I’m beginning to realize my ex has given me PTSD especially with sex. He’s actually the main reason I went into FSSW because I felt like well if I was already having sex with him (manipulatively) why not at least get paid for it.
During this lockdown I’m really going to try and heal from this, there’s a lot of memories I’ve forgotten that happened between us. I’m going to do my best and journal every single day. The therapist I want to go to is booked out 12 months + in advance. She deals with sexual trauma, ptsd, codependency.
I was reading an article by a psychologist that said most sexual PTSD comes from long term committed relationships. I also had no clue sexual abuse/PTSD some common things are dissociation, depression, asexuality, hyper sexuality and hypo sexuality. Well I suffer from all excluding hypo.
I truly thought the only thing I offered men was sex and that’s all they saw me for. With my ex he demanded sex constantly.. I did state my boundaries like no I’m tired. He would whine for hours and hours... it would get to the point he would be so pissed off he’d start angrily jacking off next to me while watching porn THEN try to grab a part of my body. This was a constant struggle.. so it turned into me getting rid of my boundaries because it took me 10-15 minutes of sex with him compared to the hours of fucking whining or manipulation. This one time I had the flu... I could barely move was so sick. He comes into bed and starts touching me. I tell him to stop and he keeps doing it. He then gets on top of me and starts fucking me. I laid there as if I was dead. Literally did not move. He could have cared less.. he finally got the memo was too late in I didn’t moan, move, nothing you would have thought I was dead. There’s a lot more memories.. some part of me feels like I’ll never be in a true relationship because this is what all men are like... they take and take and take. I have no clue how I’m going to heal this but I think journaling everyday is a good start I have 8 years of memories I have to unpack with him.
