My Writings and Such

Chakotay felt reenergized after his session using the Akuna. Some questions were answered, while other questions were raised. He was right about his necklace, yes he was right about the glow from the stone. Ironically, he realized that the glowing hue was identical to Kathryn’s eyes. Smiling to himself, he silently wished her “good night”. Crawling into bed himself, he stared at the ceiling. It seemed lighter than it should be and he thought it was odd. He dismissed it though, and rolled to his side, and fell asleep.

He was dreaming. He knew he was, but the smell of  fire still made him jumpy. He was in the cargo bay, and the computer wasn’t responding to his orders. Had Kathryn lost trust in him? Had she removed his status? He turned and looked around him. Fire everywhere. It wasn’t that he had been removed, but that he was trapped, and systems were malfunctioning to stop the fire. He tried to make it to the wall to manually override the computer. As he moved there was a flash, and a massive white fireball knocked him down. The air knocked out of him, he struggled once more to his feet. He wouldn’t die like this, dream or not. Silently, he called on his spirit guide to help him. He looked around again and noticed the flames had changed. They were completely white. Burning yes, but not moving towards him. They stayed static. Not wanting to tempt fate, he began to quickly move to the wall. In front of him a shape suddenly appeared. It was approximately 5ft in stature, maybe more. Pointed ears like an Ocampa, but lanky like an elf. It was almost like a statue but had been painted. He looked at it but was more anxious to handle the flames. Making his way to the wall finally, he pulled open the panel and began redirecting the circuit power. Just when he was ready to give up, the foam shot from the walls at floor level and extinguished the flames.

As the smoke cleared, the statue remained unharmed. He walked towards it and stopped about a foot away when he heard the voice. “This is not Borg space as she thinks.” It hissed. “Beware star seeker, you shall make friend and foe here.” The voice wasn’t scary, it just caught him off guard. As soon as the voice stopped a huge rush of wind seemed to envelope the room, and the statue shattered, then dissolved. Chakotay was picked up in the wind and thrown.

With a jump, Chakotay woke to find himself on the floor in his quarters. Sweating just as if he had gone back to the Holodeck to work out, his shorts clung to his legs, and the heat from his skin radiated out. Slowly getting up, he took a deep breath. The words replayed in his head “Not Borg space, friend and foe”. Chakotay tried to shake himself of the dream and looked at the clock. 0530. Great time to get ready for work. He ate breakfast quickly and replicated coffee. Not for himself, but for her. It wasn’t much, but he would give anything to see the light back in her eyes. The necklace glowed again. As blue as Kathryn’s eyes. Smiling, Chakotay grabbed the coffee cup from the replicator, and headed out the door.

 Kathryn had just passed Chakotay’s door, and he saw her rounding the corner. He carefully trotted to catch up. The light demand on his muscles making them rebel after the workout yesterday. “Kathryn!” He called to her so she would turn. As she did, his heart sped up, and he could feel the stone against his chest cooling rapidly. He could see she hadn’t slept well the night before, and he realized that it bothered him. It never had before. Or was he so dense he had never noticed it? Either way, he was sorry he had never noticed it before now. As he stepped up to her, he took her right hand in his left, and carefully set the coffee cup in her hand. “I thought you might need this before duty.” He said smiling slightly. She looked down at the cup, and back at him. “Thank you.” It was almost a whisper. A weary whisper. He walked with her in silence as she drank, and he realized the stone was colder than usual under his uniform. So cold in fact, it made goosebumps on his skin.

As they made their way onto the bridge, Chakotay felt the shift in her. No personal feelings, only work. Tom caught his eye and gave a questioning look. Chakotay smiled and shook his head, as if to say “It’s nothing.” Kathryn had settled in her chair, still cradling the coffee cup he had given her, and if someone caused her to spill it, Kathryn decided she would probably just eject them into space. She wasn’t showing it, but it touched her deeply that he had used his rations on her. As Kathryn listened to the din surrounding her, she let her mind wander to the place where she kept everything she knew about Audrey’s disappearance. The police seemed to not be willing to help, her mother was crushed, and had blamed herself, Kathryn admitted she just quit feeling after the first 30 days.

