Sazz

you had been dating the Bucky Barnes for a while now, these insecurities and worries weren’t unfamiliar to either of you. It came with him and that was okay. Until it became more than insecurities, those haunting thoughts became prominent fears in his life. 

He thinks it became a fear when he was fighting with the Avengers and they lost because Tony needed to protect his wife in a fight. See, he knows it sounds strange. Of course you save your wife. But the catch was that she didn’t need the help, Tony just wanted to ensure that Pepper would be there at the end of the night. 

Then another time, Natasha went on a date with someone. He’d asked about how it went but she stayed silent. He heard from Steve they got injured just because someone went on a date with the Black Widow. 

How could he ever forgive himself if he lost you? He couldn’t be so selfish, after all he didn’t deserve you to begin with. Or so he thought. 

Your first real fight was him raising his voice and there you stood, so calmly. It frustrated him even more. What he didn’t know is that you had enough faith in him, in you two. To get past this. Which you did for a while. 

Until one night he said something that made your stomach drop. 

‘’I don't think this will work out.’’ 

You wanted to argue back, convince him that it would work out but you’d been having doubts too. 

Maybe he didn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and why would you want to be the cause of his biggest fears. Even his nightmares seemed to come back after it went so well. You felt like you were the person he’d dream about and couldn’t possibly imagine how much it must have terrified him. 

A stronger person, one with abilities would take those fears away wouldn’t they? Like if they could protect themselves, handle themselves. Not someone as meek as you. 

So you both agreed to part ways, hiding the fact you both were doing this for each other and not yourselves. 

4 months later.

You hadn’t spoken much, maybe to bring back items that were at each other's places. You felt like someone had poisoned your heart with every bad feeling you’d ever felt in your life. 

Your friends got in touch with you here and now but you turned down wherever they wanted to take you. It’s been four months damnitt. You felt like this was never going to end.

News about Bucky Barnes traveled around, speculations about why his demeanor had changed to what it once was. Cold,distant and short answered. He didn’t accept interviews, AvengerCons or any other public invitations anymore, it was like he became a ghost. 

He counted the days since he had lost you. All his mind thought about was you,you,you. He felt like a madman, like his mind was taken over by just you. How ironic. You were his savior and captor all at once. 

All that was on your mind was him. How he held you like if he let you go you’d fade out of existence. 

He’d gotten some updates from Steve but not many. Maybe you were okay, moved on with your life. Maybe he made the right choice to leave, so how could it feel so wrong?  

You’d isolated yourself from everyone around you, drowning in your own sorrow like something was missing, constantly. 24/7. 

How could it be that he still aches for every part of you?

He missed the way you smiled at some cheesy joke Rhodes made. Bucky, of course, would instantly know the joke wasn’t funny at all but you were you. You were the person who made everyone and everything feel welcome. You made him feel welcome, wanted even. 

So that dissipated over time, the thoughts that were kept at bay, crashed through the dams. He felt like you were his life guard while he was drowning. Maybe you were each other's saviors after all. But someone better could replace him, someone with less issues, trauma, guilt. The times he had raised his voice at you. 

His way of raising his voice was that his tone was harsher than what it normally was, he made himself sound like the villain he never was. You kept each other up, both drifting together on one boat, towards a future you both so badly craved to have. You wanted Bucky Barnes to be your own, not someone else's

You took a shower in what felt like ages and did your hair. You had to cut it shorter due to the fact that you didn’t maintain it often. It did suit you though, it gave you this edge, you felt like. 

After getting dressed, you took a deep breath. Were you really going to the Avenger Compound to be met with a bunch of stares. Yes. 

Was it completely nerve wrecking? Also yes. 

You knew a lot of people around there since you managed to become the social butterfly of the compound, making sure everyone was okay and well before you went up to your best man.

You shook the thoughts out of your head and went out the door, mentally checking if you had all you needed. 

On your way over you got a call from Steve, his voice sounded urgent but you couldn’t quite make it out due to the loud streets of New York. 

You went into a coffee shop to get some noise reduction and heard him say that Bucky was leaving. 

Leaving? How could he leave the thing he made his life's purpose?

You hung up without a word and began sprinting towards the compound. Well.. this seemed like a good idea until you remembered you didn’t have the stamina of a super soldier or a whatever. 

You propped your hands on your knees and exhaled long deep breaths, laughing to yourself at how ridiculous you must look right now. 

You saw spider-man doing his New-York sweep for ‘’bad guys’’ as he called them and he then quickly spotted you. ‘’Hey! Hey!’’ he called out, along mumbles of your last name, you’re sure he almost accidentally said Barnes as a last name which made you cringe internally.

