Sean Keane Comedy

Coach Sean Talks Ryan Lochte As a former swim coach, I feel like I have particular insight into the disgraced US swimmers' current predicament. Were they drunken, racist idiots who caused an international incident for virtually no reason? Yes. But they also forgot the fundamentals of their sport.

1. Remember the importance of streamlining.

When you dive in or push off a wall, it is crucial to hold a tight streamline position to move efficiently through the water, conserving energy and reducing drag. Similarly, when you and your friends make up a fake story about a robbery, it’s crucial to streamline the details. Muggers beat you up? Sure. Muggers pretending to be cops? And one of you refuse to lay down, even at gunpoint? Now that’s unnecessarily sticking your head up, and that’s how people catch up to you.

2.  Time your flip correctly.

Know when you’re about to hit the wall, and adjust accordingly. When doing backstroke, you have to count your strokes and pay attention to the flags. When Ryan Lochte flew home early from Brazil, that was a giant red flag! You need to flip BEFORE your bullshit story crashes! Once authorities have pulled you off of a plane and seized your passport, that’s far too late to flip on your friends.

3. Pay attention to the video.

Watching film can give you crucial insight into your performance. Maybe your elbows should be higher on freestyle. Maybe you’re not pulling past your hips quickly enough on butterfly. Or maybe the gas station’s security camera caught you breaking down a door and then urinating against a wall. Reviewing the tape can get you out of jail, and onto the podium.

4. Brazilians are your friends.

Swim races often come down to the hundredth of a second. Swimmers must take every precaution to reduce friction, both in and out of the pool. If you’re already wearing a synthetic swim cap and waxing your chest, it’s just stupid to be dismissive of Brazilians. Things will go much, much smoother, even if you and your dumb friends got shithouse drunk at 4 AM.

5. Don’t punch a gas station security guard.

Great Moments In Warriors History: The Chris & Tim Burger

In 1989, the Warriors drafted Tim Hardaway, adding him to their existing core of Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin. Together they combined to form a high-scoring, fast-paced trio that provided unstoppable offense and virtually no defense whatsoever. During the 1991 season, the San Francisco Examiner ran a contest to name the duo - they were previously known as the "Big Three," which is both generic and inaccurate, since Tim Hardaway isn't even six feet tall. The players chose "Run TMC" (for Tim-Mitch-Chris) as the winner.

They were incredibly fun to watch, scoring tons of points, constantly fast-breaking and shooting threes. Their teammates were not particularly good, however. Once, Run TMC scored 30 points each, and still lost by 12 when all the other Warriors combined only put up 19. The team went 81-83 in this era, and peaked with a first-round upset win over the San Antonio Spurs in 1991. Afterward, the Warriors traded Richmond for rookie Billy Owens. After the trade, Mitch Richmond went on to make the All-Star team six times and won an Olympic gold medal. Billy Owens...did not.

In the short term, the Warriors did improve. They won 55 games in 91-92, culminating in an upset loss to the Seattle Supersonics in the playoffs. Seattle was led by Oakland native Gary Payton, who'd been drafted in 1990 with a pick the Warriors traded for Alton Lister. Gary Payton is in the Hall of Fame. Still, the Warriors didn't capture the imagination like the Run TMC trio, nor did the nickname. Enter the Chris & Tim Burger.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv3dBl83brU

It's not encouraging when the signature commercial for your franchise players centers around them squabbling about top billing. The burger itself seems thrown together with no regard for chemistry - uh, barbecue sauce? Bacon? No particular style of cheese, just "cheese." Even in this TV ad, which solely exists to promote the burger, makes the Chris & Tim Burger (Tim & Chris Burger?) look overcooked and undercooked simultaneously. I consulted an expert, who said the burger looked "realistic, for McDonald's.” It looks about as appetizing as the 1992-3 Warriors, who went 34-48.

