length of time in blue harbor — has been visiting in the summers since she was eight; recently moved here about a week ago.
trigger warnings: addiction, alcohol addiction, alcohol abuse, abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, drugs, drug addiction, drug overdose, overdose, death
biography.
sawyer marshall was the product of a one night stand.
her mother left shortly after the little girl was born and her father went downhill the older she got, turning to the bottle.
as she got older, she became more and more independent, did her best not to upset her father and stayed out of his way.
but the independence came with nitpicking, her father constantly pointed out things she did wrong around the house, it had gotten to the point where she did everything she could to barely be at home.
which meant spending a lot of time with the family next door, the boy there became one of her best friends and his mom tucked her under her wing as if she was one of her own.
and that meant going to their summer home in blue harbor every summer with them.
she always lied to go, telling them her father was fine with it while telling her father she was going to summer camp.
that first summer is where she met him, dante kidd, the boy who became the other half of her.
every summer after that was something she looked forward too, desperately needed.
yet when she was sixteen, it became different with the boy next door. he developed feelings and because she was too scared to lose her escape, she agreed to be with him but that first summer as a couple would change her aspect on what love really is.
it was the summer she lost her virginity to dante.
they never talked about it again, which was fine with her because having him in her life was better than not having him at all.
when she was eighteen, she found out the night before she was supposed to leave for the summer that her father wasn't actually her father.
the night ended with a black eye and her suitcase packed.
she broke up with the boy next door and fled to Chicago in hopes to find the answers she was looking for.
it took another five years years to track down her mom so she took up a few jobs as a bartender and a waitress to live on her own.
when she finally tracked her down, she showed up at her mom's place to find out she had an entire other family and she left sawyer because she didn't want her husband to know she had a kid when they spilt up for a while.
it's when she goes to one of dante's shows, knowing she just needs to see him. that night he asks her to go to LA and she does.
for about two years, she is living the LA lifestyle with dante closer than ever. she keeps her feelings at bay because being around him means more to her than her feelings.
one day, her sister calls her and basically gives her the "I just found out about you can we meet up" of course, she is excited and says yes.
little does she know it's going to be the worst mistake of her life, to get along with her sister, Sawyer starts partying harder than she used to.
it takes her down a bad path where she's spending more nights high than sober but all she can think of is at least her sister wants to be with her.
she stays for a year in that haze, until 5 months ago when she wakes up one morning and finds everything gone and a note that tells her she shouldn't be so gullible.
she finds out where dante's next show is going to be and heads out immediately to be around because he's the only person who could make this better.
when she gets there, she sees him in the embrace of another woman, knowing she has no one to blame by herself for not being honest about what she really wanted.
she goes back to chicago and finds herself back in that dark hole along with the guy who used to deal it to her.
they start casually seeing each other for a few months, getting high and such.
until dante calls about mawmaw in which sawyer immediately packs up her stuff and goes to blue harbor.
then a couple of weeks ago she tells him she has to go quit her jobs, get out of her lease and the rest of her stuff.
when she goes to end stuff with her dealer, he asks for one more night.
all she knows is waking up in the hospital the next morning with the doctors telling her she's lucky to be alive.
she called dante and told him she had to get out of chicago and what she had truly been up to.
all she can hope is the new fresh start will get her back on the right path.
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It wasn’t lost on him that she’d be upset with him too. That she should be upset with the way he reacted and the words he spoke. Hurting Sawyer was the last thing that Dante ever wanted to do. The very thing that he had purposely kept himself from doing all of these years by maintaining their relationship as what it’s been. Best friends, he claimed. Despite knowing just how bad they both wanted for more, he couldn’t bring himself to sell her dreams. And yet as he focused so much on trying to put emotional distance between them the past few years, he never saw the other ways in which she needed him. Dante would be upset too if he was in her position.
There were no words he could say to express just how sorry he actually was. Explanations gave some clarity he presumed, and even that could only go so far to mend the broken faith between them. Dante glanced down at her hands when she let go, turning to watch her close and lock the door. Her questions lingered in his mind for a moment, unsure of how to answer them he shrugged. He had come all this way to talk, hadn’t he? Yet he wanted to take a moment and just take her in. Ask about her month, hope that despite their last encounter she had shared good moments with the other friends around her.
“I could leave, if - um, you’ve got plans.” he said, realizing that perhaps her question was meant more as a dismissal than anything else. Dante hadn’t put much thought into someone coming over tonight. Sure, he had texted Leo to keep his distance so he could have a moment with Sawyer, but it would have been so easy for her to invite someone else if Leopold was indisposed. The thought was more unpleasant than he’d like it to be, but what else was he to do? Offer himself instead? Whine and beg until she sent whomever was coming back on their way? Dante honestly wasn’t turned off by the idea if he thought it would work, but with all the mess between them at the moment he figured better not. “I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”
It was late, so nothing else really made sense. Unless she really just wanted her space, which he could also understand. He had showed up unannounced and merely expected her to be there. Was that why she had opened the door then? Needing to get rid of him before someone else showed up? “We can talk another night, it’s no worries. I’m just happy I got to see you.” he said, placing his hands behind his back to keep from reaching for her once more. Dante didn’t like this feeling. “Pawpaw really misses you too.” he added on, as if that would somehow make it easier for them to come together once more. Like him walking out now would only lead to another month of them not speaking. “He’s been annoying, that old man. Even more than normally which in itself is crazy to me.”
It took the last three weeks to pick apart her feelings, to figure out what she should and shouldn't prepare for. In every instance, it always seemed like once someone got close and got a peep of the dark they left. So, maybe that's what she is prepared for. For him to tell her their friendship, their… whatever this was could no longer be a thing because he'd never look at her the same. She also has never been good with emotions, it's normally why she never discusses her feelings or focuses much on them. Last thing she ever wants to do is make anyone especially him feel bad for anything.
