we're safe. i'm here.

i know I hurt some people when I left. rather abruptly at that. and I'm sorry. i wasn't in a good place, hell, i'm still not. i've tried everything and i just feel empty and well. just terrible. it's no excuse but it's the truth. I just figured putting this out publically would be easier than copying and pasting. it's obvious to say this hiatus of mine is still going. i still have disc//ord but I have days where I don't answer and I just stare off into space. ann's had to get me to eat because i go days without. sleep is hard, and my job is also suffering. i'm trying to get better. i'm not dead, but i do understand if anyone gets tired of waiting for me/i hurt them too much. i miss you guys.

Simon did the only thing he knew he could do. He held her. Wrapped his arms around her like that could keep her from harm, like that would be the only thing that made her feel safe and sound---- He closed his eyes, almost tearing up himself at this. How did this happen? She had an attitude, yes, but she always did. And normally, Jayne was cool headed. Or at least he had gotten that way as he got older.  He almost never openly fought with her. That was Simon’s job. He was always the bad guy so to be the one picking up the pieces right now? It was strange. “He doesn’t hate you, 千金.” A hand came up to stroke her hair and pull her closer as if he could hug all her sadness away. Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know how to take care of a teenager, hell, River had been sent off to boarding school when she was fourteen! He didn’t know what to expect. “He knows you didn’t mean it, Max. He knows and he still loves you. I know he does.” Simon gave a small awkward chuckle. “Do you know how many times I’ve said things to him that I regret? And he still loves me. It’s out of anger, it doesn’t mean that’s how you feel okay?” Of course, Simon knew what she said had a bigger impact on Jayne then any of their fights. She hit him deep with a cut.  Jayne couldn’t have children. And Simon wished that he could change that. God, everyday he wished he could take that thought away from him.  Turning back to his daughter, he squeezed her tight once more. “Hey, shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not bad, it’s okay. We’re not sending you away, your father still loves you and I love you, Max. Okay?” It’s always so soft when he speaks. He’s not sure if she’s listening but the rumble of his voice should help. It’s even and calm. It will help. . . right?

Simon Tam could only look at the man. He knew by the uniform that he was Starfleet and his stomach dropped. He swallowed and took a deep breath. “--- You. . . you don’t know who I am do you?” Than it was true. The war really did happen, that must have been why he could slip past so easily. Being a fugitive was---- new. And lonely.  “---- I am aware of that. . . uh, sir. However, I. . . I am afraid that I am here attempting to find my sister.” Where even were they? He didn’t remember. All he knew was that River was out there. That someone was hurting her and here he was having a nice chat with the very army he had been running from. That’s what happens when you try to look at top secret information. But it did help. She was last seen here. Wherever here was. “--- It was. . . nice meeting you, I should. . . I should go.” Don’t notice who I am. Don’t realize that I’m wanted. Don’t take this away from me, I’m so close. 

Simon noticed the flinch, letting his hands stay still for a moment before going back to the work, eyes never leaving the wound expect to flicker back at the Captain before shaking his head and returning his gaze. “Everyone has to be ready when pesky thieves break in. . . through the roof.” Okay so that was Jayne’s fault, but still.  Simon was kind of upset that he had to stay on the ship but given that it was a Core planet, they couldn’t tempt fate. Though. . . “So besides that, what did you think of Orisis?” What did you think of my childhood home?

“Ahh---” He almost swallowed. Of course it was woman. A very nice--- pretty woman. Simon cursed himself internally as he tried to figure out how to make his mouth work. To make words come out. He was so bad in social interactions---- But medicine? That he could do. “Pleasant to meet you.” Finally, it came out. Thank God. “Simon Tam.” He blinked for a moment before he finally managed to fully understand the question. He wasn’t sure to people. . . talking to him. Unless it was job related. “I was just checking on some patients--- ahh. I’m a transferr from Hopkins I mean.” There’s a slightly blush to his face. He’s not used to this. Once everyone found out how old he was, they usually treated him like a kid or didn’t talk to him at all. He was rambling in his own head. “I’m. . . sorry I guess I have. . . first day nerves. I barely know my way around the hospital but I’m a quick learner, I assure you!” . . . She’s not doubting your ability. Great. Now you sound like an intern. Idiot.