Colors & Days on Planet Earth

The person you can see in all the photos, xp , is Obayed Haq. He is a writer. An amazing writer, literally. However, he has only 5 books published by now. (He probably wrote something in the book বিসর্গ : গল্প সংকলন ৩ as well..)

He’s a perfectionist. Umm.. current status: He’s more busy with his deceased sister’s kids than writing.

she talked about aftabnagar. their house there.. she told her family, she wouldn’t come back to dhaka if they move there. & that dhaka imperial college & east west university made that place nasty.. i don’t know why that matters to her, but that place is beautiful. & right now, i think she has some issue with imperial, cause she was supposed to study there but she didn’t. don’t know..

you know orph, her fam called on my phone to get to her.. i wonder why. she said it’s probably her brother, who noticed, she texts with me.

what other things. i respect her a lot, i don’t wanna talk about my wild feelings for her. i already wrote too much. orph, its not like i don’t wanna tell you.

just that, certain things better remain untold. you try to read my mind if you’re curious. :p

i think she had a different spectacles on ,, that i didn’t see last time.

she’s 53 kg now. 5 ft 6 inches. haha. i don’t know what i don’t like her.

i just know i don’t like thinking of her all the time. it makes me tired & forget all the other things. & it makes me cry. makes me sad. wanting someone so bad hurts so bad.

did you know orph, i always thought, if i ever fall on love, he’ll love me back for sure. i’m not a stupid child, but i still thought that.. cause maybe imagining me in love was something almost miraculous, that i thought if that miracle happens, it sure will happen with the right person.

& then it turned out to be a ‘she’, who can’t like or love anyone. & even if she could, it wouldn’t be me for sure.

& above all that, orph, i’m not the right person for her. i’m the easily bored one who dreams to travel around the world. & we don’t have enough in common. & i’m not enough interesting. & i can’t stand dominance. & i don’t know how to maintain a relationship. & i sure will disappoint her.

even if she ever liked me, it wouldn’t last long.. she’d get hurt too. & i’ll die if i lose her after having her.

& at the same time, i feel like, please let me have her.. even if it’s for a day, or a week.

let her look at me with the eyes of love. let her hold me with love. with love. be that only once. & then i can let her go. wherever she wanna go.

i’m all messed up, i don’t even know what i want anymore.

everyday i’m trying to figure out a way of survival. i wish i could die.. would she be hurt if i die. i don’t wanna hurt her. i want her to be the happiest.

four. my p’shone.

orph. i need to cut it short, as time is running out.

the things that i really wanna write to you are the things that matters more to me. like the things she said.

like, ok, wait. we met other teachers. we took pictures. & ma’m left. & we walked together. a lot. i missed this so much.

now, those little things, why they matter to me don’t know. we went to taltola to have fuchka & we sat beside. & first ommi said she & four would share a plate. me & didi another. & four changed that match & said she & i would share a plate.. (even though we both were bad at eating that thing & probably couldn’t have finished it on our own. why though?.... i wanna think she wanted to share food with me. share. with me. ---) anyway, i actually don’t like having large fuchka & also, i didn’t feel well eating. so i ended up having a drink.

dear god. i have no idea, what i’m writing here & why? what’s the purpose of all this? do i want her to read all these one day? or do i wanna look back & see these days? don’t know. don’t know nothing.

what matters to me, do u know? everything. everything about her. she, grabbing the bottle of 7 up from my hand. drinking. giving it back to me. & everything. she smiles a lot now. that’s so beautiful. don’t know though, if any pain is hiding behind that beauty,,

she was taking selfies with ommi & didi. then she grabbed my hand & pulled me closer to them & took another. that’s in the picture. her hand, wrapping my wrist. not all of it. but you could figure.

