EMOTIONAL MESS

...which I unfortunately had to decline due to countless reasons. The main reason being my hesitation about moving to Manila. But also my mother's implied insistence I can't survive in Manila. With the underlying reason being my sight disability. Which is also valid and also my main concern. But I still feel sad about my circumstances. I feel caged. With clipped wings.

If my eyes were healthy, would she have been supportive about it? I know I would've done it in a heartbeat if it weren't for these goddamned eyes. I wish I could've experienced normal life achievements. Like ticking boxes off the cliché checklist.

She's always been so overprotective of me. And I let her because it was comfortable. It was safe. But it also stunted my growth. I still feel like a child with no say in my decisions. Like I'm just a passenger in my own life and my mother on the driver seat.

All of these rejections have taken a toll on me. I feel exhausted. I feel like I'm not enough. 4 years of working and almost none of it leveragable. My non-achiever student ass has finally come back to bite me. I'm sorry I'm not a yapper. I'm sorry I can't process my thoughts fast enough into comprehensible, intelligible words. It's not my fault my employer stunted my growth, boxed me into a role, and never assigned me other responsibilities.

I'm currently in the middle of preparing for multiple job interviews. I feel anxious about whether I will be able to pass or not. And if I pass and eventually get a job offer, how would my life change? I would be uprooting myself from a comfortable risk-free place into a world of unknowns, worries, and anxieties. A new place, a new neighborhood, new faces, new relationships, new routines, new responsibilities, and new challenges await. Would I be able to survive moving to the heart of Manila?

Can my eyes keep up with it? Can it still hang on? I currently have no medication or cure for it, so I'm literally letting it deteriorate. And I'm not helping by habitually sleeping at 1am. I don't know why I can't help but revenge bedtime procrastinate.

I tried easing my worries by watching a tarot card reading on YouTube. It felt like it validated what I'm going through. But it's all very vague and general.

I just want to experience life! I want my brainrot era to end. I've had enough of being a martyr for injustice. They made a fool out of me - a pushover. They took me for granted, I'm not gonna keep crawling back every time they mistreat me. I'm done. I'm tired. I don't care anymore. They can go compete for that measly salary by themselves. I don't want to be part of their politics anymore.

Listening to my daily affirmations playlist is one of the only things keeping me going these days.

It's the last day of March, 2024 and I felt like reflecting on my 27th year alive.

I started it off with some bad luck in 2023 by getting my brand new 1 month old S23 phone stolen at the Blackpink concert at Philippine Arena. I was traumatized, grieving, and frustrated. I still had to pay for it for the next 11 months at 4,250/mo. And my dumb impulsive response / solution was to find myself a sugar daddy, thinking they could get me a new phone like- jskdfjwakehf. I never got one, but I did sign up on some apps HAHAHA

My next solution months later was to start a t-shirt printing dropshipping business. I still have it shelved until now. But this was the first sign I felt off about my office "friends" after I asked J to help me with it.

Anyways, I ended up not having any other sources of income other than my salary. But it still got me to go overseas TWICE 6 months apart. The downside is I didn't have any savings for the whole year. Only sinking funds and vibes. My daily dose of copium is telling myself that money comes back but the memories will be forever. Cause, I still can't believe I went to Japan and Singapore. <3

Regarding my friendships, cz and I got closer than ever because of the TSwift Eras Tour planning. We chat and send each other memes everyday. kl and I aren't as frequently chatting anymore cause she got a bf now, but we're still cool and supportive of each other. My blinks are still amicable. i love experiencing girlhood with them. <3<3<3

As for my office friends, I guess it never felt the same after I got back from the blackpink concert. And our office seats had new arrangements and older people were brought up as replacements.

Puttin' someone first only works when you're in their top five. (...)

Familiarity breeds contempt.

- Bejeweled, Taylor Swift

Anyways, I've been kicked out from their top five. It was only exclusive for people who could fit inside a 5-seater car. ksanfvakdjfbak

I ended my 27th year with a full circle moment by getting my brand new Buds2 lost in the van omw home. Taylor Swift and the holy week squeezed my wallet dry with almost nothing left on my ATM. And I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday in the office because I couldn't afford to. But they deserve it cause they didn't even greet me on my birthday, and the last resort pity cake was worse cause they barely gave any effort. It was laughable. And some of the top 5 girlies didn't even greet me in the end.

i'm okay. I'm gwenchana. I'm gonna be fine. I'm doing good. I'm on some new shit. I still have good friends. I will try and push through with my new attempt at getting a second source of income this year so I won't wallow in self pity comparing my income with my older siblings. I will be successful!!!

Anghirap palang makihalubilo sa hindi mo ka level.jpeg