“Are..are you okay? Do you need help?? Mr. Stark has put like this phone thingy in my suit, i could call him for you if you want!’’ He exclaimed enthusiastically.

‘’No, i just need to get to the compound.’’ You exhaled as if your lungs didn’t want air.

‘’Oh i could take you there! But may i ask why you thought running would be a good idea? it’s like a couple mile-’’ You had looked at Peter with a deadly glare which immediately shut him up.

‘’So how does this..work?’’ You asked, hesitance on your voice. ‘’You just kinda.. hold on.. i guess..’’ He looked at you. You figured under that suit he’d have a dorky smile.

You held on to him and before you knew it, you were launched into the air. “HOLY FUU-’’ Cars honked, trucks drove past and all of the noise from the city was fading to a lower volume and you just laughed looking down. Thinking about how you’d laugh your ass off if Peter would ever take Bucky on one of his swing rides. 

You quickly got to the compound and stood on your own two feet, wobbly at that. Steve saw you two arrive and he steadied you. ‘’If that ride was for nothing i’ll kill Bucky.’’ You exclaimed, swallowing your nerves. 

Steve led you to Bucky and before he could rev the engine, you twisted the keys in his motorcycle the other way. A deadly glare along with a scoff was sent your way until he realized it was you. His features softened and you just raised your eyebrows as if you caught him doing something he wasn’t supposed to. 

Bucky called out your name, as if he thought he was dreaming. At least two months went by without you, your face,your everything. 

‘’Hop off cowboy.’’ You said but he shook his head. Determined to leave the place where he wasn’t wanted. 

‘’Fine.’’ You said, which he looked at you suspiciously. And before he knew it you hopped on to his motorcycle. 

‘’You need a helmet for that.’’ He deadpanned. 

‘’Oh i know.’’ You shot back and had a sweet smile on display. 

He scoffed again when he saw Steve walking towards you both with a helmet in hand. ‘’Keep him safe for me, will you?’’ Steve looked at you with a hint of worry.

‘’Will do Captain, I promise he’ll be back in one piece.’’ 

Steve nodded and you tapped Bucky’s shoulder, you knew he was already done with your antics but you didn’t care. You needed to break through his shell like you’ve done before, so that is what you were going to do.

‘’Fine, we’ll go somewhere to talk or whatever.’’ Disinterest was in his voice but you knew better.

‘’Alrighty Mr. Grump.’’ You said. 

You two reached a place that overlooked a small portion of New York but it was secluded and beautiful nonetheless. 

You two sat down and it was as if nothing had changed. Which in theory, didn’t. You still loved each other as much as one possibly could. 

‘’I think-’’ 

‘’You know-’’ 

‘’You go first’’ Bucky said to which you nervously pulled on the hem of your shirt and cleared your throat. 

‘’I think we made a mistake. I think we belong together, and I know you don’t believe in that type of stuff. Like how we make our own destiny but.. I think you are my destiny, Bucky Barnes.’’ 

Bucky let out a shaky breath, one he would take to muster up the strength to not break into tears in front of you. But when he heard you whisper a quiet ‘’It’s okay’’ he let the tears fall. He felt your tender touch wipe at his tears, belonging and the feeling you get when something is ‘just right’ flooded his entire being. 

‘’Marry me.’’ He said. Something you would have never once in any scenario have expected. His lips were close to yours, his breath fanning over your lips as you closed your eyes. 

‘’Only if you make it last forever.’’ You whispered, trying not to break into tears too. 

‘’Till death do us part.’’ He said, which you repeated. 

The strength of your own had been overpowered by the just turned super soldier. His cells were regenerating and evolving to something completely deadly. Before you could grab the gun that fell out of Bucky’s holster from the punch John delivered on him. It was gone in a second which was followed by a gunshot echoing through the building. Panic seeped in through every nerve of your body.

Looking around you with a panicked blur you saw the faces of horror on your two teammates. Drip, drip, drip. Blood pooled onto your boots from your stomach. The pain registering to your brain now, falling to your knees, one hand to the ground to lessen the damage of the fall to the ground.

Bucky Barnes was your boyfriend, now carrying the look of something he wished you never ever had to see. Look of anger, rage. Boiling hot rage. Coordinated punches were left on John Walker. Bucky’s body felt like it was on fire, rational thoughts, rules. Oh those stupid rules.. long forgotten. It wasn’t until he heard your wheeze in his ear that he stopped and looked back at an unconscious man. Your other team partner Sam Wilson, had already put pressure on the wound and Bucky stalked on over to you. His eyes prickled with tears, his lip trembling just slightly. You would’ve missed it just then if you didn’t focus on the details of his face. You needed to stay awake for the sake of him. Silent pleas left his lips, barely above a whisper.