& when she’d been talking to ommi, walking behind me & didi,, i was hearing. & i wanted them to come in front of us & i wanted to follow her from behind. cause i wanted to see her. cause this is how we used to walk. in our college days. them, talking, me, following them. most times. & i love seeing her taking each step. i love the way she walks. i love the way she walks.

her slender waistline that her dress couldn’t hide in.

she’s a bit tanned. probably cause she goes out a lot more now. she took selfie. she’s changed. only still as beautiful as she was. or maybe even more.

when we’re walking home together.. she bought another bottle of 7 up & she said probably she’ll die from drinking 7 up. cause she can’t eat anything, she keeps drinking that thing. you know, once she says she eats a lot. & then she says she can’t eat. i feel so sad when she does that. i know she doesn’t eat, she can’t eat anymore. then why would she hide the truth & tell me the opposite? does she think i’ll make fun of her if she tells me the truth? or think she’s weak? i know she’s so strong. so strong.

i never wrote things like these before, did i? i never want anybody else to see this but her.

i wanted her to pay some more attention to me, but did she? i don’t know. but when our principal was talking about urdu, she looked at me. she looked at me many times & i didn’t look back. silly me. i should’ve looked back. how long has it been since i looked her in the eye last time? silly so silly me. if its at her home, like she told me to there in next holidays, i can’t stare at her. that won’t be nice. but there. when everyone was there.. i could’ve looked at her while she was looking at me.

she.

i gave her 3 badges. the one’s i told you about. except that, i gave the “life is better with friends” to didi & i offered her the beatles with the other three & first she took that but later picked doctor who better. maybe she thought i bought that doctor thing onek shokh kore. so she couldn’t refuse that one.

& luckily i had a pirates of the caribbean badge with me, so i gave that to ommi, as i knew she liked that movie. i was thinking what she could’ve thought about me giving four, 3 & her, 1. but she already knows i like four better. i still want her not to mind or get hurt.

u know, she later texted she saw the L & Light Yagami badge on my sister’s backpack that i took with me.

& she said, 2/3 years back, i had প্রাঞ্জলতা in my face. i no longer have প্রাণ in the way i look. i don’t know if that makes her like me less. don’t know anything. but she really doesn’t know how i’m dying everyday. does she?

i don’t know why she’s nicer to me these days. why she’s talking to me more. is she feeling sympathy for me? have i turned into a sympathy seeker? or is it just cause she doesn’t have wifi at her home in dhaka? or she’s keeping her fb deactivated. so she needs me to talk with her. i just don’t wanna overdo it. i just don’t wanna get crazy like i did before.

right now, its 4:24. & i’m hungry.

other things. her laughter, that she couldn’t control. SHE COULDN’T CONTROL HER LAUGHTER, can you believe that? when we were at a book shop & she was moving her books from her bag to ommi’s. & after a moment, it occurred to her that people might think she was shoplifting, so she hurriedly left that place & started laughing there, in front of a gate. that priceless laughter, i couldn’t believe what i saw. though i didn’t dare to stare. but took snaps of her face. her squeezed eyes, eyebrows. her slightly open mouth, that she fought to close..

she had tea at a stall before, with ommi. i wonder if it’s before or after i had tea with her. she told me though, back then, that she never had tea in a tea stall.. so maybe after. & she showed that stall. did she do that for me to see it. or just cause she could remember that place.. i don’t know. maybe both. or maybe i’m only being too hopeful..

when we were walking, she & only, & we’re near to where our paths divide, she asked me which way i’d go. & that, it was my choice, i could pick either. i looked away, didn’t know what to say to that. but then i simply walked with her to her way.

& then, she said, looking around,, everything is same. except two people.

omg, i almost forgot about the ring. the ring. i once asked her to buy me a ring & the excuse was that i lost all my rings, which i did really,, & she bought one for me from lalon mela. she remembered! & she gave it to me. i’m wearing it on my ring finger.. not feeling anything though. about it. i don’t know what to feel.

& she wanted to bring the phone’s back cover that she bought but forgot. & you know, she texted me that she thought i’d see her phone. o’r at least her wallpaper. & everytime she took out her phone,, she did something & i felt like she didn’t want me to take that from her.. & thought now she has more that doesn’t want me to see. so i didn’t think of taking it from her.

i wanted to talk to her even more. a lot. lot. you know i was watching videos the night earlier, to see how to talk, chat, & make it interesting & not run out of topics & how to make someone open up.. etc. now that i’m writing this, it’s making me embarrassed. but i really can’t talk. & i wanted to hear from her all about her life there.

