J to A to S

Hello Audrey, I don't know if you'll ever read this or if this place would even reach you. I just want to say thank you. Thank you that you've changed me for the better. To be honest it was hard after what happened, i don't even know if what happened is a thing but still it change me. You may have notice by now that I'm not following you in instragram and i have made your account not follow me. This is my final connection to you. If we ever meet again i hope that we can be friends but lets not meet until 5 years from now. By then we would have live 2 completely separate lives. I would want to know what happen to the girl that went away. I certainly would have change drastically, even now I'm completely different. Well, have fun with the life you choose and i hope the decisions you made you will not regret especially the most recent life changing decision you made. P.S. throw the card. You wouldn't want to remember the guy that broke your heart. Certainly you wouldn't want to remember the guy who's heart you broke. Yours forever never, Jacob

The beauty of this world does not compare to any of the women I've met.The fissure between heaven and hell creating the natural chaos that give its wonders in scale much greater than its own. Here i lie in awe, with my eyes widen and my heart skipping beats. Wonder why people destroy such beauty. I've lost count on how many times I've fallen in love just looking through a picture, never being one. I was given a chance once, to destroy this world or to kill myself and choose to save myself. My apathetic selfish response drove the world from me, and she punish me to never reach her beauty and be trap here with her killers. The stars above, the grass below, the clouds in the sky, and the sun on the horizon. The animals on the ground, the birds flying free, and insects on trees are bound by their genetic coding yet they are free. People working, men and women deceiving, children disrespecting. We are born free, not compelled to follow our genetic routes, yet we are trap. Please, world. Take me to see your beauty for i cannot bare to think to be chained with the killers.

I love playing the piano, i don't know why i stop playing...... well maybe i do know. Even though I'm not very good at it, its my pride and joy to say that i learn how to play the piano and learn how to read music score all by myself within a couple of weeks. Well at least until the intermediate level. I started learning the more advance level now because i really want to be good at it. Its a good motivation to study but not as good as why i started before. Whoever reading who's not interested in touchy feeling stuff can stop now but i'll say at the end why i stop playing. I started learning how to play the piano because of a girl. I wanted to impress her so much that when i heard she like piano, on that day when i return home, i straight away started learning. I haven't even change out of my clothes haha. A week later i started dropping hints that i play the piano. Like, moving my fingers as though im playing piano, writing music chords, but the best one on which she notice is when i tried playing piano using my phone during class. Someone shouted that I'm playing the piano, i don't even remember who did that but i remembered how she looked at me with her eyes in amazement. I probably won't forget it. I stop playing because we stop.

With all the knowledge in the world, i can't figure out who i am. With all the expenses i could afford, i cannot get happy on my own accord. Still trying to find me which i lost but i don't even know who i am. Am i smart? People say i do but i don't feel i am. Feeding my demons I'm trying to hide. Its eating me up and i like it. I'm lazy yet i want to do something. Research on the things i want to find out but everytime i start i hesitate. I shoot for the stars only to land at the same place i began. When will this confusion ends? I losing my will to care for others. My only redemption is when i help others but i know that will slip and i will be unrecognizable.

I have a disease. A sickness that's crippling me to this very day. A virus that was transmitted to me on the day i took a step towards that dimly lit hallway. Social anxiety is my enemy. It caused me to be mute in my favourite moment. A moment i share with my friends. Its a demon that dwells in back of my head questioning every action and every word i make. It caused me to lie excessively just to please its heartless desires. I was so scared to do anything or even ask for help. Every time i try to look for some aid, it'll always say "nobody will help you. They will ridicule you if you do". It dint bother me much at the start but once i reach college, it released a barrage of negative excuses that will make me stay up all night trying to reason with it. A nightmare that appears only when the sweet dream start. Now, I'm stronger; now I'm can beat the monster inside me. Slowly but surely, i will cast it away and forget the loneliness and sadness that I've felt.

I am force not bound to any. Searching for the one to use me. I have bled, I've sweat, and I've cried. For the sake of their glory. Free as a bird, provide no comfort for me. An aimless wind will drift to nowhere. See the future of the one who are lost The price of others, paid by my soul Take the light and shine it bright. It'll lead you to your destination If you're lost and the light is dimming Go to a different direction. For the light shine brighter in the right direction. I have plenty of light to give....

I think the best motivation is to do something for someone. Either do it for yourself or someone else, you will feel very motivated. Heck, i even learn how to play the piano by myself so that i could impress a girl haha

Sometimes i wonder, am i oblivious to girls flirting at me? Probably not, i mean i talk to women with just how i think and ask questions if I'm curious, also i give compliment if i find it appealing. So, of course girls do the same thing thus they're not flirting and I'm not flirting. Which means I'm not oblivious to flirting because i know they're not.

I've made my fb account friends private meaning its no longer public. Because I'm testing things up and also i don't want the people I'm testing to see what I'm doing unless the go to the one person we're mutually friends with

Ok, one of my classmate have added me and i know he went through my old post. Now i need to be careful about what i post and think about who should i add next

I like when things go smoothly, But i hate it when things are only planning.

A year ago i have 5 close friends 3 girls, 2 guys. I thought that at least one pair will pair up and form a relationship. I thought it’ll be me and the girl I like. For the early months of our hexa-friendship, maybe half of them thought that will end up. Its pretty obvious, but i wont go through with the details. However, it was short lived. It dint work out and now 6 became 5. After that, i begun to notice someone else having attractions in the group. I shrug it off because one of the is already in a relationship but its pretty obvious that she likes him. Now, the guy broke up with his gf and things begun to be more interesting. I’m rooting for this two but friction in the circle might drastically change everything. 5 will soon be 4. You see the girl does not like the 5th person. With that dislike, she start making moves to make the circle smaller. Now the guy doesn’t dislike the 5th person. So if push comes to shove the lines will be drawn and he might choose her, no i will guarantee tha he will choose. Me, I’m fine. I helped her a lot in the past year so i don’t have to choose a side, same goes for the other person. Why am i talking about this? Because its fun talking gossip especially if you're talking to no one.