~Fckn it All Up~

Im sorry i coukdnt make ut

I'm giving in Maybe today

I'm really fucking up again

I can't do this. I can't afford to leave right now-- no matter how many times my brain plays out scarily real scenarios of me leaving. I can't sleep or fucking breathe because my brain is on a loop of attempted self-destruction. Why the fuck am I fighting myself?! There are so many bigger things to expend energy to. I can't walk away from my mother right before she hits another wave of hostpitalizations and shitty tests. I was there for 2 years of treatment when we thought she had breast cancer, and that was almost less intense than whats going on now. I cant imagine her doing this alone without me. She won't care enough to fight without me there. She's said she won't make it if I die, as if her telling me she'll kill herself after is a good thing to say in response. I sat across from u and cried. I'm struggling to stay on track after almost 2 years of convincing family my college mental health days were long over (and almost "unrelateable now") I told her I was okay and didnt need anything, I just thought she deserved the truth about where im at- especially after all the shit we've overcome the last 8 years. I can't let myself forget the dozens of times my mom had to actively keep me alive. I'm thankful for a such supportive ma, but how do I explain how mad I am at my family (and her) for forcing me to stay. The day you screamed at me for "being selfish" after cutting almost 6 years ago still stays with me and makes me question if I will illicit any reaction other than anger if my mental heath wins this fight. Mom's reply tho?-- "Do you have a note? A plan? Tell me how youre going to do it... no, seriously, like what's your plan? I can't have another suicide note in my wallet." K Yeah Let me sit her and play it out for you. That'll be helpful So thrilled u still have that. I have no clue which one it is or how she got it.

Honestly, I really think my insomnia and a 4 nights of sleep per week is what's causing such mental health setbacks for me. I've been up all night and did more rapid cycling bipolar II research. Pretty much bipolar sucks and my chance of committing suicide is almost 65% for people with my type of BP and similar co-occuring mental health issues. The random and rapid mood swings along side my high anxiety and eating issues right now is so much fun. Not to mention my extreme need to abuse substances right now. I'm so tired. So fucking tired