The last month had been torture honestly. She never imagined what life would look like without Dante and it turns out he was one of the best parts of it. She basically swallowed all the other emotions and tugged Leo as close to her as she could. But she did have other moments. Damian helping her that night outside the bar, taking her away from temptation before she could mingle with it. She hadn't been to a meeting because when she walked into one at the beginning of the month she saw the back of his head and turned in the opposite direction. She never knew how to explain her life to him because when she came here. It was always perfection. Mawmaw making snacks, baking things, a warm and cozy environment. No one yelled. No one drank. No one… it always felt like an escape. And it's what she clung onto.
Her hands remain together, despite wanting to just touch him in someway. It's always a form of comfort for her, just to be in someone's space. Maybe it's why she always tried to find someone to keep her bed warm because being alone just reminded her of New York, of the house she grew up in. Her gaze raises up to look at Dante, a slight confused tilt of the head when he back tracks and talks about leaving. "No, I don't have plans with anyone." She shakes her head. "I wasn't asking because you interrupted anything. Just… trying to respect what your plans were in coming here." The distance between them is painful, the awkwardness feels so surreal yet they've been separated for longer than a month. Perhaps I was right in staying away. Her hands drop to her shorts, pinching the fabric between her index and thumb. She almost wants to find her to beg Leo one more time to come over and if he says he's still busy she'd get dressed and find someone else. Maybe it wasn't healthy but she knew by the end of this she was going to need that distraction. "I would rather talk tonight." Her words are soft. If he planned on severely breaking her heart she rather get it done and over with now. It seems harsh when she thinks about it, especially since he mentions he is happy just to see her.
She turns her head as if it will prevent her emotions from brewing up to the surface even though she knows they are already suffocating her. She clears her throat when he brings up Pawpaw, thinking about the concerns in the older man's voice like he was worried about her struggles, how she was actually doing. "I talked to him earlier." She says softly, turning her head back to look at him. "I'm surprised he hasn't told you that he calls me every night." Like he wants her to know he's still here even with the rift between her and Dante. Pawpaw has always seemed to know when she needs him, when she's struggling even when no one else can see it. "Come on, come sit." She gestures to the couch. She walks over and sits down on one corner of it, tucking her leg under herself as she gets comfortable.
Air. It was all she could think about in the moment as she walks through the crowd of people. All the bitter liquor smell in the air and also finding it harder to pretend that someone didn't exist when it felt like he was around every corner. She was doing her best to adjust to the new dynamic, well, the old but new dynamic between them but she couldn't help but wonder if there was still a twinge of awkward that hung between them and it was driving her a little crazy. She pushes the front door open and inhales the fresh night air. She hears a voice behind her, her head turns to see Hudson leaning against the building. "Oh, shit." She murmurs, her heart beat racing a little quicker. "You're really good at blending into the dark."
"That's not what happened and you know it," the blonde laughs, leaning back in her seat as her eyes rest on Sebastian. She feels like it's been months since the two of them had last seen each other, barely able to catch up on each other's lives. Which if she's honest the last thing she wants to do is a dive into how crappy the last few months have been for her. It's why she was here at the rave, she was tired of hiding out in her apartment and moping. She promised she'd have fun tonight and that's what she was going to do even if it meant not going near a certain someone even though they were currently working on mending the friendship. His words. "Now tell me something exciting, please. I've had the most boring last few months."
Sawyer taps her fingers against her glass of water, her gaze shifting around the inside of the mansion. It probably wasn't the best idea to go to a rave but she couldn't help herself. Halloween was her favorite holiday and she could never bring herself to skip anything haunted. She holds the cup in her hand, her index finger gliding along the edges of the plastic as she turns her head to see someone standing next to her. "Having fun?"
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Sawyer steps up behind him, a wide smile on her features as she takes him. It takes her back to when the two of them spent those few weeks together in Chicago, losing themselves and the haze. Sometimes, sometimes she wishes that one night never happened and that they were still back in that hotel room. Maybe, it was selfish to think like that especially because the haze was not good for either of them but everything was always so easy with Leo. She swears all he has to do is look at her and he knows exactly what she's feeling, thinking... She's never had to explain herself, never had to worry about him getting lost in the good parts of her because he took her as she was. "The Goblin King, huh?" She muses. "Remember that night when we watched the Labyrinth?"
Hudson's shoulders sag. It was a good try, he supposes. Worth a shot. But it was always going to be a slim to none chance that Sawyer wouldn't recognise the face of someone he assumes she hates. But seriously, what are the fucking odds that she's ended up in the same tiny town he has? He tries to think if maybe she'd mentioned this place before, lifetimes ago in Chicago while they were both on some bender that he was entirely complicit to by proxy. Maybe the idea of Blue Harbor wormed its way into his brain then, nestling there and lying in wait for this inevitable reunion. God, he can't even disappear properly.
The glasses in his hands have long since warmed in his grip, and Hudson dumps them on a nearby table, wiping the condensation onto his beige pants which leaves behind a streaky residue from his fingers. Fucking hell. Not only does he have to now explain the past several months to Sawyer, he has to do it with wet fucking pants.
"Hi blondie," Hudson murmurs sheepishly when he turns to face her, still subtly avoiding her piercing gaze. He can already feel it boring holes into his skin anyway, he doesn't need her to bore holes into his soul as well. Then, because his second favourite knee-jerk reaction to any uncomfortable situation is to get defensive (his first is to lie, and he's already used that one up), he follows up with, "Did you track me here?"
It's the icing on the cake; her big fight with Dante and the having to open up the wound raw to even get close to fixing it. Hudson was a topic that came up and it was like the universe knew about it. