devin

half avoidant on my father's side

and half anxious on my mother’s side

you have to understand. There are several things wrong with me

women in GLAM (Galleries, Libraries, Archives and Museums)

lesbian heated rivalry wouldn’t be in hockey because there are already many out queer women in hockey due to the fact that hockey is viewed as a men’s sport. the whole reason hockey is captivating for mlm is because it is a toxically masculine sport and the idea of having out queer men in that sport is surprising (requiring them to stay closeted/have situationships/etc), whereas it is not nearly as surprising for queer women. therefore, lesbian heated rivalry would actually occur in a setting like ballet, gymnastics, or some other stereotypically feminine sport (that has toxic feminine standards) where queer women are not as visible. in this essay i will

idk about you but i’m a sucker for the we just had sex and it’s the morning after and i woke up to an empty bed and how could i be so stupid of course you left me alone but wait you’re in my kitchen cooking me breakfast and i’m so relieved trope

heated rivalry the book is like oh the major obstacle to this romance is that they can't be together in public <3. heated rivalry the show is like oh the major obstacle to this romance is toxic hypermasculinity and male loneliness and the devastating downstream effects of unacknowledged, unresolved trauma and verbal abuse on boys who are expected not to feel

the strain in ilya's voice, the rigid disbelief in his face when shane gets up and leave. the slanted smile with no humour or mockery. he sees this all coming apart right in front of him and he can't even do anything about it cause he established this as no strings, no commitment. and what, he's gonna suddenly show that part of himself? when shane is already halfway gone, he's going to bare his neck and let shane finish this slow killing? he pushed it, too far. he pushed shane. he lost hold of this. he lost shane. he calls him hollander. see, nothing's changed. we can go back to before, it's fine, i swear it's fine, please please please

still stuck on ilya immediately falling back into calling him hollander again, and more than once, to try to undo what just happened between them so shane would stop panicking and stay…he just wanted him to stay.

the scene in ilya’s apartment is actually so fucking unbearably tender and so fucking heartbreaking. shane’s little kisses all over ilya’s face. the way ilya grits out, “shane,” like it’s ecstasy, like it fucking hurts. the way shane can’t help but respond. CALL AND RESPONSE. and we get one single moment of perfect happiness, smiling into each other’s mouths, and ilya is so fucking happy, we’ve never seen him this genuinely content before. and then we watch his heart snap into pieces in real time when shane freaks out. and then. ilya’s fucking yearning puppy dog eyes, the pleading, the GRIEF, the way he holds out his hand for shane and for the first time shane doesn’t take it. do you think ilya has EVER begged someone to stay, much less the way he’s begging shane with that fucking hand? NO. everyone leaves and ilya could be okay with it before but not now, not like this, and shane just leaves him. a fucking gunshot wound straight to the head thank you. no one has actually felt grief and heartache like ilya fucking rozanov

saw that new Frankenstein movie on Netflix and yeah there's really something about parents "creating" and abusing their kids and then blaming said abused kids for being "monsters" when these kids grow up to be adults with trauma and issues, when all these people with childhood trauma ever wanted was love and gentleness from the people who made them, but all they got was fear and pain, and now they really have to live the rest of their lives with the pain and the fear their own parents inflicted on them (and if they ever express anger in any way, shape or form, they are deemed violent monsters)