HELP, I'M TRAPPED IN YOUR COMPUTER

A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of “skeleton people”—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.

“This is an incredible find,” said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. “Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons.”

Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt, and they have sauces other than malt vinegar and brown!” Rowe said to growing throngs of uniformed secondary schoolers, who oohed and aahed at his descriptions of “leafy vegetables” and of sausages that had texture and were not made of coagulated blood.

Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said, explaining that the table didn’t always have to seat 12 people as there were two leaves that could expand its capacity to 18.