Say The F Word

It’s been a long time! I want to post something tonight because it’s been a week since my review. I’ve written everything in my notepad on my phone since I don’t have a Tumblr app. This post is pure randomness! I just poured everything what’s on my mind. I’m planning to check the grammar but I decided not to because I just want to be pure. (I will definitely regret this but oh well!) Now I present to you my second journal entry:

I have finally graduated from college! I hardly remember any thing fun, embarrassing moments, hardships or what I learned in class, basically. This is me writing a new series about my journey to get my license. I want to look back all the memories (good or bad) that I encountered during my review or how many times I lost my motivation, cry my heart out, mental breakdowns and get distracted by Kpop. I just want to vent out the stress I’m having by writing it. I don’t have jowa to listen to all my rants lol. On the bright side, this series may also help other students who are also reviewing for their board exam that they’re not alone in this journey. So wish me luck that I’ll continue to post an update!

This is my first entry! 

My friend sent me a message telling me to consider this review center. Because the previous board exam questions mostly appeared in that review center. Now I am distressed! Confused even. I suddenly want to enroll to 2 review center but hello i am not that rich. I let my mom read the message my friend sent me and then she suddenly blames me for not listening to her to take the board exam this year. Now I feel bad about myself. I’m typing this post still blaming and questioning myself why I didn’t take it. (Reason: I’m still not prepared and the schedule of the review center is hectic to my Graduation Schedule.)

I have already started reading my reviewers but I only read a few pages - literally. My motivation and desire to study is still not there. Why? I guess, my body is still on “vacation mode” because I am in my hometown. I think my body is used to be chill while I am at home. I’m trying my best to open my reviewers and try to beat my laziness with coffee but nope. It doesn’t work!

Also, my batchmates are signing up to their chosen review center so early. I am anxious because I may not get a slot. Pucha. I seriously don’t know what to do. Let’s just pray that there’s still more slots when I arrive back in Manila.

Now, I don’t know what to do. I keep on slacking, lying in bed for almost 24 hours. My body getting fatter because boredom is giving me the appetite. I’m trying to do the 30 minute study and 15 minute break method but still no use. Brain is still distracted. I might do the 2 minute habit? Like reading your reviewer for 2 minutes only so that my brain will get used to it by not forcing too much energy. I hope it works!

New random blog post! Yay!

I’m back here again just to let this thought go because its bothering my emotions and towards some people. Every time someone tweets about “toxic people” or having an indirect tweet about this certain toxic person, I can’t help myself and I keep on telling myself that I am the person who they’re referring to. Even though I didn’t do anything to them.

When topics like this comes up out of nowhere, all my mistakes from early college years comes back. I feel that that mistake broke my reputation as a person and people see me as a bad guy. Now, back to the tweets, I saw my high school friend’s tweet - she’s one of my closest friends in high school. She’s saying that she wished she has spent her time with this person rather than spending it with shitty people. My reaction was “wow, ganon? so binabalewala mo lang yung samahan natin?”. I got hurt while reading the tweet. I couldn’t help but to fill in the shoes.

To be honest, I’m having a hard time expressing my thoughts. I can’t spell out the words that I really wanted to tell you, readers. Do you understand what I’m saying? Lol. I’m just looking for a way to express this thoughts and writing it on a blog post is a great remedy for me.

So, I just turned 20 on October 13 and I know it’s pretty late to do this. Who cares, right? It’s going to be lengthy, let’s go!

1. Siblings are there for each other. As in, walang iwanan talaga. Kahit alien kapatid mo, dapat andiyan kayo sa isa’t isa. Kahit nahihirapan ka na, pag nang-hingi ang kapatid mo ng tulong, hindi ka na mag-dalawang isip. Nag-sink in lang sa ‘kin ‘to nung summer. Ang dami kong hindi naintindihan at grabe din yung galit ko sa loob (well, iniisip ko kasi si Mama talaga nun). Pero my parents thoroughly explained it to me all of this.

2. Minsan, you have to learn the hard way. Para mauntog ka sa katotohanan at lahat ng mga nangyayari ay may dahilan. Pramis, totoo ‘to. Di mo lang agad-agad marerealize yun.

