Lost - trying to find my way back

Although it’s going to take me awhile to erase you completely from my thoughts, I now can say I no longer feel like you’re gone. I feel like I am free.

I cried myself to sleep again last night, but this time fewer tears. I'm praying for any sliver of strength each day, some hope of getting over you. Because your true colors are shining through and have shown me truly the type of person you are, it's making it easier to say goodbye. I suppose I should thank you for that.

I just can't let go. I keep pouring out my heart to someone who DOES. NOT. LOVE. ME BACK. Now I've pushed you so far away you're not texting me anymore. Why can't I find the strength to love myself more than I love you?

I know I should not be texting you. But you’re still texting me back. That’s got to mean something right?

I miss your voice. The recordings you made for me to fall asleep to, to comfort me in my time of need, to make me feel your love... will kill me if I listen to them again. I can’t bear to get rid of them, so I’ve locked them away where I can’t get to them for now. Maybe one day I’ll have the strength to do what I know I should with them.

You said my new scar would give you one more place for your lips to kiss and I would still be beautiful. You told me to think about you the whole time. I did, and cried all the way through surgery because only a couple of days before it you ended things with me. Bandages will heal my skin but what the fuck will heal my heart?

I wasn't even looking for anything with you. I was happy in my own safe, sheltered little life. Accepting it for what it was and not complaining about needs that weren't being met. Everyone has to settle, to compromise on something don't they? It's impossible to "have it all." But here you came, unlocking a part of me I thought died, all of a sudden making me realize exactly what I needed, what I was capable of feeling. You made me feel beautiful, seen, accepted just as I was. We were supposed to be in each other's lives for years to come even if we were to never meet face to face. There was a unique, unspeakable bond between us and I've never felt more myself with anyone. You said it would take work but as long as we were both willing to work, this could last for a very long time. I believed you. Now just a few months later, you are gone and I'm drowning in sorrow. No one knows anything, not my family, not my friends, no one. I would give anything to go back to the day before I met you. Why did you decide to stop working on us? What did I do?

Slivers of morning light start to fill the bedroom as the sun begins to rise. My eyes are closed, I start to feel sunlight on my face, and the warmth of your body intertwined with mine beneath the sheets. The sounds of your breath bring me comfort. The smell of your skin is intoxicating. I run my hand gently across your chest, up your cheek and through your hair. I run my thumb across lips that I desperately want to kiss, and can feel a smile forming. If I could freeze this moment in time I would. Everything.Is.Perfect. I open my eyes, smiling and blissfully happy only to find my whole world is gone. I remember that you are gone, and this has all been a dream of beautiful times past. I reach my hand out across the bed to feel nothing but empty, vacant space you used to occupy.