& she saw her phone & missed calls from home, so she was in a hurry. & didn’t want her to get into any trouble for me. so i said, i’ll go. you take a rikshaw and go home. & she was like, you going? ok. like that.. & turned arround & as i started walking, my heart was breaking & i thought how could i do that. i’m not gonna see her in months,, if it ends here, it ends for how long who knows? nothing’s gonna happen. so let me stay with her a little longer. & i turned back after walking a few steps & saw her looking at me. & i ran to her back. & gave her a feather & a sticker of aladdin & the genie. haha. i ran. how silly of me. what’s hurry?

i wanted to keep walking & not go back home. i always feel like that when i have to leave her, don’t know why.

she told me to go at her place when next time she comes. but i wanna walk with her. like i was that day. i wanna see her from behind.. and wanna see her walk beside me. i hit her back with my head, i don’t know if she noticed that. but that kinda made me afraid of what i’ll do next. so i hurriedly said goodbye. how i wanted to touch her everytime she got closed to me.

she’s a different person at home & outside. she’s nice at home but not.. i don’t know, she doesn’t open up enough there. & i feel so nervous with her when at her home. and her family there.

i’m so tired.

i think of her all day. this needs to end. really. i just wish it ends in a nicer way.

i’m not as good as i think i am. when i can have her close, & i want her closer, then more.... & when i can’t have her with me.. can’t see her. can’t talk to her,, i feel like, whatever. let me just see her. once.

now i feel like, just let her be a friend to me. a good friend. let me have some time with her, that will be enough. she’s so nice,, seeing her once in a while will be enough. & i know later i’ll think,, i can’t stand this friendship. i want her other way. i want her. like i love her. i want her more than this. i want my heart beating so fast, i want her to hold me. tight.

umm.. yeah. what happens to me is that, when i start writing, i can actually write a lot. but the thing is, i don’t have that starting energy. :-D

a lot happened, u know. as we met.. let me write about this day like, umm, a story.

i was awake all night long, & FOUR deactivated her fb (she’s been doing that for a while.. deactivating her fb for hours or days & then coming back..) & i thought maybe she won’t come,, that’s why she did that. like, you know, if we ask: hey where are you,  or later: why didn’t you show up?.. i also texted her asking whether we’re really meeting in the morning & she didn’t reply right away. umm.. the overthinking me, huh, thought she’s not coming. probably she arranged this so that we 3 would meet & talk & she won’t be there.

anyway,, after a while, i couldn’t sleep, kept thinking about loads of stuff, like, why fueling this thing by meeting, talking & then, she disappearing, leaving me in nowhere... i was thinking let’s bunk this. what could’ve happened really? they’d enjoy together & all. & probably get a little mad at me. but i could say i fell asleep or sick or something. & you probably know, i don’t want my hopes get high.. hope of having her. so i really shouldn’t get close to her. and loads of stuff really,, had been going through my mind.

then, she texted in the morning & i was melted immediately. yeah. i was probably still thinking of skipping it. & i was tired & sleepy as well. but you know, i WAS melted, that’s what happened. xp like everytime i think i won’t talk too much to her, or stop talking about my feelings / emotions, or stop saying her things that i shouldn’t. and then. one. text. of. her. is what it takes for me to start this all over again. i start feeling everything’s gonna be fine from now on, maybe, maybe something will happen.. or what i don’t know.. & her texts make me happy beyond limit, that i forget whatever i planned on.. like, i should be more careful, shouldn’t let my emotions be handled by her, etc.

 now, i got up & prepared. didn’t wear a hijab. ( the day before, she asked me whether i wear hijab @varsity. & another day, did i tell you earlier, she asked me not to tell her i did something for her or changed something for her.. you know she once told me seeing me without hijab annoys her. so i wanted to wear hijab whenever i met her. but as she asked, i didn’t change for her. haha, also, i personally don’t wanna change for anyone against my will. so..) in the mean time, she fell asleep. :-*  & later, she called me & said she’ll be late. & if i’m ready, i should go as didi was waiting. @ our college. so i left.

didi, after a long time, i saw her. she was wearing a red brown dress with hijab. & she looked nice. we walked & talked for some time. & then Four came. with her mom, by a car. (of her dad’s office, i guess.). her mom stared at me, she probably was surprised to see me without hijab & found it difficult to recognize me.

she was wearing a purple, violet, white floral printed dress. she looked just the same as she was before. with her glasses. tall & shaped. she brought many books for ommi. in a red shopping sack.

we entered our college campus. & walked. got out & walked & talked. one of the first things i remember her saying, apart from, let’s go inside first.. or gotta call ma’m now,, was that didi looked really nice in her cloths. & didi joked whether she wanna take it off of her & she said, yeah give me. haha.