Ambulance sirens could be heard in the distance, losing consciousness rapidly, blinks becoming harder and harder as if you were put under a sedative. Bucky’s hand clinging onto yours while two of his fingers remained on your wrist, he needed to feel your pulse but it was slowly fading. Like the silence after a storm. Only a couple trees rustling.

Medics had put you in the ambulance, your boyfriend’s clothes stained by a dark red, still clinging onto your hand, his figure looked as small as it has ever been while his body shook from the bumps on the road to the hospital.

A tightness, feeling of doom present in his chest. ‘This is not real’ a recurring thought in his head. The feeling recreated the perfect example of his nightmares. So how could this one be the reality? How could he have been so reckless, careless? This must be his karma, must be his payback for all he did and he has dragged you into it.

Reaching the nearby hospital, your body looked limb. Bucky’s gut twisted. No, what if this is his intuition? Instead of some dumb gut feeling. What if he knows you won’t make it? What if you- “You must wait outside sir, they’re reaching the operation room now.’’ One of the nurses stated. And then the doors closed right in front of him.

Sam arrived a few moments later, bags in hand with clean shirts and with anything you might need later. His positive outlook had helped him remain hopeful, you were strong enough to make it.

He had to drag Bucky away from the scene. Sam and you weren’t all that close but you quickly bonded over teasing your boyfriend, who swore he’d have payback but all of that turned to dust with a simple kiss on your lips.

He is and was completely smitten for you. He’d be handled with care and soft touches after he was freed from HYDRA. Tough love quickly became a heart consuming type of love, one with sweet gestures and butterflies on any occasion possible. All of that from you. It could never be replaced.

Sam was previously pointed to a waiting room before he went to search for your boyfriend. So that’s where they were now. Sam’s leg is slightly bouncing. Bucky is fiddling with his hands, staring in front of him.

A doctor came in. Finally they both thought. ‘’John Walker’s parents?’’ She called out. Oh. His parents stood up and walked out to wherever Walker was.

Somewhere. Deep down. Bucky was relieved his hands didn’t kill another person. Now he had hoped he wouldn’t be the cause of your death, it was his gun after all.

Then hours passed, people had walked in and out and Sam attempted to get Bucky to eat and drink at least something.

Then another doctor walked in, they had one of those sad faces. Did that equal sad news? ‘’Sergeant Barnes.’’ they called out, causing Bucky to rise up a little too fast, blood rushing to his head.

‘’Bucky.. it’s uh Bucky Barnes.’’ he stated. Fuck. This is going to be bad

‘’My apologies Mr. Barnes, you are noted as the emergency contact of your girlfriend, am i correct?’’ They asked.

‘’Yes i am.’’ He answered, unsure of where this was going.

The doctor nodded, causing Bucky to grow impatient. Seriously?? wrap it up tough guy. Bucky thought while the doctor scribbled some things down and before they could take their third step to leave, Bucky grabbed their arm out of reflex. Sam quickly stepped up to stop whatever was about to happen next.

‘’Mr. Barnes and Mr. Wilson? She’s regaining consciousness. Room 107.’’ A nurse called out to them, Bucky was gone before she could even blink. Sam said a quick thank you and talked out some details with the nurse, maybe a hint of flirting. Maybe

You waited and looked at the door, serenity washing over you due to the medicine you’ve been given.

Then there he was, the man you loved. Hair disheveled. Eyes burdened and expression full of guilt.

‘’Oh baby.’’ You called out to him as his eyes turned a brighter blue, vision blurred due to his tears. He sat down on the chair next to you and before he could apologize you shushed him. His face was almost offended. ‘’’Before you start. No it was not your fault. No, I'm not scared of you.’’ You said while wiping the tears off of his face. Thoughts protesting and talking down on him.

A couple pecks and kisses later, Sam walked in with a smug smile. ‘’Please tell me you left that nurse alone.’’ You said dramatically. “I'm just glad to have you back.’’ He responded as if he didn’t just get that nurse's number. You three chatted for a while. Adrenaline and fear dissipating.

During a movie you decided to watch, sleep creeped on all of you. Sam passed out on the chair Bucky previously sat on and your best man has been laying on the bed on your side ever since the movie started.

Bucky looked up at you with tired eyes while the end credits rolled on screen. ‘’Go to sleep handsome.’’ You called out to him in a whisper, which he just hummed to.