Untitled

Henry: Can't be walking getting the donuts over there my feet are tired

Ben: There's no crime if you don't investigate it.

Henry: Well, technically, she was the Scarlett Johansson of Coquitlam

Henry: wait for it wait for it wait for it... It's tits

Henry: you mean to tell me that I'm gonna go and I'm gonna stand in a little space and I'm gonna have all of this offensive water just weaponized at me, shooting all over me. I've got a curtain wrapped around me like I'm ashamed of my own . I can't be in that haunted little room filled with rain! That's fake rain!

Henry: but I do notice when I go into some rooms the flowers wilt

Henry: if you can't rely on your mother to hide your crimes for you... My mother is NUTS but I know for a fact that she would lie for me on the stand. That's the only thing they need to be there for that's it, in the end. They gotta lie to credit card companies for you— Ben: never heard of him! Henry: never heard of him. My son died. My son is dead.

Marcus: wait are you saying if you're in an accident, what, 'better dead'?

Ben: I think Henry is taking a bizarre love side for the mother right now

Henry: he would've just been a crooked boy you know what I mean—

Ben: no he would have not have been a crooked boy he would've fought hard and made it to the NFL— CFL

Marcus: he would've been alive at the very least. He would've been alive you fucking monster

Henry: the problem is the royal mountain police didn't want to investigate because the horses were scared of the pigs!... They couldn't get them up the hill!

Henry: my mom can beat up your mom

Ben: I don't think so buddy my mom is very strong—

Henry: my mom killed a boy, she killed a boy to cover up for our crimes........my mom can beat up your mom

Marcus: He's the Heathcliff of serial killers

Henry: uhhhh Nermal was a ✨liability✨

Henry: how'd he do it— was he riding a pig? Is that why it took fucking six weeks!?

Henry: I got pig sense not hammer sense!

Marcus: he says no to everything but pigs!

Henry: he's yes to pigs man

Henry: LIkE WiLlY yOuRe cOvErD iN piG sHiT! At least cherry pie is NICE

Henry: I just feel like Guy Fieri would go there and then send the camera crew out like he’d be like "sorry guys this isn't gonna work out for everybody s-so you guys just leave. I'm gonna catch up with the rest of the group" and then it's just him being like "sometimes a man's gotta take a trip to flavortown alone"

Henry, imitating Robert: HA OH THAT IS UH— THATS INCREDIBLE! HES A WIZARD! WE NEED TO BURN THE WIZARD ALIVE!

Ben: so he's just a stinky moe from the three studges covered in pig poop—

Henry, imitating Robert: y'know what I gotta say the hardest part about being Canadian is the thick hair. I just got to get all the knots out of this. Do you notice anything different about me?

Ben: your hair looks great, Willy

Henry: than you I purchased it.

Henry, imitating Robert: the problem is that honestly I would've even kept it, uh Harold, I named him Harold. Because that boy... But once he speaking to me. Because it would do stuff like I was just taking him off and putting— cause I have a mannequin head— I put him on that and I would go to sleep. I just look over at Harold and I'm like "goodnight Harold" and it's like "call the police on yourself.... You're doing horrible crimes" and I was like "you gotta get outta here this thing is is really it's busting my hide."

Marcus: and Willy just looooved terrorizing the golfers

Henry: honestly, this is like Caddyshack. If this was just funny, if there was no murders in this, this would be incredible

Marcus: yeah just a weird bozo the clown looking pig shit covered guy running down the golf course, snatching up golf balls and running back to his land

Marcus: then when people would come and be like "hey! Gimme my golf balls back!" He's like "GET OFF OF MY LAND"

Henry: "OH YOU SEE I GOT YOUR GOLFBALL HERE MR FANCY GOLFMAN! SEE WHAT I DO?"

Henry: he puts the goofball it into the front of his pants "OH ITS IN THE SAND TRAP BETTER GET YOUR WEDGE!"

Henry: but before that he (Henry's dad) was apart of a bike gang called "the cyclepaths" and what they would do is, they would go around the neighborhood and they would put up signs that say "stop the cyclepaths" and they would do this whole like big fundraiser to stop the menace that's the cyclepaths in the neighborhood they'd get a bunch of money from the people and then they'd buy beer with the money and drink it all night and just raise hell