(Side note: CLEARLY it should be the Chris & Tim Burger. It's alphabetical, Mullin was older, and he'd just won a gold medal on the Dream Team.)

(Side note 2: My parents had a joint birthday party this same year where the invitation was them arguing whether it was the "Den & Shar Party" or the "Shar & Den Party.")

More than anything, the Chris & Tim Burger speaks to the failure of Warriors nickname culture. Latrell Sprewell had the inexplicable nickname, "The Landlord" - I own a poster featuring Latrell dunking with the tagline "TIME TO PAY THE RENT." Chris Gatling was "The Energizer." Victor Alexander was "Big Smooth," although my little sisters called him "Fat Burger." Among my friends, Billy Owens was informally known as "Homewrecker." I'd like to make some retroactive suggestions:

For Tim-Chris-Billy:  Run TCB-Why Did We Trade Mitch Richmond???

For Tim-Latrell-Chris:  Run TLC. Because they played with a bunch of scrubs.

For Biedrins-David Lee-Steph Curry-Monta Ellis:  Run BDSM. Because watching that team was masochistic.

Great Moments In Warriors History: Mike Dunleavy Junior Gets A Standing Ovation

In 2001, the Warriors added Jason Richardson, Troy Murphy, and Gilbert Arenas in a single draft. Quite a collection of talent, and with the third pick in the 2002 draft, they had a great chance to add to their young nucleus. Instead, they picked Mike Dunleavy Junior.

Dunleavy had won a national title with Duke as a sophomore. He was tall, but too skinny to play forward. He was a great outside shooter in college, but didn't develop three-point range until his sixth year in the league. Mike's father was an NBA coach, so the Warriors were hoping his family pedigree would extend to the next generation. Mike Dunleavy Senior was a pretty disappointing NBA coach, so they weren't exactly wrong.

On March 23, 2005, MDJ finally won the affection of Warriors fans. After a terrible offensive foul call against him, Dunleavy lost his mind, screaming at the ref and earning a rare "flagrant technical," leading to his immediate ejection. One can only assume he suggested that the referee had sexual relations with his mother, or at least suggested that he should make love to himself. The ejection didn't stop the rampage, however. Dunleavy kept screaming at the ref, until the entire team interceded, and then he took his jersey off and flung it into the crowd. The arena rose at once to applaud.

That was the last time they'd cheer. Dunleavy signed a wildly unpopular contract extension that fall, and muddled through two more seasons in Oakland before being traded to Indiana. The Warriors immediately made the playoffs. Dunleavy eventually reached the postseason in 2011, nine years into his career, and lost 4-1 in the first round.

Great Moments in Warriors History: Elton Brand Destroys Three Franchises At Once

In 2007, Baron Davis led the Warriors to the playoffs for the first time in 13 years, where they upset the top-seeded, 67-win Dallas Mavericks. In 2008, the Warriors won 48 games but missed the playoffs (they would have been the #4 seed in the East). Baron has $17 million coming to him in 2008-9, but he also had an opt-out. He and Chris Mullin reached an agreement on a three-year extension, but team president Robert Rowell vetoed the deal. So Baron became a free agent.

Down in Los Angeles, All-Star Elton Brand was also a free agent, though he said he'd take less money if it helped the Clippers add another star. He and Baron made a pact to play together in LA, Baron's home town. On July 6, 2008, Baron agreed to a five-year deal with the Clippers. On July 9, 2008, Brand agreed to a five-year deal with... the Philadelphia 76ers. Panicked, the Warriors signed former Clipper Corey Maggette to a five-year deal.

All three contracts were terrible. Elton Brand got hurt and missed most of his first year in Philly. He maxed out at 15 points per game, never made another All-Star team, and was eventually waived by Philadelphia, who began a four-year cycle of tanking.

