audition for a commercial. Easy bucks. But it’s not just the scent of pumpkin spice and vanilla that has her head spinning.
2020 (3668 words, one shot)
I can see right through you
There's a package in her bag and a plan to spend the night. There's a beautiful stranger who is lost. And Clarke is not sure what the hell they're even talking about. But it's making her hot.
“Are you telling me I am too subtle, Clarke?"
"Well, I guess I tried pretty hard not to get it, too.”
You could say that.
2020 (20967 words, 9 chapters)
Fallen Gods
When Lexa chooses to overthrow one of the most basic grounder rules, she expects resistance. She does not expect Titus to team up with Indra for the ultimate betrayal. Unable to deal with them alone, she is thrown into a cell and left in the dark. All she has left is the hope that there is still someone on her side and that that someone will come for her.
2020 (10328 words, 8 chapters)
Horizon
Realizing that Clarke misses the stars, Lexa has to think of something. She can't take Clarke to the stars but maybe she can bring the stars to her.
2020 (3945 words, 2 chapters)
Hate to love, time is all we get
“The deal was for you to bring her unharmed.”
“She did not come easy.”
“I expect not.”
A different take on how this scene could have played out. Clarke is broken and even Lexa can't perform miracles, but she tries.
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Lately, I’ve learned the German word ‘Fernweh’ (literally ‘distance pain’), which describes the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else, like a reverse homesickness (‘Heimweh’), a longing for a place that isn’t where you are.
— Amy Liptrot, The Instant (Canongate Books, March 3, 2022)
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My now, my then, my won't let go, my come a little closer, closer still, my everything and everywhere, my how did I ever... without you? The purr of a soul, the calm of a heart, or two, the I love you, I love you, I love you. Don't have enough words, nowhere close enough, but really, what the fuck took you so long? My finally, at last, don't stop. My thank you, my please, oh please, my...
"You're such a sap."
That smile.
"I know. You like it."
And to make you smile like this? I'll say it again and again.
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“People often forget the eroticism of connecting through mind & spirit. The way a body tingles when its soul has been stroked by another’s. The comfort when someone not only understands you, but feels you.”
Still thinking about writing a part 3 for Precious. Here’s a part of what I have so far (straight from my drafts). Not sure it will ever see the light of day though …
~~~
“Why didn’t you bring Madi?” Lexa asks, wrapping herself around Clarke and all that Clarke can think is that this is why.
“I’m selfish,” she admits and takes a long breath of the scent of Lexa’s skin. She always smells so good. And she feels so good. “I wanted you all to myself.”
Lexa chuckles, pressing her hips closer to Clarke’s thigh for her to feel the wet heat between her legs.
“Where is she? Your mom?”
“Yeah,” Clarke murmurs, her eyes closed again and she moves her thigh just a little bit to spread the wetness, to feel all of the heat. She can’t make up her mind: stay like this, quiet, still, and the feeling of it. Or move to ignite the sighs again, the moans, the whispers, and the feeling of that.
“That’s okay,” Lexa’s voice is a breeze against her ear. “I like Madi but I’m very okay with being alone with you.”
“We haven’t had much chance to be alone together yet,” Clarke says, having decided that scraping her fingernails across Lexa’s back is a good compromise because it makes Lexa shiver in her arms and her low growl is almost better than a sigh.
“That’s true.”
Lexa kisses her again and opens the kiss for something deeper, a slow, lazy swipe into Clarke’s mouth that makes Clarke want to explode. She runs her hands down Lexa’s back who has shifted slightly, just enough to be on top and now she slides her thigh between Clarke’s legs.
Clarke mumbles against her lips.
“I’m not going to stop kissing you for the next hour.”
Lexa kisses her again, keeping her eyes open to stare down into Clarke’s as she begins to grind her hips a little, more a tease than a purposeful action but still. Clarke’s mind has been hovering somewhere in outer space for a while now, returning to her body for bare moments to make sure she’s still breathing and replying it seems. Basic survival. It surges upwards again when the skin of Lexa’s thigh makes contact with her clit and she closes her eyes, watching the stars behind her eyelids explode like tiny fireworks.
She feels Lexa’s lips on her mouth, drawing her into another deep kiss. They fit so well. Lexa’s lips against hers. Lexa’s body against hers. Lexa’s hand in hers. Like they’re made for each other.
“Two hours,” she mumbles, “I won’t stop for the next two hours. Or three.”
Lexa pulls her with her as she rolls onto her back to get Clarke on top of her, such a swift movement that Clarke hardly realizes what happened until she sees Lexa smile up at her instead of down at her.