Audrey’s father, Shane had been a promising officer at the Academy. Their romance had been a whirlwind. He had turned rogue though and took up a position as a no name Maquis. Kathryn understood the Maquis cause far more than Chakotay would realize. When she found out she was pregnant, she was terrified to tell anyone. Shane found out one night after they had gone dancing, and she fell extremely ill. While being checked out by medical, the truth came to light, and he had asked her; “Is it true Katy? Are you? I mean, are we?” When she had answered in the positive, she was sure he would be enraged. Instead, he swept her up off the bed in his arms and held her tightly. It was the safest she had felt the entire time she had been pregnant. Then came the night when she was seven months 3 weeks along, when the police came to her door with the announcement that Shane was gone. She thought she had lost her soul then but carried on anyway. When Audrey was born, she struggled to find a middle name, and Shane had been adamant that the baby should have a noble, and respectable last name. So, Audrey Shane Janeway was born.

Kathryn jumped as she felt Chakotay’s light touch on her arm. She looked up at him, and knew he saw her tears and pain. Quickly, she blinked them away, as she realized Tuvok had been calling to her concerning an approaching vessel. She went through the motions and could feel Chakotay just over her left shoulder as she stood to listen and speak back to their newly found species. Curious travelers were what they were. No hostility. No war. No fighting. Several times as Chakotay would speak she caught herself looking up and slightly back at him. On purpose, she took half a step back and gently bumped into him. Then as he spoke, she studied his profile. Just looking at this man calmed her. Calmed her, alarmed her, confused her. Running her teeth across her bottom lip, she forced herself to look away from him, and back to the screen. They said their goodbyes to this new species and went on their way. As soon as the screen went back to being just darkness and stars, Kathryn made a subtle break for the Readyroom.

Chakotay watched her go. He wasn’t sure if he should follow. The words from his dream repeated. “This is not Borg space as she thinks.” With that, he handed off command to Tuvok, and followed Kathryn. She was at her desk staring at her computer when he entered. “Captain” he said, and she looked up. Emotionless. That’s how she was looking at him, and it scared him. “I need to talk to you about where we are in the quadrant.” He said, trying to illicit a reaction from her. She blinked and motioned to a chair. “Borg space.” She said as he sat. “We have been through this before.” Her tone was flat, and still emotionless. “I don’t think it’s Borg space we will be entering.” As he said that, there was a flicker in her eyes. Barely. “I am not sure what we will find here, but I doubt it will be Borg.” As he said that, Kathryn’s brow furrowed as she processed what he was saying. “Commander,” She started, as she came around the desk and stood in front of him, leaning her hip on the edge. “What do you base your findings on?” She was curious. Still guarded, still numb, but curious.

He knew how his answer would sound but he had to say it. “A dream after my meditation last night.” He repeated the dream, every part of it. Kathryn listened actively. Again, a flicker, but this time it stayed. When he was done, Kathryn was silent for a minute as she walked to the window. Turning back to face him, she said, “Commander, at this point I say we prepare for Borg—but hope for whatever your dream may mean.” Just then Seven’s voice came over their Combadges. “Captain, Commander, The readings from the probe have returned. There are no Borg in the distances tested.” Seven said in her usual, factual tone. “Very well, Seven, thank you for letting us know. Please ready the probes again to be used in the next couple of days after their data has been loaded into our records.” Chakotay said as he watched Kathryn.

Kathryn turned and walked back to the window, and tried to lose herself in the onyx of space beyond the glass. She explained in great detail about Audrey. The last time she had tucked her into bed, the last bedtime story. How Audrey had spilled grape juice on the carpet, and some had gotten into Molly’s fur. Chakotay let her talk, saving his questions, but reacting with anger, pain, and nearly tears at points. This secret was what drove Kathryn. It wasn’t Starfleet, science or any other innocuous thing. Audrey. Her little girl. 

As Kathryn finished the explanation, she let the air hang in silence as she tried to hold herself together. It had been seven long years Audrey had been missing. Kathryn had just adopted Molly and thought her life was better. She had gone on a date with someone her mother deemed worthy, and that is when all hell broke loose. She came home, and Audrey was gone. In her heart of hearts, she hoped somehow, some way, somewhere that Audrey was alive. Audrey would be nine years old now. Nine years old and hopefully full of curiosity as Kathryn was. The silence became deafening, even to Kathryn who sometimes reveled in the silence. 

Chakotay cleared his throat as he tried to push his emotions aside. He couldn’t. He knew as soon as he spoke, Kathryn would hear the sorrow, regret, and pain he felt for pushing her to the point of explaining. Kathryn turned to face him at the sound, and the pain he saw in her face seemed to stab at his soul. She leaned against the wall next to the window and watched him. He was stuttering mentally and emotionally. It didn’t make her feel any better. She wanted to be closer to him, and that annoyed her. But she knew it could happen easily. The fact she wanted it to happen ripped her nerves even more.

