i will always have to memory of finding her in the living room, blood everywhere, her not responding, panicking and screaming for my dad.

i really hope shes out there watching over me. she was my best friend, the strongest woman i‘ve ever known.

no matter what i went through she was by my side and never left me.

this has to be a bad joke or something like hasn‘t life fucked me over enough? do i really have to lose my mum at 25? inherit a house and stay there with my dad who isn‘t the youngest either?

i remember when i was little, around 7-10 years old, my parents couldn‘t leave the house without me panicking because i thought they would die. my parents calmed me down the best they could and that they would never leave me. how can she die just 16 years after that?

wtf do i even do? all i do right now is driving around aimlessly and trying to care for my dad. i can‘t go in stores, people overwhelm me and everyone treats me like i‘m weird.

when she died, a part of me died with her. i‘m trying to stay positive, i‘m normally really optimistic but it‘s becoming harder and harder.

i know i‘m not alone but my dad, my boyfriend and my friends just aren‘t her. not the person i saw everyday, who i went shopping with, who smoked with me on the porch, who was there to cheer whenever i accomplished something or who was there to console me whenever my thoughts consumed me.

my mum has lung cancer, i‘ve stayed home from work for about three weeks now because i‘m the only one who can care for her but at the same time we just have to wait for treatment like we waited for the results like we waited for the biopsy just wait and wait

after the biopsy her health deteriorated so much that i cant sleep at night because im so scared she can‘t breathe anymore. i get about 4 hours of sleep, i can‘t eat, i have to deal with doctors and my grandma and mum‘s best friend and my fuckass brother who just doesn‘t do anything because he‘s mad i told him he‘s an idiot for never calling her.

it‘s so much and i cant deal with it anymore everything feels overwhelming, i cant feel any joy or just a simple distraction. my dad isn‘t able to do anything meaning i have to do the household and cook and go to the doctors and research and it just needs a little little bit more for me to break

i wish i could fast forward to her first oncologist appointment so that i know she‘s being treated but this requires another week of waiting and hoping and not sleeping

like all the shit that has happened to me in the last years wasn‘t enough, no, my dearest person has to become terminally ill and i can‘t to anyfuckingthing but trying to be strong but I CANT

can you imagine you would have turned 27 this year? i really do wonder how your life would be by now.

would you have children? would you be married? would you work a nice job?

all of these things you never got to experience

there are so many things i forgot about which still come to haunt me at night. and i still doubt myself. did this really happen? was there anything else? - all the things you ask yourself if your feelings get invalidated for a long time.

is there a way i could forgive this scary summer night in 2021 when i felt intensely violated?

probably not. and i shouldnt. the pure rage about everything i‘ve endured is now a part of me, just so that things like these never happen again.

i still remember being a strong girl, especially in my teenage years. i thought i still was one until i realized i was the weakest i‘ve ever been back then and thats why anyone could ever take advantage of me.

she's gone and smashed me up for fun

oh, someone better find her

make her pay for all of this fine china

poke, poke, poke until she bites

until she's full of spit and spite"

i said, "at least my rage is red

i know the day you hear this song you‘ll think its not about you

cause you can‘t handle anyone who ever wants to doubt you

like it was even worse than being in a coma, worse than bleeding out from the inside. worse than losing my best friend, worse than knowing my dad disliked me.

nobody gave a single fuck about me but my parents. i was severely underweight, pale and in pain most of the time. i still gave my best to work, keep the flat tidy and be there for the kitten.

reading how i texted my mum telling her i wanted to die and that i desperately needed her broke me. i completely forgot about that.

she was by my side when the pain became unbearable, when i screamed and cried, i just love her so much.

but i‘m so sorry for putting her through that. i still remember how everyone thought i was gonna die because the doctors believed i had leukaemia. no one told me but receiving birthday gifts days before my birthday was kinda suspicious.

its so hard to know i‘m the only one struggling. i‘m the one who won‘t trust another male again, the one who won‘t open up anymore, the one who seriously doesn‘t wanna love anyone anymore.

i wish it wasn‘t this way.

and it all gets worse all the time. first the sickness, then my dads stroke, how i killed a something that could have been a relationship because i simply cannot trust anyone, then my dog died and then i got sick again, putting me in a coma because i was right before dying and then in the icu for weeks.