the end.
over. and over. and over, again. the rhythmic beeps drill into my skull. drill into my bones. driving their rhythm of my beating heart back into me. over. and over. and over, again.ย
the fluorescent lights scream over my face. each beam a reminder of who I was. of who I lost. of who will never come to say goodbye. I want to scream with the light. I don't want to mourn the person I was. rather the person I wasnโt.ย
ย I want to mourn the patient that didn't live a sorry life. that didn't regret anything, because there was nothing to regret. I thought I had a guiltless conscience. but I am guiltier than a man caught with her body in his arms and the smoking pistol in his hand.ย
ย if I had any song left in me, Iโd sing.ย I'd herald my departure, just as my frantic screams heralded my arrival. but I'm afraid I canโt. the white has washed all the life out of me. the lights boring into me so deep that there is no music left. just the metronome, my heart, the beeping. all day, all through the night. reminding me that I have not yet escaped.ย
and even when I do, who will cry? they might as well smile for all the goodย I've done them. they will gather round, they will laugh at the soggy mess of a human I've become in death. they willย never know how it felt to be such a restless mass of self loathing.ย I'm just special that way.ย
ย and when my time comes, the angels of anguish will weep their slick tears. the demons will beat their drums and the ghostly guitars will wail as I make my descent. the only ones that want me are the ones who will make me pay. but for all the troubleย I've caused, I just might deserve it.ย











