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Maybe because everything in the world's just been crazy lately, just wanted to open an app that's dead cause no uses this anymore to rant out, everyone's just reblogging random stuff.

It was this or playing smash, but turns out, my internet isn't working maybe for the rest of the night so I can't play online anyway.

maybe its the water here in america, but sex as in a dick inside an ass, is a given goal, whether you guys are dating or just fucking. filipino guys at least from my experience, are more sweet whether they wanna be your boyfriend or wanna just fuck around the whole night. madali maramdaman na you’re simply sapat, not with just the person, but with the situation in general. 

sex as in dick inside an ass, is still fun though dont get me wrong. but now im getting more older or just more experienced in general, when i guy says like i dont top, or i dont bottom, literally can feel my libido get cut in half. i understand that not everyone is like a versy verse verse, but really, whats the fun of sticking in on position you know. like stigma aside, if you and this guy are chill, great chemistry, does it really matter what you guys do? and if so like, wouldn’t it be be more fun if theres more things to do?

im kinda sad, lonely, depressed low key. im sick and the worst thing about being sick is that you cant go out, people will avoid you and in return you actually don’t wanna be around people but under that is that you actually just wanna be with someone in bed, not even laying down, just next to you sitting.

im kinda sad, i kinda realized something. i can count in my fingers the number of guys im talking to right now, talking as in kind of flirting, or some sense of that. whats sad is that i realize im talking to shit guys. you have x, only talks to me when hes bored or needs to vent something out but never asked me how im doing, y only likes the idea of me as he never acknowledged the fact that the reaosn why im not replying as often is becaus i caught the flu and been suffering then, z is a great guy but doesnt see beyond me. at least he told me to get better.

but if you asked me, which of these three guys would sit next to me to keep me company, none tbrh.

Holded this off for a while, but let me end this as its the new year. 

Unlike Chris ending, which actually has an ending, this one doesn’t really have one. Not that I feel like it’s a pause necessarily like we’re going to get back together at the end of the sentence, a comma or whatever, but I’m still in that grieving process, not ready to let go, not of the memories, but let go that everything happened for a reason. The happines and especially the pain.

I think overall, I’m just a mess. Not just because of what happened, but just in general and I think I already mentioned this in the beginning. It’s been 3 months and within those three months, it had infected a lot in me that I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s at a point where I don’t know what’s causing what, why I’m sad, why I’m angry. Just lost in emotions that I’m not used. Most importantly, dealing with these by myself now that I’m alone.

And I’m gonna be more alone. As counterintuitive as it may sounds, like, I think being more alone is the way to go. I love being home in New York, with friends that care, understand and make me feel important, etc, but I just have yet to accept that I’m always going to be that friend who’s just visiting. I don’t live here with them in New York. It’s unsettling when I think deep into it.

I’m not dying, it’s not goodbye. But I’m leaving and getting into something new, well I’m doing it on myself. This year, I’m going to try to make it better. I’m going to stay in Los Angeles as long as I can and live a little more independently, selfishly and more substantially. Try to have what I have here in New York, happen in Los Angeles too. Let’s see how long I can go without buying a ticket to New York.

I’m also just gonna let it go with the wishes for this new year. If there is anything I wish for, is that I’ll have the strength for whatever 2018 puts on me. Right now, I’m just really thankful to friends that despite I’m always far, still stay the same. Wish I could pack them in a bag and bring them with me in Los Angeles. But no. 

There’s not much else to say. I did see my ex, but I don’t see a point of re evaluating what happened that night but some sense had come out of it. I can move on with a bigger step now. But I do wanna end this with a message to someone specific. I just don’t have the motivation to say it straight up and there’s a lot of things going through my mind tonight. 

