If you haven’t already read the paper, ‘The Hidden Suffering of Psychopaths,’ I highly recommend you do. There is this Case Vignette in it, and it’s basically my own thoughts and feelings in paper. It perfectly describes what I cannot.
“I am living in a parallel world, which has only a very thin and fallow connection to the outside world. I am watching how life is taking place, and I observe every single thing. It is like I am behind an endless and inescapable glass wall that allows me to see and be seen by others. It is as if I am superficially acknowledged by others, “the living,” while I am never really take part in their lives. I exist. Sure. But I am not quite with them, although there are very rare exceptions.”
“Even the way I explain my ideas to others is alien. It’s like I am trying to translate my ideas into a language that others will be able to understand. I need to tune in mentally in a very precise way otherwise the real meaning of the message is lost. The effort I am making to communicate is apparent, like instructing very complicated details of a mission to an astronaut on Jupiter by radio transmission.”
“I am forced to cope with all that social and sentimental madness, nonsense, and crap around me. I feel like someone who has remained deprived from influences and images from the civilized world is dropped in a ‘Disney World.’ The social games that are played by those ordinary people are experienced by me with growing amazement. Since I discovered more details and dynamics that are involved in these games it becomes even more mysterious for me what happens between them. I discovered that most normal people feign feelings and intentions and I see them laugh along spuriously when others in the group laugh and they remain stuck in several social-emotional rituals.”
“My empathy and emotions were frozen in my youth as a result of all sorts of aversive experiences: tensions between my parent and lack of safety at home, a lack of social contacts and associated social-emotional exercises and feedback. Episodically, I suffered from social seclusion and loneliness, my incapacity to fit in and the awareness that the distance between me and others, which was unbridgeable became even worse. I realized that I was and would remain a stranger no matter what my attempts would be to socialize. It was sometimes simply unbearable to keep on feeling these dark emotions that were evoked by this constant stream of negative experiences.
And at some point, perhaps as a consequence of being overcharged, my emotional fuse broke down and it turned to be cold inside. I remember that I was 8 or 9 when I became suddenly aware of the fact that I was forever changed. It was a sunny day and as I walked to school, a boy from my class crossed the street and made attempted to start a friendly conversation. I was immediately emotional blocked and unable to respond to him and the only thing I wanted was that he went away. He soon realized that I was unreachable and ran away. He never spoke to me again and he was somehow afraid of me. From that moment on I was emotional frozen.
Growing older, I use compensation techniques in order to fill up the gap that is caused by my lack of emotional, moral capacities, and other socially undesirable traits. Because I am always aware that in a world that is alien to me it is necessary for me to adapt myself to it at least at a minimum. Only in this way can I avoid major problems all the time and I can hide my real nature.
As a consequence, I must organize my life and the world around me in a very efficient manner. I must be constantly aware what the moral mores are of the majority of the people around in general and in special settings. This is difficult to explore with my prosthetic moral compass. And there is also the awareness of what is expected from me—what I should feel and the sentiments I should show in various circumstance. This is very energy consuming, indeed.”
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