READING

Ang dami kong binabasa na novels ngayon pero hindi ko sila matapos tapos. Plus, I’m reading my Biopharmaceutics handouts.  

WRITING

My newly updated Sunday Currently <3

LISTENING

This is: LANY playlist on Spotify, check it out, guys! FEELS ~

WATCHING

Katatapos ko lang panoorin yung Riverdale and I SUPER DUPER LOVE IT!!! #Bughead. From Kdrama, I’m watching My Secret Romance. To be honest, nawawala na yung gana ko manood ng kdrama at di ko alam kung bakit. Huhuhu.

THINKING

“Di ko pa pala naplaplantsa yung uniform ko. Shet!”

SMELLING

None.

WISHING

Na maka-uwi ako sa probinsya ulit. Hehe!

HOPING

That all my prayers will be heard at sana mangyari na siya

WEARING

Pambahay ~

LOVING

My Oreo biscuits and Meiji Macadamia chocolates! #CravingSatisfied

WANTING

Pumayat.

NEEDING

A talk with a guidance councilor in school.

FEELING

Meh

Wow, my last Sunday Currently post was in October. Damn, I need to post more. By the way, this is fairywarrior.co.vu and my “co.vu” domain has expired. So, I have to change the URL and douxsirene was born. Its French for “Soft Mermaid” and I don’t know why I made that URL. I don’t have single idea for a new URL. 

“Ma, I’m turning 20 years old this year.”

“Then, act like you’re 20.”

Wow.

--

After hearing those words, my whole existence got flushed in the toilet. I got insecure, I feel that I can’t move freely anymore or I get judged every time I say something or do something. That everything I do is wrong. 

I asked myself, how should a 20 year old act? Or how should a 20 year old dress? Or how should a 20 year old handle this?

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. Can I have a life coach to help me? I have read a lot of articles online about self-help but those tips doesn’t stick to my brain. It’s like if I step on something and I get anxious as if there’s a buzzer waiting for me to make a mistake.

Why do I keep on checking the number of likes and retweets in my Profile Picture on Facebook or in my tweets on Twitter and get disappointed every time it gets less than 10 likes/retweets?

Why do I keep on tweeting and deleting it at the same time?

Why do I keep on entering those toxic people in my life?

Why do I keep on blaming myself?

Why do I keep on staring at the mirror and check all of my flaws?

Why do I keep on crying every night?

Why do I keep on carrying those heavy burdens?

Why do I keep on comparing myself to others?

Why do I keep on caring for people doesn’t even care for me?

Why do I keep on pushing to other who doesn’t want to be friends with me?

Why do I keep on writing miserable post?

Why do I keep on doubting myself?

Why do I keep on procrastinating?

Finally! We have to leave the year 2016. I know this is late for a year-ender entry but since I’m a busy bee and lazy a$$, I’m posting this late.

To sum it all up, my 2016 is quite messy and fucked up than the past years. It truly challenged my patience and creativity.  Also, it made me wonder of my true existence. I have doubts about myself, my peeps and my chosen course.

The first quarter of the month is I have to lie to my parents and to an officer. IT WAS THE WORST THING EVER! I do not want to elaborate it further but don’t worry it’s not too drastic. 

When I saw them, I totally screamed! Well.. I “internally” screamed! Daebak! I was really impressed with their costumes. When I saw “Princess Leia”, my eyes were sweating. LOL. Because I remembered Carrie Fisher and how her character inspired me to be tough. 

I tried my best not to cry while watching the parade or else the crowd might think I’m crazy for doing so.. Well, my parents were shocked when they saw me crying. My mom thought that I was crying because I’m going to miss them but literally laughed when I told her I was crying because of Carrie Fisher and Star Wars will never be the same without her. Her response? She said, “Bakit? Kamag-anak ba natin siya?”. Ladies and gents, please give my Mom an applause for this. Hahaha! Love you Mom!

12 / 20 / 2016

Hanging out with God’s masterpiece who are now called as my friends. I had fun, guys! Thank you for this day! :)

Currently

READING

Noneeee. I feel sad, tho. I should be reading books since the start of my sembreak. I don’t feel like reading, actually. THIS IS SO NOT ME.

WRITING

Yaaaay! I’m on a vacay - so no rewriting of notes!!! But, I’m currently writing some of my future posts.