Maggette hogged the ball, played terrible defense, and led the league in six-step traveling violations in Oakland, before being traded to Milwaukee two years later. In return, the Warriors received Charlie Bell, who achieved notoriety that fall for showing up drunk to a hearing in a DUI case. The team used its amnesty provision on Bell in a failed attempt to sign Tyson Chandler or DeAndre Jordan, which then required them to trade a first-round pick to dump Andris Biedrins' salary in 2013.

Davis was overweight and unhappy in LA. Two years into his deal, the Clippers nightmare racist owner, Donald Sterling, had begun regularly heckling him from his courtside seats. The frustrated Clippers finally gave up a first-round pick just to get rid of Baron's contract - which became the #1 pick in the draft, Kyrie Irving.Since this deal, all three teams have been sold.

Great Moments in Warriors History: Tim Young Has A Great Time Out

The 1999-2000 Warriors were a profoundly depressing team. They were tough to watch, both because of their play and because of this ad, which ran at every single commercial break throughout the season.

It's inexplicable on many levels. There's a bunch of steel drums, which in 1999 indicated you were watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial. There's a fish eye lens, because, again, 1999, but it makes Antawn Jamison's smile look troubling. Adonal Foyle has maracas. Minutes leader Mookie Blaylock (currently incarcerated) is filmed in fast-motion, because he's 32 and not that quick. Donyell Marshall and Erick Dampier look embarrassed, especially when Dampier has to give Thunder the mascot a piggyback ride. And then there's Tim Young.

Young was a rookie center from Stanford. He played 137 total minutes that season, the only one in his NBA career. His baffling inclusion in this commercial can only be explained by, "We needed a white guy." Even in a grief glimpse of Young's dancing, you can see his footwork is a problem.

Great Moments In Warriors History: The Jason Caffey Blockbuster

The Warriors selected Joe Smith with the first pick in the 1995 NBA Draft, so by midseason 1998, it was time to trade Joe Smith. They flipped him for two players who weren't going to re-sign, so the Warriors needed a new power forward. Someone with championship pedigree. Someone like Chicago Bulls backup Jason Caffey.

Scottie Pippen's agent had been very critical of the Bulls ownership all season. Pippen was crucial to the Bulls threepeat hopes, but Jason Caffey had the same agent. So even though Caffey had started five playoff games the previous year, the Bulls traded him, purely out of spite.

The Warriors made a run to close the season that year, mainly because their 1998 pick was top-3 protected, and they needed to claw their way to the 4th-worst record. Caffey averaged almost 11 points per game down the stretch. After the season, the Warriors were terrified that he too would leave, so they signed Caffey to a 7-year, $35 million contract. It was like they'd gotten out of a long relationship, and immediately proposed to the first person they dated afterward. Unfortunately, though Caffey WAS a rebound, he couldn't rebound.

Great Moments In Warriors History: Rick Barry Is Publicly Racist

Many great players passed through the Warriors organization over the years - Wilt Chamberlain, Nate Thurmond, Hall of Famers Paul Arizin and Tom Gola. But the most emblematic Warrior of all time is the man who led them to their first title in Oakland, Rick Barry.

Barry won Rookie of the Year in his first season, and led the team to the NBA Finals in his second year. Since he was a Warrior, he then sat out the following season in a contract dispute, showing the team's new California fans that good things would never last. He led the team to an improbable championship in 1975, but in Game 7 of the 1976 Western Conference Finals, Barry got mad at his teammates and refused to shoot, and the Suns won the series.

(30 years later, Kobe Bryant delivered a homage to Barry, also refusing to shoot the ball in a Game 7 against the Suns.)

After his career, Barry specialized in announcing and casual racism. During the 1981 Finals, he told broadcast partner Bill Russell that he had a "watermelon grin" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rg8kkzzHSTw). Barry stopped working with Russell after that, but was still well regarded enough to work the 1988 dunk contest. When Michael Jordan took off for a jam, Barry turned on the racism.

"That's what I call the Chinese Superman dunk. He comes at it a little sideways, he's got some slant on it."

