Everyday Musings

You make me sad.

I tried to delete the pictures of us in my phone this morning. I still can’t do it. I can’t even look at them. I keep wondering if you were thinking of her while we were watching the sunrise in Bali, or when you held my hand while walking around Kochi. I wonder why you said we’re going to be together, don’t be sad as I got on the plane back to Thailand. Why did you hold my hand like I was the only one you wanted to be with in the taxi when you came to pick me up at the airport? I’m so confused and I have so many questions. My friends tell me I’ll be stronger after this. I really hope so because all I am is a mess trying to love myself. 

I write and write but it seems there’s no one out there. Sometimes it discourages me but today I’m reminding myself that I’m doing this for myself. Just because no one recognises me doesn’t mean I should stop my creative process. I do it for the process, for therapy, for my soul. I’m wired to write and create. So at the end of the day, if there’s no one applauding me for the stuff I write, I don’t have to put myself down. It’s not because it is mediocre, it’s not because the feelings I feel are not valid. This is positive self-talk. I see it as my growth. 

I pretend you are dead. So I won’t write any emails to you. So I won’t ever call you. So I won’t search for you. You’re dead, buried somewhere. Your soul has reached somewhere I cannot reach. You’re no longer a part of this world. I can’t reach you no matter how much I wish I could. You can’t hear me no matter how much I scream and cry. 

hearts are broken every day.. don’t worry.. he’s only the love of my life. 

Sometimes I am having a good day and then you suddenly be on my mind unannounced, uninvited and my entire world becomes shrouded with darkness and I descend into an inferno. I’ve been dying like this every day at least once. I will never get to see you again, hear your voice, hold your hand, look you in the eyes ever again. I never thought I would have to go through this kind of breakup, I felt so secured with the thought that I have found the one. 

I miss you terribly like I’m missing a body part .. I know you’re happy with her and I’m glad but I still miss you. I can’t forget about you and I don’t want to either.