LISTENING

To nothing.

WATCHING

W, Scarlet Heart Rheo and Uncontrollably Fond. I should be done watching these Korean drama - so no more distractions for the incoming semester,

THINKING

ABOUT IF I SHOULD REBOOK MY FLIGHT JUST TO ATTEND AN ORIENTATION

SMELLING

None.

WISHING

For a good and progressive semester <3

HOPING

That everything will go the way God has planned for me

WEARING

Pantuloooog <3

LOVING

Mama’s Spaghetti and Pork Ribs

WANTING

To be fit within a week (lol not gonna happen *bites donut*)

NEEDING

OPTIMISIM

FEELING

Meh

It’s been a month since my last Sunday Currently post. I’m not that active for the past few weeks because I have school to attend and home works to be done. So, that means no time for writing at all. :(

Well, this week is kinda boring-ish. Kain-nood KDrama-magluluto-kain-nood kdrama-kain-ligo-nood kdrama-tulog. Paulit-ulit lang yung routine na yan! Hahaha! Maulan din kasi dito sa province kaya di ako makalabas-labas. Hindi na nga ako makapag-jog sa hapon dahil sa ulan na yan eh. Wala na yung balik-alindog program ko, lamon pa ako ng lamon. Ayoko naman gumising ng umaga dahil feeling ko hindi ko pa nababawi yung tulog ko nung last semester. Hahahaha! 

Hey, you.

Happy 19th birthday! I know, you’re birthday has passed but it’s still your birth month! How did you celebrate your birthday? Well, you have exams on that day and you almost broke into tears because you haven’t studied your exams yet. Also, you just fell asleep because you were dead ass tired for the past few days (and you deserve a good night sleep, tho). That was it! Yep, there weren’t any birthday cakes or spaghetti cooked by your Mama. Just birthday greetings from your family and friends - who were notified by Facebook. Oh yeah, your Lola gave you a 500 peso bill but it was stolen anyway. 

Why no celebration? You’re not a great person or you’re not well-loved?? Lol, I was just joking - kinda. Instead of giving your birthday money, your Mom told you she’ll give the money to your grandparents because they need it more. You just nod and tried to respond without your voice cracking. You just cried for a few minutes and thinking that you have to understand (and you deserve no birthday celebration). But, don’t be sad about it. At least, you went to Jollibee to have an early celebration - alone.

I know, you want to experience those surprise birthday celebration from your friends and family. Real talk, it will never happen. They will never see that you’re also a precious human being. I’m not giving you pity but it’s the truth. Those celebrations will only happen in your dreams. Unless, you give them money to make you a birthday celebration.

What are the gifts that God gave you? Well, He helped you survive your first semester as a third year student. He was there to help you pass your Watsons internship. He was there to give your White Coat. Lastly, He gave you a failed subject (don’t fret, Padawan) and you’ll have to see that gift in the future time. So, you go thank Him because He was thoughtful enough to give you this gifts.

For 19 years of existing, you’re always the one who understands. Even though, you’re tired of everything and you still tried your best to understand them more. And now, you’re still looking for that someone who will understand you. Don’t be blind - YOU are there to understand you.

Friends? They will come and go within a snap of your fingers. But it’s okay! It’s part of life. Learn to cherish those people who are still there to love your bitchy self. Do not put some distance away from people!

I’m happy that you’ve reached 19 years of age. I'm just going to tell you that be open for changes and this might lead you to a new opportunity or an eye opener for you. Pray always - when things go bad, pray, when things went good, pray. Don’t absorb negative words from other people because it will drown you and suffocate you. Don’t be impatient. Be careful of your words. Lastly, SUCK IT UP AND DON’T BE A BABY!

Love, your future self.

Recently, I’ve noticed that I keep on telling myself that “I’m tired”. Too tired to do all the school work, too tired to do the house chores and sometimes too tired to take a bath. Well, I tried to take a break during the weekend but it is not enough. There’s this one time that I told myself that I should definitely take a week off but noooo. My brain is being paranoid because I keep on thinking about school work that I have to accomplish which is very stressful.