“I... I’m sorry Kathryn.” He managed to get out before he quickly looked at the floor. Kathryn exhaled a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Before Kathryn could form a sentence, he spoke: “Why haven’t you ever said anything? You’ve been running around this ship like a maniac, and now it all makes sense. Why hide this?!” Kathryn bit her lip and looked at him. She walked about half way to Chakotay and stopped. She didn’t know if he was still angry, so she left him some space.”My reason for getting home is no more important than anyone else’s. We all want to get home.” She said as she stopped herself from finishing the thought.  In reality, she wanted to get back home, find the sonofabitch that took her little girl, and kill them. 

Chakotay looked at her. Really looked at her, and realized she wasn’t as pulled together as she normally was. She looked frazzled, tired, and stressed. Really, really stressed. He wanted to cross the distance and tell her it was okay. He wanted to... What did he want to do? Hold her? Embrace her? Break every rule that they haven’t broken already? That’s exactly what he wanted. He wanted to make what they had serious, permanent, safe. He wanted Kathryn Janeway to rely on him. He wanted her to trust him. As he came out of his thoughts he noticed she had set on the couch and was holding her head in her hands. He knew at the sight of her, she was crying. 

"I'm really not happy with you right now, Chakotay. I trusted you." Kathryn said as she swiveled slightly in her chair. They were nearing Borg space and she really didn't need this. Not right now. Chakotay leaned forward, placing his hands palms down on the edge of her desk. He turned her computer so she couldn't be distracted. He wanted her to feel his frustration. "Well gee, I guess that trust should have included this too. I mean I wouldn't keep something this major from you. Especially since our common goal is to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. Or has the great Kathryn Janeway given up?" He achieved what he wanted, the look on her face said that had she something in her hand other than her favorite coffee cup, she would have launched it at him.

Swallowing her anger, Kathryn stood abruptly. She walked to the window, and stared out at the darkness, trying to shake off the memory. It wouldn't budge. It was so vivid she could almost smell the scent of lavender wafting on the breeze.

Sensing the struggle, Chakotay walked over and stood behind her. Gently, he began rubbing her shoulders like he had on New Earth. She didn't stop him, and he could tell she was trying to hold on to composure. He turned her to face him and lifted her chin so she would look at him. He saw the tears she was holding back, and the pain of the memory that was still holding her hostage.

Kathryn knew as soon as he began rubbing her shoulders that she was going to lose the fight of holding herself together. But there were rules to follow. The rules that for so long had made her life easy. No feelings, just follow the rules of Starfleet, and everything would be okay. But Kathryn had long ago realized that the rules of Starfleet are what had landed her crew and the Maquis in this situation. Because in the eyes of Starfleet the Maquis were a threat.

Looking into the dark eyes of the "threat" in front of her, she longed for his embrace. She knew all she had to do was ask. Ask, and the pain and the worry would abate for awhile. Ask, and she could forget for just a little longer. Ask, and she could break another restraining Starfleet rule. Ask, and things would be very different between them.

"All I wanted when I began looking Kathryn, was to understand what was driving you. It was never to hurt you. Never to fracture your trust in me." Chakotay said as he stepped away. He had turned away from her. More to cover his own pain that he felt but didn't understand. He stopped at the edge of her desk and drummed his fingertips slightly. "Hell, I wasn't even sure what there was to find." He turned back to her to find that she had nearly closed the distance between them completely.

"Then why didn't you just ask me?" Kathryn said as she resisted the urge to touch him. "Why?" Chakotay asked, as he kept the remaining distance between them. He decided to let go of the anger he felt, but knew he had to control it. "I didn't ask because I knew you wouldn't answer.." he began, "I knew you'd do exactly what you always do. Shut down, and push away. You have pushed all of us away in some way or another!" He realized he had raised his voice and took a deep breath.

"Not this time. This time you don't get to hide and shut down. You don't get to make the rules Kathryn. For once, you get to just answer." He stopped and let the air hang for a few seconds. Rubbing his hands over his face, he asked quietly, "What the hell are you so fucking afraid of Kathryn? Feeling? Fighting off the fear of not making it home? I'm sorry but fear is natural. Not feeling or trying to isolate so you don't feel is not natural."

Chakotay stopped, and in the silence you could have heard a pin hit the carpet. He looked at her for the first time since he had begun his tirade. Her face was flush with color, and she was looking at the floor the way she did when she was thinking. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and the breath he heard her draw was shakey.