Dear you,

As unhealthy as this may sound, but if a boy broke me apart, I believe another boy would also find me broken, fix me and then prove me wrong. Hopeless romantic like that I guess. Surprisngly, you were that boy. You still are. I wanna tell you that you give me hope, even if that hope is shallow, or just a little excitement whenever you text. When I see your name on my screen, I get excited. For what? I don’t know and I don’t really care. But the fact that I can still feel that despite feeling like giving up, is enough for me. All of this, you don’t know. You don’t know how you make me feel and how thankful I am for everything you’ve done for me, for being there even if you don’t think it’s much. So instead I’m writing it out, because I don’t really have the urge that you need to know anyway because what we have, whatever it is now, I’m content. I know I’m not ready to be your boyfriend and I know you aren’t either. I don’t even think we’re ever actually going to be boyfriends. It’s honestly hard to imagine it because of how content I am with everything i have with you right now. 

But one thing I know for sure, if I stayed here, I would most likely fall in love with you. The type that I’d do anything to see you, have you for myself and get you as happy as you make me feel. But I don’t live here and I don’t want to stay here. So it’s just gonna be one of those things that won’t happen and I’m fine with that. Cause you’re a great friend. A very handsome one.

If there is something I wish tonight, is that we’ll get to a point where we can call each other best friends. 

Almost done with this. I don’t think I’m ready but I think it’ll make me post finishing. Whatever.

In between the time of my mom’s departure and the day I leave for Hong Kong to meet Ryan which is roughly 10 days, I’m gonna be focusing on some restarts or something. Still figuring it out, you know, what the exactly means. 

Something I realized recently, is that I’ve only really started my life just fairly recently, looking back at some past experiences. Around 2016. That year felt like a birth or some shit, in a lot of aspects. And I guess I do have a lot to look forward too. Don’t know what it is yet, but I’m figuring it out.

My mom is sleeping in my bed right now. She’s leaving tomorrow.  “Are you okay now that I’m here?” she asked me when we were on our way back from Burbank getting stuff to bring back to New York. I told her, “Sa totoo lang, I think it’ll take a little more to really say na, I’m okay, things are okay. Am I okay? Yeah I’m okay now. But really, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I’m learning to accept it muna, I think it’ll be harder if I tackle it through being in denial.” I consider my relationship with my mom unique compared to others. I can be honest with her and really talk to her like she’s a friend. She didn’t really say anything much after that. She didn’t scold me or talk about what happened during the whole time she’s here. She was just really here, spending time with me. I feel lucky to be able to say that, my mom understands me.

In some way yeah like, admittedly, the way I’m dealing with this breakup may be too overdramatic like I literally can see it being like that. But the fact of the matter is, this caused me to be depressed and lost with things beyond just this one incident and I need to accept and address it. It’s not about the breakup anymore. I don’t want him back, I just want myself back, or work on a new one. I think working on a new self is the righter way. I wouldn’t want to be back to my old self.

Checking in again.

I should be doing homework but got too carried away with the youtube videos. Whatever, whats new. Let me just do a thought vomit.

I was actually in a good mood today. I don’t know why exactly. Today went pretty fast. I woke up from a dream that I transferred back to my old school. I thought it was a sign so I talked to some friends on some thoughts, my mom too. Convinced it wasn’t a super good idea.

I just booked the airbnb for Hong Kong. I’m looking forward on flying all the way over this thanksgiving but more even because I’m gonna see Ryan. I haven’t seen him in 5 years, going into 6. I’ve known him since I was ten. And if we’re gonna be real here, he’s asked me out like twice so there’s a little history between us, but nothing super major at least on my side haha. Sometimes I consider him my first kiss cause he is the first person my lips has touched but i wasn’t really a kiss, that’s why I just consider it “sometimes”. I think I’ve felt his dick before too actually, haha not sure. But I do remember the times that we would hold hands and stuff. Whatever, there’s nothing between us honestly but the fact that were both lonely and we’re sharing a place, I don’t know. I have given it some thought like what if something happens. But Ryan is almost like my brother. It would definitely be really weird if something happened.