Looking at the mirror, I can see those dark bags underneath my eyes. Asking for me to fall a sleep. I asked myself, why do I seem tired unlike from the previous semester that I have encountered? Maybe because of the schedule? My TTh class ends at 6:30 in the evening and on the next day, first class starts at 7 am. I have more or less 5 hours to finish all of my work and it really is not enough. Maybe because of the subjects? I’m taking up four major subjects this semester and I’m not really used to it. 

I can’t blame myself for crying in the middle of the night. Praying to the Heavenly Father and asking Him about the things that I’ve encountered. Also, I don’t blame my classmates and college students for tweeting Mayor Erap for a suspension when it started raining cats and dogs. Hell, I just want a day off or two. Also, those days are for the work that I need to finish.

Currently

READING

DDS book. Tryin’ to study in advance because we have a quiz on Tuesday! Yes, sipag ko na ba? Hahaha!

WRITING

Well, I’m doing my reviewer for DDS on Quizlet and doing this Sunday Currently. 

LISTENING

To nothing.

WATCHING

W - the korean drama. OMG Kang Chul is totally what you call - BAE!

THINKING

ABOUT ALL THIS SCHOOL WORK AND GRADES

SMELLING

None.

WISHING

For a White Coat + another Adamson basketball win + productivity + good grades

HOPING

Nothing

WEARING

Yung ginamit ko sa pagsimba kanina. Hihi

LOVING

This day because me and the fam bam went out and ate at McDonalds

WANTING

PANCIT CANTON OR RAMEN!!!!!!!!!!

NEEDING

Good and passing grades and kasipagan :(

FEELING

Meh

Hay, this past few days has been so stressful. We have a Microbiology quiz and our Case study. The universe is testing my patience with my classmates but fortunately I still survive their foolishness. I’ve cried hard on some days due to stress and the release of our Midterm grades.

Now, I’m hoping things to be okay. I hope I’ll change for the better and somehow increase my grades. Oh God, help me.

On our Communication Skills class, we were asked to do our extemporaneous speech in front of the class. I, fortunately, was the fifth student to do for the speech. We were given a minimum time of 3 minutes. Making this speech was in a hurry and I only made it the night before the class. Honestly, I was at the bathroom doing what nature calls and I somehow composed my speech without any notes.

Without further ado, here’s an example of my speech:

Last meeting, I chose a quote from Lao Tzu. It says, “A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with One Step”. This is true not only for a long journey but also a short one. Lao Tzu is not referring about the distance and the travels but referring to goals, tasks and actions.

After reading the quote, it made me wonder. What’s my first step? Or rather, what’s our first step? Well, we can’t make that one step without knowing the journey or the purpose of the journey. For example, if you want to lose weight or stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend. It seems simple right? Maybe the solution is simple. Wrong. You can’t change that one thing with a snap of your fingers or in a blink of an eye. We’ll have to take baby steps to achieve that challenge. Actually, we’re in a journey. That journey is to graduate with a BS Pharmacy degree and adding that RPh in our last name.  Now, what would be the first step? That first step maybe is waking up early in the morning for your 7AM class because you have to take your quiz. That is a step closer to achieve your dream. It’s important to celebrate that one step; it doesn’t need to be fancy. You could celebrate by eating the food that you’ve been craving for or watch one episode of your favorite TV show or simply celebrate with catching up on your sleep. If you’re in the middle of the journey and you feel tired and overwhelmed, just pause for a while and take a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Remember all the struggles and pain that you’ve experienced while taking that baby steps.

Waiting plus doing nothing will not achieve that goal. If you wait for those things to happen, probably, nothing will happen. No dreams and goals will be achieved. You need to take the first step and the rest will follow. Remember the words of Lao Tzu, “A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with One Step” and act accordingly.

Train To Busan

This is a late post.

Me and my classmates watched the movie when we were dismissed early in class. They were debating about what to watch and their choices are Train To Busan, Camp Sawi or Pamilya Ordinaryo. Then, one friend of mine told them that we should definitely watch Train To Busan because it’s a great movie and we all believed her. So, we ordered Jollibee for to go and went inside the cinema.

The movie is really amazing! It is so intense and different kinds of emotions poured out while watching it. I definitely love the character of the Husband of the Pregnant lady. I was so devastated when he did his thing (oops no spoilers). The zombie scared the shit out of me, sometimes.