Sea Gulp

Before Spread Joy and the pressure to make something because we HAD to, it had been 4 or 5 years since I’d really designed anything. Moving to Chicago was a good thing to do but the timing crippled my creative drive: a friend and former lover had passed, I was moving with nothing and little money, I was distrusting of the ‘American Experience’ especially after years of shedding the damaging aspects of that experience that I knew were a part of me. 

Despite the good things that were happening, I was sad. I was really just very and cripplingly sad and scared. What I felt seemed insurmountable and it was painful to pick up a pencil or squeeze clay or even read a book. 

Finally I am able to imagine things with some clarity, I can sit and work it out in some capacity. Part of me is frustrated that I am 5 years behind where I could be now, but the other part is glad that I came out of it at all. I’m thankful for the boys in Spread Joy to let me decide the visual fate of this rag tag band. 

In having that pressure and purpose, I have been able to explore other things seemingly unrelated but all a part of my experience as a human person. Little things that I’d have missed out on because of my former incapacity to quietly look or be. My sadness will always be a part of me but so will my joy. I’m contented to have some of that sit on my shoulder, guiding my visions as I stumble back into the good habits of making things and being kind to myself in my critiques.