✰𝕒𝕓𝕚✰

over. and over. and over, again. the rhythmic beeps drill into my skull. drill into my bones. driving their rhythm of my beating heart back into me. over. and over. and over, again. 

the fluorescent lights scream over my face. each beam a reminder of who I was. of who I lost. of who will never come to say goodbye. I want to scream with the light. I don't want to mourn the person I was. rather the person I wasn’t. 

  I want to mourn the patient that didn't live a sorry life. that didn't regret anything, because there was nothing to regret. I thought I had a guiltless conscience. but I am guiltier than a man caught with her body in his arms and the smoking pistol in his hand. 

 if I had any song left in me, I’d sing. I'd herald my departure, just as my frantic screams heralded my arrival. but I'm afraid I can’t. the white has washed all the life out of me. the lights boring into me so deep that there is no music left. just the metronome, my heart, the beeping. all day, all through the night. reminding me that I have not yet escaped. 

and even when I do, who will cry? they might as well smile for all the good I've done them. they will gather round, they will laugh at the soggy mess of a human I've become in death. they will never know how it felt to be such a restless mass of self loathing. I'm just special that way. 

the wind brushes my cheek as I step onto the street. I am called out of my hiding place by the lure of the night air, I want to feel alive. I wonder how you’ve been, how you are now. sleeping in peace as I rage against my bitter mind. I want to tell you everything, how I'm doing, how I am now. I wonder if you would have thought of me if we had met. I wonder if a trace of me would still linger, at least in your dreams. 

the sidewalk is cool under my feet. I wander without thinking, my body taking me where it wants to go. the harsh lights of the store are blinding, too blinding. I don't want to hide there tonight. I turn around, your house comes into view. I want to wander through the halls, see the world through your eyes. how would you have seen this night, this drugstore, how would you have seen me? I wish I could have the answer. 

I finally slow down. the sidewalk is freezing now. my comfort has worn off, even thinking of you can't help me now. i realise how insignificant I am, washed out under the streetlight. I wonder if you ever felt this small, this alone. 

I finally know how it feels to be a stranger. stuck in my silly little head while the world turns away. I'm a stranger to my friends, a stranger to my family. they keep moving, like a cartoon reel while I am fixed in place. I'm not saying the world revolves around me. it’s quite the opposite. I am being taken from person to person, revolving around the people I love that keep changing every day and leaving me behind. everyone morphs and grows, discovering things about themselves and planning their lives. I am left in a puddle of despair provided by my subconscious. what do I want to be? where do I want to go? who do I love? I'm so uncertain. 

wandering down the sidewalk, I feel a bit jealous. it’s unfair that I'm the only one who wants to go back to simpler days where my biggest fear was the monster under my bed. the cheap neon signs wash my face in red as I walk. I'm about to give up on musing when I see you. we talk, the usual ‘how have you been,’ ‘how’s the band.’ i can tell you feel as abandoned as I do. it’s funny how we crashed and burned because of our differences. but in this moment under the washed out stars, we have never been more alike. i smile bitterly, remembering how I cared for you, and how I used to feel like I was put on this planet for a reason. now I feel like I'm just here to be alone. 

the helicopters chorus over my head. I lie awake, staring at the ceiling. perhaps an answer lies in the shadows above me. no such thing appears. I think about you. how lonely you are. you’d never admit it, but I can tell. the streetlights filter through my window. if not for the drink, I wouldn't be sleeping at all tonight.