Scatteredumbass

I love my God, but I hate my religion.

My God stands right and within me, while my religion has been used against me.

My God taught me to love and forgive, while my religion waging war and hatred upon me.

I love my God of how He softly spoken upon me and embrace my flaw as a human, while my religion demand perfection and virtuous upon me.

I love my God because He indiscriminately love and embrace all mankind in spite of the gender or color, while my religion placed me at the second one.

My God would let me baffled and questioning Him, while my religion would frantically try to silence my mind.

I love my God and I will always love Him because I know He would be gentle and love me unconditionally, while my religion enforce me a long terms and conditions for me in order to be worthy of love.

I love my God, but I feel worst to love my God without loving my religion as I love my God. Although, I know my God would let me, while my religion would curse me.

I love my God, but..

Can I just stop here? Because I don't have any reason anymore to confess my love to Him.

December 2nd, 2023.

-scatteredumbass

Patriarki adalah ketika saudara laki laki mu melakukan pekerjaan rumah kecil dan seakan akan ia baru saja menyelamatkan dunia.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, membersihkan dan menghidupi seisi rumah maka itu adalah biasa.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, harus selalu bahagia. Tersenyum tanpa cela, sempurna dan menyenangkan mata setiap yang melihatnya.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, menjadi warga negara kelas dua. Perkara sekolah pun kamu harus menunggu saudara laki laki mu. Buat apa toh, kamu perempuan, tidak perlu repot-repot bercita-cita.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, harus selalu memilih keluarga, disaat kamu sendiri bahkam tidak tahu keluarga itu apa.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, harus selalu menjaga. Seakan akan perkara bisa atau tidak bisa menjaga diri adalah mutlak salah perempuan seutuhnya. Seakan akan ketika perempuan gagal menjaga dirinya dan cela itu menjadi dosa dan cacat seumur hidupnya.

Patriarki adalah ketika umur dua puluh lima adalah batas akhir hidup mu, perempuan. Sebab sudah saatnya kamu menyerahkan jiwa dan raga kepada siapa siapa yang dinilai pantas untuk menerima.

Patriarki adalah ketika basa basi di tengah ketupat dan opor itu tidak akan pernah jauh dari perkara estetika. "Kok gendutan ya?" Begitu salam pembukanya.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, hanya punya dua definisi diri. Wanita karir atau ibu rumah tangga.

Patriarki adalah ketika kamu, perempuan, suka bersolek dianggap dangkal. Tidak bersolek diangggap tidak bisa menjaga estetika.

Patariarki adalah ketika cita citamu yang ingin kuliah di belahan dunia sana itu hanya disambut dengan celetukan dangkal. "Nanti pulang bawa suami bule ya". Ah, susah susah menyusun rencana dan bekerja pun yang diminta untuk dibawa pulang bukanlah ilmu dan gelar sarjana.

Patriarki adalah ketika tulisan ini tidak akan pernah bisa diselesaikan karena ada pengalaman tiap tiap perempuan yang hanya sanggup disimpan baik baik di dalam dirinya.

5 Oktober 2023

It's actually my second day of me re-taking my medicine from zero. Last night and this morning I feel nauseous, as if somebody punch down my stomach.

I have another medicine beside Depram, it is Depakote for my mood. It also gives me a very uncomfortable queasy feeling.

It's been almost a week since the last time I wrote. I had a good time last weekend, I have a concert date for 3 days straight. I feel dreadfully tired afterwards, but the it was worth it afterall.

I haven't drink my medicine since I don't know, I think it's been more than 2 weeks. Although, I had an online consultation lasy week, and the doctor gave me another prescription to stabilize my mood. I'll try to find and purchase it this weekend, I suppose.

I finally have a consultation with a psychiatrist today, and she gives me a prescription. Also, I think it's way more on budget than having an offline consultation in hospital. It's good to know that I could save more because of this.

She gives me 2 medication, beside my usual, she gives a medication for mood stabilizer. I tell her that I often feel terribly angry because I used to (still actually) push down my emotion, especially angry. I'm just tired of living.

It's been 2 months since the last time I did yoga. My lowerback feel numb and sore. I don't knownl if I'm going to survive this weekend concert or not.

I am tired, and I'm going to have a consultation with psychiatrist through telemedicine tomorrow. I set my reminder, hopefully I'm aware of it.

I have annual evaluation today. It's relieving to know I'm better than last year. Although, the aftermath is I'm just mentally tired and all those conversation make me dizzy.

Despite I'm currently taking anti-depressant, the fact that today's feedback is quite objective and just proportional, meaning my effort in seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication (almost) regularly is fruitful.

I haven't take my medication since I don't know, although I still have one left. Surely this damn depression still creeping me out every minute.

I am at the edge of anger and madness, I am afraid I could blown up in any minute. I couldn't control my temper, it is hard.

The aftermath of yesterday's workout is terrible. I couldn't move ny body comfortably without groaning painfully.

I barely move from my brother's bedroom, since I don't have to climb in here.

Leg day is taunting me, I feel wobbly afterwards. The good thing is, I have my favorite coffee today right after morning work out. It l's a simple happiness for me.

I am feeling okay right after I'm arrive, until today's evening and night the sore start to come. It' terrible especially I have to climb up to sleep in my own room.

I feel triggered because of I stumbled upon an instagram post about female genital mutilation, because I had one.

The suicidal thought is haunting me back.

I finally got my ear pierced! A wishlist for 2022 checked. I have been gathered my courage since forever.

I have a quite pleasant day today. My work's going just fine. My boyfriend get accepted in a new company and I'm happy and proud of him, I have ny wishlisht checked and get a piercing and it's pretty cute. Although, I don't what's gonna happen tomorrow and how my parent will respond.

Probably there will be another fight, but well. I am mentally preparing myself for this, let's see how things will be going. My sanity already eroded anyway.

I feel anxious since yesterday. I skipped my medicine yesterday since it was too late to drink it on schedule. So, I just restart it today.

I am still feeling constantly mad. I am paying a high price to just live.

I just receive my salary, pretty much effective to boost my a low and constantly furious mood. It was surprsing afterall.

I am not doing any workout today and I skip my regular medication. I still feel mad and constantly angry mood I think I'll just go straight into bed after this. After all sleep is my coping mechanism.

My head feels dizzy, I am doing a fasting today and I didn't eat properly this morning. I lay around for a quite sometime until I accidentally fall asleep. Thankfully no one was really looking for me at that time.

I spend my night by reflecting on meditation by Marcus Aurelius, and of course translating snd googling the words. It is a classic book after all.

I feel a bit productive today, doing my TOEFL exercise, finally getting back on the track slowly. It is hard to get back on track when you're constantly feel lost and empty.

I am doing a workout today, have a good cup of my favorite coffee and spring rolls, watching movies in a considerable amount. Since it is usually hard for me not to binge-watching all day, so today was pretty content for me. I've got to do many things.