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I want to dumb down their vocabulary and trivialize their adult problems until they come home from work hardly able to contain their tears because their boss was “such a big meanie” to them today and work is too hard, they just want their blocks.

Allow them to date but only under my supervision and with my approval, selecting for them only the cruelest, most condescending partners I can find. Making them so nervous for their nights out that they’re bound to fail. And when they do, I’d want them running home to me, crying because it’s so hard trying to be big.

It would be so cute watching them try to resist it from absolutely consuming them at first. All bashful in the beginning when I ask them if they washed their hands after going to the bathroom. Then as all sense of dignity and pride is chipped away, becoming more obnoxious- making a big scene of filling their pants for me, forgetting that the bathroom was ever even an option.

Getting them so hopelessly dependent on nap time that I have to make excuses for their behavior when they get cranky because they’re overdue for theirs. I want them so helpless, they’re pawing at my shirt with wet eyes and whimpers anytime anything goes awry, taking comfort in the safety and dependability of nursing from me.

Spoiling them so rotten they can’t take no for an answer anytime they see a toy or treat their little heart desires. Nothing would make me happier than to see my little one, ego completely shattered, red in the face, kicking and screaming on the floor because I said they can’t have sweets before dinner. Letting them wear themselves out until they’re just a heaving mess of tears desperate for the familiarity of me.