chaos and mayhem

Endless Discontent (Jerejean - 11.5k)

I have two groups of friends friends without kids and friends with kids. My friends with kids are literally having kids right now ie they have babies and lives and everything feels very heavy with them sometimes. I have a kid now, a wonderful amazing baby girl who is 5 months old. I breastfeed her so I can't go more than 2-3 hours away from her, and i just have this instinctual need to be close to her and with her. She is so sweet and is so go with the flow but motherhood is really difficult right now. The muscle pain, severe lack of sleep, isolation etc. Even when my baby sleeps i can't. I have anxiety or just want some peace and quiet where no one wants anything from me. I get up 1 or 2 times a night to feed her and sp multiple times a day I'm getting woken up by screaming every single day. My milk is made from my blood and if I don't eat properly I feel like all my nutrients are being sucked out of me and it's just another thing I have to do is feed myself and feed myself well. I'm so exhausted to being with and also I feel so ooooo isolated from my friends. I have friends that have reached out but I have no energy to be a person and no ability to be there for others. Its so complicated and I feel so alone socially and like I have no place to be vulnerable. My friends without kids literally don't understand how difficult it is and it's their right like how would they know but I asked my friend to come visit me 45 min bus ride away and she basically said it would be a waste of a night even though I spent years traveling 45 minutes on public transport to hang out with her. I feel like I've tried so hard to accommodate my friends and be there for them and they won't do the same for me and I've tried talking to this friend about it and even basically begged for her to be there for me when I was pregnant and was basically told it's just the way she is and so when I can't put in basically all the effort we're not close at all because I guess im not worth putting the effort in for. I'm simplifying it and im sure if you asked any of my friends they would have a laundry list of ways im not a good friend and times they've reached out and I've rejected them and I can think myself into.the ground around all these dynamics and things I've missed and ways I could have been a better friend but I guess I just want to be loved and taken care of by my friends even when i have nothing to offer. I want to be valued even when I don't want anyone to hold my baby bc everyone kisses her and I'm the one that's up with her at 2am when shes sick. I'm exhausted with being forgotten by my stoner friends who are avoidant and im just tired of not being as valued as I value my friends. I hate being easily forgotten and I hate that no one has fought for my friendship. The void lives on I need to let it go.

np tagging: @poetic-ivy @perfectly-fuckingcivil @justadreamfox @millportisntreal