woke up like this

I have a wonderful daughter, a man who cares very much for me, wonderful friends, and a bright future in the career of my choice. What do you have going for you, Scarlett? … Cheerleading? Still? Some of us have grown up and moved on from high school. Seems you’re still stuck.

Stuck, huh? Is that what you’d say to Andrew who works right alongside me? Does he know that all you think of him is as someone who’s “stuck” in the past, working as the football coach? Ouch, Cora. Super harsh, especially given he could’ve done so much more had you not shouldered him with the responsibility of a kid that might not even be his -- rumor has it you were as big of a slut back then as you are now. Does he know that?

If people mistook me as an understudy, that would be a great compliment. That would mean I’d be doing great things with my life and slowly climbing the ladder to fame and success. Not that I’m interested in that life, but a compliment nonetheless. Besides that, Nikki Blonsky is a beautiful young woman and I’d be honored to be in even the same town as her. Nevermind playing a part that she’s already done amazingly.

As for my body – I think after five years, I’ve done quite well for myself. I mean, my baby daddy – among others – is still interested in screwing me, so I’ve got that going for me, don’t I?

Of all the things you could have going for you -- like a prospering career, a shot at genuinely enjoying your 20s to the fullest, a loving relationship with someone who didn’t cheat on you, or a stomach that isn’t so upset -- sure, we could say that at the very, very least you have the fact that someone wants to spend some time in between your legs. 

And here is where one of my mother’s lessons come into play. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

He’s going to do great in life, his name in lights in the future, fangirls fawning over him, crowds cheering his name. What are your future goals, Scarlett?

Who’s to say being realistic isn’t being nice? Better to let the boy know now than to let him fantasize about something that he may very well never achieve. Setting realistic goals that he can actually achieve is the key to success, so he doesn’t end up disappointed and bitter because you filled his head with fantasies. 

You know, now that you mention it, maybe I could use some help -- perhaps I can ask Andrew. He’s always been so insightful and super helpful. I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. In fact, I could ask him over our lunch tomorrow. 

↳ INSTAGRAM: scarpuckerman uploaded a new photo:

stop dming me your dick pics unless you have a six-figure salary. 

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✐ 13 COMMENTS

What would be the point of buying them if they were going to be having their final swim down my toilet bowl within a week? Angelfish live for ten years.

And you’d want to commit to something for that long why? I can hardly even commit to a pair of heels for longer than a week before I have to get myself a new pair. 

DANIEL: They did that in eighth grade, I doubt they'd want to repeat themselves. They'd probably make you do it and I know you can't be bothered. Besides, what's the worst she can do? Expel me? Then she'll have to deal with me even more.

DANIEL: Aw, did you get that idea from personal experience? /So/ proud to call you my sister, really. You can tell all the bastards that leave your apartment how much faith you have in me.

SCARLETT: That's probably the smartest thing you've said so far - who would want to deal with you any longer than they have to?

Everytime We Touch by Cascada. If I have to hear that song one more time, I’m going to blow my fucking brains out. 

Rather presumptuous of you to believe I’d let whoever I’m dating within five-feet of my parents. Plus, I don’t date, so it’s not something I have to worry about. 

DANIEL: she birthed you too, unfortunately. The least you could do is be kind.

DANIEL: I got caught by /you/. You’re hardly intimidating when you still sleep with a stuffed toy.

DANIEL: aw, sucks to be you, huh? cry about it.

SCARLETT: Like you're one to talk about "being kind." Being kind to her would be putting even half of an effort into not getting caught doing dumb shit so she and Dad don't have to give you this lecture about how big of a disappointment you are.

Are you coming the fuck over or not, bitch?

Your pants better be off by the time I get there, asshole. 

DANIEL: what are you, my mother?

DANIEL: I’ve been doing it for months. Haven’t been caught yet.

DANIEL: the fuckers don’t give a shit.

SCARLETT: Gross, never compare me to her again, you little shit.

SCARLETT: You got caught in the first week. If anything, I'm doing you a /favor/.

SCARLETT: Hey, fucker.

SCARLETT: Be smart when you try to skip class to smoke on campus.