“Four,” Clarke states, feeling giggly all of sudden just as much as Lexa seems earnest now. Her gaze is so serious that it makes Clarke wonder what goes on in Lexa’s head in moments like this. Her eyes turn into deep, bottomless pools that Clarke just wants to jump into and get lost in. Lexa takes her breath away, with everything she is. Her looks, her manners, her brains, her whole appearance, her gentleness, her boundless patience with which she always makes sure Clarke is okay with everything they do.
“Can I ask you something?”
Lexa blinks, clearly not expecting them to talk.
“Uh, sure.”
Clarke allows herself to slide down a little so she can snuggle up to Lexa’s side and put her head on her chest. The scent, the feeling of warm skin on her cheek distracts her for a second.
“How can you feel so right?” she whispers, wrapping her arm around Lexa’s body just so she can be even closer. She hears the rumble of Lexa’s low chuckle before the sound leaves her mouth.
“I don’t know. Don’t they say there’s always a catch? Maybe there’s a catch with me too. You just haven’t found it yet.”
It sounds playful and teasing, daring Clarke to join the game.
“Well, tell me what it is. Where’s the catch? Are you, maybe, married?”
It feels as if the room goes cold for a moment, between two of Lexa’s breaths. A sharp intake, a shudder in her chest, a long exhale. Her fingers still and she swallows heavily.
“Divorced.”
Clarke hasn’t dared to move but looks up now.
“Oh. Uh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Lexa gives her a smile but the tone of her voice betrays the lightness of it.
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Every new comment on a fic makes me go back to read parts of it again. Precious was always very special to me even though I could never say why. Some time has passed between writing it and reading it again with new eyes. Mountains have been moved since I finished it, and storms have reshaped almost every part of a landscape I thought I knew well. I know now. It was a prayer. And it was answered.
It’s been five minutes. Five minutes of watching the long hand travel around the clock. Five times. Clarke blinks and pries her eyes away from the wall, to rest them on her folded hands in her lap. Alright.
“You can do this,” she mutters to herself. “Easy.”
She stares at the white marks on the back of her hands for a moment when she unclasps her hands to put them flat on her thighs.
“No biggie. She’ll be back tomorrow. I’m going to…” Clarke falls silent. When did she start talking to herself? Eat. She needs to eat. Food. She’s going to have some food. Lexa made something, she’d told her, specially for her night alone. It looks delicious, whatever it is, and Clarke eats it cold, straight from the container, and dumps it in the sink when she’s done. What now?
She slowly makes her way back into the living room and flops down on the couch. Her eyes wander back to the clock. 17 minutes. Oh god. Something hurts in her chest, something huge and cold and empty and it brings tears to her eyes. What the hell? She reaches for her phone. Just a quick message.
I miss you.
She types, deletes.
Thinking of you.
Delete.
Why aren’t you here with me???
???????
Delete, delete, delete.
She tosses the phone into the corner of the couch, throws herself down in the other and pulls up her legs. 22 minutes.
She lets the tears flow. They’re always together. Have been for weeks. Every night. And it was only last week that Lexa said the words Clarke had longed to hear for…weeks. Months. Forever, it seemed. The relief is still palpable. She sighs, dramatically, into a pillow. She’s being ridiculous and very aware of it but still, she misses Lexa so much that it makes her stomach clench. Which isn’t such a nice feeling since it’s full of food that would have fed four. She sits up a bit too suddenly and burps. Fuck.
Clarke reaches for her cell phone again to open Spotify and her library, scrolling through the playlists. Mellow…sad…slow…classical…she wants none of it. The app suggests something called “Happy Pop” – which isn’t normally her taste, but Clarke selects it anyway and turns it up. The first song almost makes her smile, the second manages it until she stops to listen to the lyrics.
I said, ooh, I'm blinded by the lights
No, I can't sleep until I feel your touch
I said, ooh, I'm drowning in the night
Oh, when I'm like this, you're the one I trust
How on earth is that a happy song? Clarke pulls up the photo album on her phone. There’s a folder titled “Lexa”. Smiling Lexa. Sleepy Lexa. Lexa in the kitchen. Lexa by the river. Lexa and Clarke grinning like idiots. She remembers that one. Taken only a few days ago on the very couch she’s sitting on. After their innocent cuddling had turned into something a little more daring. Lips kiss-swollen, eyes deep and gleaming, both ruffled and happy. So happy. So very…exactly like she isn’t feeling right now. Clarke wipes at her face angrily, catching a tear that rolled out of her eye. Lexa wore the same top when she left earlier.