& we talked about ommi. & her marriage topic. ;-o

& she said she was amazed, she still remembered the way that she could direct the driver to come there. :-D & she was like, i don’t remember any of this. was this place really like this? these shops & all?

o, by the way, didi & four, both were amazed to see the high building in our campus, like, we have a building this high? gotta get in.

later, ommi came. in a whitish dress, she looked pretty, like always. but i think she looks so grown up. we met with ma’m, what name should i give her?,, 16? she says she’s always 16. haha. she looked shorter than before. she taught us bangla.. we had ice-cream together.. & she asked about our studies & other stuff. she likes four a lot. but as she’s maturer, she knows how to hide that. & she said she forgot four’s gift. what gift, don’t know though..

if i can hear voice still.. listen to you songs, even though you aren’t here.. there must be a way you can see this as well.

i love you. i know i’m late & you’re already gone. but where to? i will follow your traces one day! & end up there with you. ;-)

i’ve fallen in love with Loki. i always loved Tom Hiddleston. but didn’t know why. (you know a reasons, cause he’s friends with Benedict Cumberbatch! haha but i can’t say that to people, can i?)

anyways, now i’ve found a legit reason.

Alonso Villalpando

Charlie Plummer

i’m making loads and loads of GIFs, haha, like, of anything and everything. it’s like my current hobby (?).. i’m not sure though, what the word ‘hobby’ really means.

i’m supposed to write about whatever that comes in my mind, right? so... i’ve found CNCO, thanks to FOUR, i love their songs. though i gotta admit, the girls in there music videos kind of irritates me. but they are amazing. especially, Joel Pimentel & Erick Brian Colon’s eyes! & Zabdiel de Jesus, the name! okay. i do think Christopher Vélez’s fashion is mainstream. but he’s cute, really cute. like, can you believe he’s the oldest one in CNCO?? & Richard Camacho’s voice is probably my fave after Joel’s.

& i totally love their cover songs (especially Volverte a Ver, No Entiendo, Devuélveme Mi Corazón, Primera Cita, Tu Luz,,.. Cometa is ok. i don’t like Más Allá yet. don’t know what will happen later:-D . just so you know, Más Allá = Masha’a Allah, in Arabic which means "as God willing". it expresses appreciation, or thankfulness for an event or person that was just mentioned. and our country & neighbor countries: India/Pakistan, & also Arabic countries have many love songs by that name, or uses that word in the songs. & it seems cheesy to me. i’m kinda tired of this, i guess..)

top 9. (cause they got really few songs. haha)

Reggaetón Lento (Bailemos) Mamita Mi Medicina Fiesta en Mi Casa  Bonita Quisiera (first fave) Tan Fácil Para Enamorarte Cien

& BTS (don’t know if i like their songs yet, but the members, i like them. Yoongi is my current fave. & you know, RM’s got the same birthday as FOUR!)

you’ll be surprised, i’ve actually liked watching & listening to Taeyeon, a female, i repeat, female korean singer! her voice & music videos (most of them) are nice.

& CNBLUE! yes, i first saw Lee Jong-hyun in That Man Oh Soo & am trying to love him a lot cause i couldn’t love Kim Jong-hyun when he was alive. i didn’t even know him before his death,, even though SHINee was the first korean band i enjoyed listening to, back in 2013...

i’ll end with my 2 latest ‘crushes’, haha, Charlie Plummer. i first saw him in All The Money in the World, (not to mention, it’s a great movie.) & i just can’t believe, he is so o o o beautiful.!.!.!. watched King Jack after that. he was way younger there. almost like, i couldn’t have recognized him if i didn’t know already..

