This is me.

I would also like to go on a small rant about other things. So tonight I brought up the fact that I stayed up last night researching a church that is right for me and my friends all laughed. They thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

I really had something on my mind that I wanted to get out there and Tumblr is the only place I feel safe. So here it goes. 

I battled with depression from the beginning of high school until summer of 2015. I say battled because, at this point of my life, I went from thinking about suicide and self-harm every single day of my life to just living life how I want to. Let’s start at the beginning..

In 2011, I started a guy. A guy that I went from being best friends with to dating within about 6 months. Everything was going great because, how can you go wrong with dating a guy you were best friends with and told everything to and he STILL wanted to be with you?? Anyways.. a couple months go by and he finds out that I did some “shady” shit the fourth of July in 2011. This would only be the start of 2 and a half years worth of arguments. Throughout this time, we would fight almost weekly about things that were unimportant or things that HE didn’t think were right. That became breaking up every weekend because we couldn’t possibly stand to be with each other for another second and then getting back together Monday morning or Sunday night. It was clear this was an unhealthy relationship that needed to end before it even began. This is where my depression began.

With the constant break ups and fights and put downs from my “boyfriend”, I began to feel the negative effects of life. I began to feel like my existance was just a burden to everyone in my life. I started feeling like the world HAD to be a better place without me in it. This is where the suicidal thoughts began. During this time, I started self-harming to get the feelings I was feeling out of me emotionally by putting them on me physically. Doing this made me have to wear long sleeve shirts or sweatshirts in the summer or hold my hands straight to my sides when I wore a short sleeved shirt. This began the conversations of why I was wearing a long sleeve shirt when it was 90 degrees outside. This began the self-conscious self I would become within a short amount of time. 

Over Christmas break during 2013/2014, I drove to a town close by to visit a friend. Mind you, I had drank over 8 glasses of wine and had packed a water bottle of wine to drink on the way. The boyfriend mentioned earlier had broke up with me for the weekend so I decided I would do what I wanted and not worry about him. So I turned to drinking. Little did I know, this would be the first night I really considered suicide. So, I go to my friends house, get completely wasted on accident and get overly upset at something they said and I get in my car to leave. Before I start it, I start bawling hysterically and can’t start my car. This is when I decided that that night was my last night. I drive onto the highway and decide to call one of my best friends to speak to her for the last time. I told her my plan and she couldn’t stop crying. During the time I was talking to her, I decided to change my mind and go home and sleep it off and hopefully be better in the morning... And that was the first time..

There were many times after that that suicide had always crossed my mind. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about how life would be better if I just simply wasn’t here.  December 30, 2014 was the night that I honestly decided I wasn’t worth anything. The previously mentioned boyfriend had just moved back to Kansas from Texas. We decided that, since his aunt and uncle were gone (which was who he was living with) we would play a couple rounds of beer pong and drink a few beers and then head off to bed.  During our rounds of beer pong, I mouthed off and said something about the fact that he cheated on me with his EX GIRLFRIEND in VEGAS when he told me that I couldn’t go because he didn’t have tickets for me but he and his family GOT TICKETS FOR HER TO EVERYTHING THEY WENT TO. This did not set well with him. We got into a huge argument about it that turned physical. Not only on his side, but mine too. I honestly don’t blame him for putting his hands on me because I did the same to him. We fought for about 2 hours and I decided enough was enough when he pushed me out of the front door and I lost my balance and fell off the concrete porch. I decided to go to bed after that.

The next day, I went to work and had called my mom before I went in and completely lost it about the events that happened the night before. Her and my aunt ended up coming to my work and waiting for me to get off work so I could go back to my apartment with them and they would talk me out of seeing him again and that I had to break up with him. Which I did, that night.

A few months later, I start dating another guy that I met at the juco I attended. I knew he was a bad idea from the beginning and that’s what interested me about him. I knew him because he was selling drugs out of my best friends roommates apartment. We ended up staying the night together ()didn’t do anything sexual, calm down) and then basically just moving in together after that. After the semester was over, he moved with me back to my hometown to live with my mom and I. One day, we went back to our college town to get alcohol because we didn’t know anyone of age at my hometown. We got back into town after smashing 3 beers each on the way home, we made mixed drinks. This is where the night went to shit. We ended up getting into a huge fight that would result in me throwing all his clothes out of my closet and dresser, telling him to leave and running away from my house to ex boyfriend #1. He ended up moving the next day back to the next state over. This began my second round of suicide attempts. I told my mom the only thing that she could do to help me was to buy me a gun so I wouldn’t have to suffer that bad when I took myself to God himself. 

10 days after exboyfriend #2 moved out, I wrecked my car into a house down the street. This changed my life completely for the better. That night, I went to jail and stayed there until 6pm the next day until my mom bailed me out. After that, my mom took me straight to the ER to get a drug and alcohol evaluation and 6 hours after that, I was on my way to a mental health facility for adults who are battling depression and suicidal thoughts. I stayed there for four days and then came back home and went to outpatient treatment for being an alcoholic. I spend four months in that program going twice a week for three hours a night. Suicidal thought ran through my mind every single day at this point as well, going in and out of jail and battling court cases from this DUI. 

Long story short, I went from being a girl who was constantly in trouble, battling with depression and suicidal thoughts and self-harm to a girl who wakes up every morning confident that she can get the day handled. I haven’t thought about suicide or self harm for almost a year now and I have NEVER felt better about my life. Sure, I go out on the weekends and make mistakes that I wish I could go back and redo or mistakes that I straight up regret. The only difference now is that 1) I can handle what I drink and 2) I have made a conscious decision to be confident and happy with my life, even when things don’t go how I want them to. I have strengthened my relationship with God and fully believe that he excepts me for all my flaws and mistakes. I went from someone who struggled to get through the day alive to a girl who can’t wait to start the next day, week, month or year and see myself doing great things with life and not ending it early because things don’t go how I want them to. 

I completely believe that depression is a sickness and the people, men and women, boys and girls who suffer from it, need to make that CONSCIOUS decision to make the best out of the life they have been given whether they are blessed with great opportunities or given complete shit. It is up to YOU to make everyday the best day you can and I am so glad that I have realized that over the years. Every day that I wake up, I am blessed that God gave me another day to realize the good I have in my life and let the negative things go. I hear things every other day that people have said about me and I just let that slide off my shoulders because MY LIFE is going EXACTLY the way i want it to and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Wake up everyday with a smile on your face because everyday is a new day to make something better of yourself. Don’t waste your days alive wondering what you could do to make it better. Wake up and MAKE YOUR LIFE WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE. Forget the haters, love yourself and more importantly, love God and His plan for you. Everything will eventually fall into place but, for now, do what makes YOU happy and listen to God and wait on His plan for you.