goner

I did. Twice now.

But I was kidding both times.

Were you really, though?

Pretty sure I knew when I said it about you.

Lady lovin’s the best thing there is.

Who said I was a stereotype?

Your lack of description is boring. And I’m absolutely sure. Boys have never appealed. And they never will… Changing my mind isn’t happening.

Trust me. You’ll know when someone is actually trying to be edgy. They’ll be a walking stereotype. Hey, fair enough. I’m pretty into lady lovin’ myself. I can totally see the appeal.

What would trying a lot harder look like? I don’t spend my time on loverboys. It’s too valuable for that, and besides, boys have never been my thing.

Like I was actually trying. You sure about the “no boys” rule, though? ‘Cause I can guarantee that I can show you a great time. 

Well, good for you. Sounds like you’ve got just the right threshold for how edgy you’re trying to be. 1.75 liters of Bombay Sapphire is a perfectly fine limit for me though… No edge to this girl. Just pathetically drinking alone.

Oh honey, if I was trying to be edgy I’d try a lot harder. That’s just a typical weekend for me. What, no loverboy to drink with and inevitably end up in bed with by the end of the night?

Freedom of speech doesn’t necessarily mean freedom from consequence, and you, you little shit, are getting closer and closer to having your ass sent to detention every day up until you eventually drop out or flunk out, so watch the way you speak to her, Danny. Better yet, I could easily call up a favor from your sister and have her deal with you because we both know how much you’d love that. So, back off. Go find someone else to annoy with your teen angst bullshit. 

I’m pretty sure that you can’t send me to detention just for talking shit on the internet. Besides, it’s the internet. What I said isn’t nearly as bad as what others could say. Oh, look at you. Threatening me with my sister. What’re you gonna do next? Tell my mom like you’re six? How about you just get a life and butt out of my business. 

I really don’t like you and I think you should refrain from communicating with me at all costs.

How is that easy? I’m not really an “f**k off” kind of person.

Become one. It makes life a hell of a lot easier. Seriously. Just type out “fuck off”, hit send, and block. Simple. 

If I drank too much more than I did, I might. I had an entire bottle of gin.

...What’s your point? I drink a bottle of whiskey and half a bottle of vodka like, at least every weekend. 

But I’ve already told her no in all the ways I can think of. I’m not sure what else I can possibly say besides no. Just no no no.

Literally just leave a simple “fuck off” message then block her number. Easy.

There’s a fine line between enough to develop a tolerance and alcohol poisoning. Not sure I want to end up in the hospital just because people think I’m too much of a lightweight.

You’re not gonna get alcohol poisoning unless you drink yourself beyond stupid every night. 

Dan’s headcanons !

Guess who’s swearing off sushi restaurants for the foreseeable future? This gal. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. Thank god Andrew took Ana today, because I don’t think I’d be able to mother right now.

Oh boo hoo. So what, you ate a few bad California rolls and now you’re gonna ruin it for yourself? Huh. And I always thought that being a mother came before everything else. 

Ugh my head! It’s like 100 little Oompa Loompas dancing on my brain, scream-singing one of their cautionary tale songs, only this one’s not about chocolate rivers or blueberry girls - it’s about me and how I can’t hold my liquor anymore.

Or, maybe, you just don’t drink enough. You develop a tolerance by doing something frequently. The solution? Drink more.

Not sure why my mother’s suddenly on a “move in with me” kick, but I don’t know how many different ways I can say no before she’ll get the hint. Not even a hint… It’s a direct no. And I really do mean it.

Just tell her to fuck off. You’re a big girl, put on a pull-up and stand up for yourself.