Great Moments In Warriors History: Chris Washburn Has A Career Night

In 1986, the Warriors drafted Chris Washburn with the first pick in the NBA Draft. One pick earlier, the Celtics selected Len Bias, who died of a cocaine overdose two days after the draft, yet arguably had a better pro career than Washburn.

Washburn battled knee soreness his rookie year and a dependence on painkillers, which led to a kidney infection. But on December 7, 1986, Washburn had a career night. He came off the bench against the Lakers to notch 17 points and 12 rebounds, even throwing in an assist and a steal. Finally, a glimpse of the potential he'd shown in college!

Great Moments In Warriors History: Patrick O'Bryant learns how to send a letter.

The Warriors drafted Patrick O'Bryant 9th overall in 2006. But there were some immediate problem signs. He had a poor work ethic, he had an undisclosed foot injury that left him in a boot, and he didn't quite have the basketball IQ they expected. Also he didn't know how to send a letter.

Teammate Troy Murphy commented, "I took him to talk with a mailman, he was just lost. He knew absolutely nothing about the post." O'Bryant was particularly frustrated trying to send packages: he couldn't keep the weight in check, and when sending things long-distance, he never understood the concept of a postal "zone." He even once scraped his car against the side of a mail truck, leading to a long tirade from Don Nelson about protecting the paint.

Great Moments In Warriors History: The Chris Porter Game

At the All-Star Break in 2001, the Warriors were 15-33. Bad, but not worst in the NBA bad. But then the Warriors turned on the suck, winning only two games the rest of the season. The only speed bump came on March 26, 2001. They'd beaten the Pistons two days earlier, then took the Knicks to overtime. They were five minutes away from a lottery-derailing two-game win streak.

Enter Chris Porter. He played a career-high 42 minutes, including the overtime period where the Warriors held the Knicks to only four points. But Porter ensured the Warriors would put the brake to the metal themselves, scoring only two points to pull out the clutch loss. The Warriors finished with the second-worst record in the NBA, but were jumped by three other teams - the most possible - in the draft lottery, and picked 5th.

Great Moments In Warriors History: Todd Fuller makes a dunk.

In a November 12, 1996 game against the Seattle Supersonics (R.I.P.), Warriors center Todd Fuller, AKA "The White Tornado," successfully and improbably dunked the basketball. Detlef Schrempf slipped and lost the ball, and Chris Mullin passed to a wide-open Fuller, a player the Warriors took two spots ahead of Kobe Bryant. Fuller bobbled the pass, brought it down, then leaped as high as he could, just barely nudging the ball over the rim with both hands. He then pumped his fist almost imperceptibly, before running back down the court with his head down.

Fuller would dunk just two more times in his career, both occurring after the Warriors traded him to Utah for a second-round pick. As Utah had the best record in the NBA that year, it was, by rule, the least the Warriors could receive in return.

Great Moments in Warriors History: April 6, 2012.

The Warriors owe Utah a first-round pick if their pick falls outside the top 7. With just weeks remaining in the season, Golden State is only the 9th-worst team in basketball. And in a late-season game in Salt Lake City, despite starting Jeremy Tyler, the Warriors lead. That's when Mark Jackson puts in what pundits call the "Suicide Lineup."

The Warriors play an elimination game tonight versus the Oklahoma CityThunder. Historically, when I'm this worried about a single Warriors game, it means that have to lose to preserve a good lottery pick. So let’s look at some Great Moments in Warriors History!

April 14, 2010

A short-handed Warriors team has to play Portland on the road in their final game of the season. They have to go forward with only five players after Chris Hunter hurts his knee in the 1st quarter. Somehow, he was the team's starting center. Devean George fouls out, but stays in the game because the team is not allowed to play with four. Steph Curry and Monta Ellis play 48 minutes each and combine for 76 points. Reggie Williams and Anthony Tolliver also never come out of the game.