Sad Girl

Do you remember the time we went dancing when you hear disco? When the department store has a Stevie Wonder song playing in the background do you recall holding me close at his concert? When Taylor Swift comes on the radio do you hear my voice singing along?

When you order chicken nuggets and a hi-c from McDonald’s do you order ranch out of habit? In line at chipotle do you feel my hand in your pocket back when we didn’t care if people stared?

I see and feel you everywhere. Lynx game days will never be the same. When Careless Whisper comes on I can still hear you singing along. I can’t bring myself to make the recipes I once made for you.

Sometimes I’d get up and make you breakfast. You told me no one else had ever done that for you before. You’d eat quickly and then I’d walk you to the door. We’d hug so long that some days you’d be late. You promised to see me soon.

Today is better because I haven’t cried yet. It’s been exactly 72 hours since he broke up with me as I write this.

Yesterday I found his toothbrush next to mine in the bathroom. I cried for hours.

It does feel like I might never fully get past this. There will always be a dull ache where he used to be. A small piece of my heart that can never be mine again that serves only as a space to hold his memory.

I go back and forth between wanting him to regret it. I tell myself not to hold out hope that he will come back because I know he won’t. I know there won’t be any texts. He’s done this with countless women. He told me I was different. I believed him.

I was right. It’s over. The past 48 hours it has come in waves. I’m fine and then I’m in the kitchen and I remember how we used to cook together and lean up against the counter hugging while our meal simmered. I’m fine and then I see your faint handprint on the wall above the couch from the time we didn’t make it to the bedroom. I’m fine until I see the Christmas tree we decorated together and suddenly remember it was the very last thing we did before you changed your mind. I lay on the floor in the one spot you left untouched.

In the bedroom are the new pillows I bought before you slept over for the first time because I only needed enough for myself before you. There’s the new set of sheets. In the closet there’s an extra towel I bought just for you.

When we ended things I had felt it coming. I packed your gluten free bread and whiskey into a bag with your belt that had been hanging on my door. Pathetically I even put the pants I’d bought you as a surprise gift because I saw they came in a tall and you always had trouble finding long enough sweatpants. I asked for my earrings back. The ones I’d left the very first month that we’d joked I’d left so I’d have an excuse to come back. It felt final when you gave them to me. Like I knew it was the last time I’d be at your house to see you.

So I tried to get updates on my merch orders and this happened. Incredibly frustrated. I ordered merch on 7/23 that was supposed to be delivered in 3 weeks. On 9/16 I received an email saying it would be another 3-4 weeks. 4 weeks would have been yesterday and I have no new updates on my order. And I can’t even get a hold of them now. This really sucks I paid a lot of money (I have three total merch orders the second is supposed to ship by tomorrow and I doubt it will) and they are holding it hostage while giving me no update on when I might get what I purchased.