42.
Alright. She’s got this.
Five minutes later, Clarke is in the bathroom. Music is blaring from all available speakers and boy, let the neighbors come if they dare. Lexa loves that she has a bathtub and because Lexa loves it, Clarke got her some nice fragrant bubble baths. Because Lexa loves bubbles too. Clarke loves Lexa and she can’t stop touching her. She has the softest skin and she smells so good. This bathtub and the bottles arranged around it are part of the reason why.
The water is too hot when she gets it, almost scalding her skin, but it takes away the emptiness she feels. God, you’re pathetic, she thinks, leaning back into the bubbly foam. There’s too much of it and it makes Clarke feel like a kid, but that fits. She’s acting like a sulking child after all. Inhaling deeply, Clarke reaches for a skin oil that sits on the window sill. Apply on dry skin and rub in gently, it says. She pours some into her palm and rubs it on her wet arm. Indian rose and sweet almond and suddenly, Lexa is right there with her.
Minute 31 into the next hour finds Clarke in the bedroom, wrapped in the largest towel she could find, carrying a box of chocolates in one hand and dragging the large pillows from the bed with the other. She takes them into the living room, alight with candles by now. Another trip to the bedroom and she’s dressed in her oldest, most comfortable pair of sweat pants and an oversized sweater. Back in the living room, she drags the seat cushions from the couch, arranges them like a little island in the middle of the room, throws more pillows on. Finally, after a little consideration and a last trip to the bedroom, she adds the duvet.
How dare she? How dare she leave her alone? Clarke huffs as she climbs into her pillow fort of sorts. She’s still being pathetic and she’s being childish and she’s being all the things she thought she would never be because she’s a fucking adult. But she hasn’t been this in love in a while. They’ve allowed the feeling to consume them, she knows that. Spending all this time together as if there is nothing else. There isn’t, not for Clarke. Not right now. She wants Lexa. She wants her here, now, with her.
Her stomach clenches again, hints of heartburn churning behind her breastbone. Chocolate is really not the best idea, but she shoves two pieces in her mouth anyway and chews.
If she’s going to drown in her sorrow, she might as well do it properly. Clarke laughs bitterly, rightly so, at herself. It’s good that Lexa can’t see her now. That she won’t be back tonight. They talked about this and Clarke told Lexa it would be no problem at all. She was certain, too, that it wouldn’t be. That was before her inner baby took over though and it’s still wailing at the top of its lungs.
Clarke rubs her forehead, then pulls the duvet over her head and the box of chocolates inside. Full throttle misery, here she comes. In the darkness, half suffocating but refusing to let in some air, Clarke closes her eyes. And chews. And thinks of Lexa.
“Babe? Are you in there?”
Clarke groans.
“Clarke?”
“Lexa?” The sound echoes inside her little cave and Clarke throws the duvet off. “Lexa?”
“Babe? What the hell?”
“Lexa! What the fuck? You said you weren’t coming back.”
She’s beautiful, as always. Biting her lip, desperately trying to stifle a grin, and it brings tears to Clarke’s eyes again.
“You were not supposed to see me like this.”
“What have you done?” Lexa drops to her knees next to Clarke, pulling more of the duvet away. “Baby.” She chuckles softly. “You smell like a perfume store.”
“Yeah, uh..”
“You have something...,” Lexa reaches for her face, wipes her thumb along Clarke’s lips and puts it in her mouth, sucking slowly. “Chocolate.”
“Yeah, I had…some.”
“The whole box?” Lexa stares at the empty box next to Clarke.
“Maybe.”
“Clarke.”
“I missed you.”
“I missed you too. That’s why I came back here instead of going to my place. I missed you too, you little idiot. Move over.”
She kisses Clarke softly, making a show of slowly licking more chocolate stains from her lips, then turns over the pillow Clarke used to clean her fingers and pulls her into her arms.
“I’m my own person, you know,” Lexa says softly.
“I know. I am too.”
“Oh, you are,” Lexa confirms, chuckling gently. “You really are. Some kind of person.”
It makes Clarke laugh, for the first time in – she glances at the clock – roughly 4 hours.
“You were not supposed to see me like this,” she admits once more. “I wanted to be all adult for you and I would have made it by tomorrow.”
“You are exactly what I want,” Lexa whispers, pulling the duvet up over both their heads, kissing the last of the emptiness away. “Let’s go to sleep.”