Nonetheless, I’m looking forward for it. I’ve been to Hong Kong before so I’m not as excited. I’m just excited to see Ryan.

Also, my mom is coming here on Thursday. I’m really looking forward for that too. When I pick her up at the airport, I think I might cry in her arms. Kinda been craving for that for a while. I’ve been back to cigarettes on a regular basis. She knows I stopped so I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with her being around. Honestly, I don’t think I can go about four days without smoking, so she might need to know.

I’ve been thinking of what do while I’m in New York. My last trip or adventure before this fucking year ends which is honestly because a hell of a year. Nothing major like flying away but far away enough from New York so basically using the train. DC has some architecture things going on so I’ve been considering DC. It seems like the only option to be honest cause I don’t wanna go to Boston since I’ve been there like three times or something, and I think that’s enough Boston for me. And if I ever go, I might be there for a while. My family might kill me but honestly, as much I want to go home to New York, i also don’t wanna be in the house, or in the New York area in general. Kind of sick of New York. I’m homesick, but not New York. Just family and friends. 

Oh well. We’ll see how everything works.

Evening guys. Back at it. Missed yesterday but here again.

Been occupied with the stress with school. See I said stress not school itself because literally not super motivated. I’ve just been dragging along with school. I guess I’m still in the cloud, but eventually I know I’ll break out of it. I’m taking my time. Thats why i’m doing this little countdown, so I’m able to purge out shit.

To be honest theres not much to purge out for tonight. I’ve been listening to a bunch of Troye Sivan, typical gay kid right, but perfect for my little hopeless romantic heart. I feel old in some way, I mean 21 isnt really old, but I still feel my heart and excitement with boys as if I was like, a fourteen year old. Which is kind of weird because I started pretty early with boys. My first boyfriend was when I was 13, but I was talking to guys even before then. Then lost my virginity at 14 in which I don’t regret at all. But obviously those weren’t really like packed with emotional feelings at least on my side because I was young back then. Now that I’m older like, I have a better grasp of it, I’m always craving it. You know like, that cute sappy moments with someone, you guys are just in love and just running holding hands. It’s stupid, but I’d like it.

That’s why I’m jealous of kids who had like some romantic boy when they were young. You know they’re like, hiding from their parents, sleepovers and all that shit. Moving often I guess was hard to achieve that, but I’ve always wanted that. Still do.

On the side note, I’m going a date with this guy tomorrow. We’ve been talking for a week, going on two weeks. I had a phone call with him last night. It was really nice. He’s older than me so I guess he’s more mature, different from before, and in a way, better I guess. I’m looking forward for it. Doing this step with this whole recuperating process. I mean obviously, I’m not ready to jump into the pond. And maybe even just test the waters or something. Honestly, it’s just nice to really shift the gears and as this is a step of starting a new life. Who knows where it’ll go you know? 

I really miss my friends, especially Kevin. I’ve gotten closer with him during the summer. If I had a boyfriend, I’d like him to be like Kevin. He’s somewhat a problematic kid emotionally but the kind that doesn’t feel overbearing. Like the one you easily understand why he feels that. I guess because I’ve known him for three years, I already know him well enough, but this summer really felt like I gotten much closer to him. He’s been such a help and such a great support even before all of this happened. I feel like you always gotta have that friend who acts like your boyfriend, thats how I feel when I’m talking and chilling with him. 

I don’t feel a super urge to go back to New York as much as I am yearning for the comfort of my friends and my family. I’m not really counting the days till I fly back. Like I feel like if this happened and I was in New York, I’d want time to myself which would be hard to achieve and would actually be much a messier process of healing. And I guess you can say like, although being far away from home sucks especially at this time around, it actually makes things a little easier and the process faster. There’s a good part of it after all.

Next month is the last month of 2017 and I wanna do a last major crank when I’m New York of some adventure. I don’t know what yet. Going to Europe and flying to Hong Kong is already super major, but I want one last one to just really wrap this crazy year. What could it be?