Dear Orpheus!

this is another year & already 3 months have passed.. and i didn’t talk to you here. but probably that’s okay with you, cause who would know & understand me better?

now, you probably know, (or do you?), that i’m learning #Japanese at the IML. it’s like a dream come true, cause i looooove this language so much! & i’ve got exam coming up. so i’ll be really busy next few days.

you should know, i told FOUR. my biggest secret. and earlier, she acted like she didn’t hear anything. now, recently she asked me not to tell her such things anymore. so. that actually means, i can’t talk about these things to her. kinda like oliver says to elio: It means we can’t talk about those kinds of things. Okay? We just can’t.

except, it is probably worse. it’s not ‘we’, it’s ‘you’ (me).

okay, now let’s talk about Call Me By Your Name! yes, i got to talk about this, cause it’s like finding ‘the wood’ in a stormy sea. one of the best movies i’ve ever watched, & i do mind that this movie didn’t get an oscar for the best picture. cause, you know, i wouldn’t mind Timothee Chalamet not getting the best actor, cause he has a whole life ahead to get that. but this movie? it’s not happening again.. it needed it. a lot could be better if more people watched it. (be that for oscar’s sake.)

anyway, so call me by your name is also the first audiobook that i finished listening to. & i loved it. also, one of the best books ever. but really, i don’t know which is better. the movie or the book? ;-D

i can’t tell i’m totally on the side of making a sequel. (most times i don’t like the sequels..) but this time is different, cause Luca Guadagnino says many scenes from the director’s cut of this one will be kept in the sequel.. which i dearly wanna watch.

nothing really really bad happened so far this year. starting was amazing because of that CMBYN movie. and other things.

anyway, tomorrow, i’m gonna meet FOUR, after 7 months! i don’t know how it would be like.. Ommi and Didi will be there as well. we’ll meet at our college... lots of memories there.

i wanna give her a perfume of ‘arabian jasmine’ (বেলি ফুল),, i love the smell of it, so much. but would she really wear it?.... and 3 badges. i’ve got one is of The Joker, that says “Why so serious?”. i really love that. & another says, life is better with friends. & the 3rd one says: Trust me, i’m a doctor. haha. there’s another one of Christiano Ronaldo. but not sure which 3 i should pick from these. maybe i’ll end up giving four! ;-D

you know, we both forgot the candy name that we both loved and then, today i googled pran candy products, cause that’s the most known candy & sweets producing company in our country. so, when i was going through their page, i saw “soft chewing candy” & that reminded me of the name. স ফ্ টি জ ! i don’t remember the english spelling, so wrote that in bangla. that candy is a combination of mango and orange flavor! and it’s nowhere on the internet, don’t know why.

Got two natures dwelling (& dueling) inside me for all time. Its not like one is “good” & the other is “bad”. Just that they are completely opposite. Not that they are enemies of each other. They’re rather indulged in a fight of fair manner. As so, none of them can kill the other. They don’t even want to. All they’re trying is to understand each other. Either not knowing that, most probably, their fate’s bound to fail them. Or they KNOW & they chose to keep trying to prove their fate wrong at the end.

Yoo Shi-jin is bae! x0x

i was reading this article here http://thespiritscience.net/2015/05/17/10-mind-blowing-theories-that-will-change-your-perception-of-the-world-2/

& i’m thinking of thinking about the presentism some time later. . ha ha.

aaand, this one i do believe in. 

that’s probably her first post on facebook.. though she posted it on a group’s wall. i wanna keep her little things sometimes.

got a question to ask you, orph. am i talking too much only about her lately? well, you’ve no idea how tiringly i keep thinking of her all day long. ain’t it difficult to talk about something else than what your thoughts are about?

i’ve wasted a load&load of time on facebook in last few days only to dig out what posts she’s hitting like on. & when she’s being online, what pages she liked & all.. & it shouldn’t go on in this way, you know? my mom would scold me for spending too much time on the computer. & like, i could watch a few movies or read some books if my mind would stop playing with me like that. why am i so addicted to everything about FOUR?!

now, we’re not friends on facebook anymore. (somehow she got me unlisted from her friendlist, by mistake? & i didn’t accept her request when she sent it again. & told her i’d keep visiting facebook a 10 times now&then, if i keep her in my friendlist, so may be later. now, she canceled the request, who knows may be she’s mad at me.) anyway, i hope this will help with keeping me away from facebook. & i hope she understands.