Selfcare Dad

and organize your life. I just bought a new calendar because my old one was full. Its days were numbered.

My kid made a sourdough bread starter which they named “Gerard Way.” I said that would be a better name for a cheese byproduct.

Be open about your feelings! I opened my fridge and my vegetables were crying. I guess I just have some emotional cabbage.

There's this Australian dessert baking contest show called Zumbo's Just Desserts. I was watching this episode where a contestant made a lemon meringue pie. The audience clapped, which confused me, because I always thought that Australians boo meringues?

I bought a watch that said you could swim while wearing it. I learned the hard way that this is only if you can already swim without it.

OK, maybe you misspelled "Armageddon." It's not the end of the world.

And try to avoid getting the pages mixed up. Puns make me numb. But math puns make me number.

Where did the mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy

Don't feel the need to be anyone else. I'm dad, but I guess that's apparent.

I washed my neighbor’s car with my daughter. She asked me to please use a sponge instead.

But no matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

The sun doesn’t need to learn anything; it already has a million degrees.

I need to get away from the TVs left on in every business these days. They were blasting Wheel of Fortune in my doctor's office, and I think it gave me ear-itable vowel syndrome.

You don't need a reservation, and anyway, they're fully booked.

Go easy; no need to get bent out of shape over it.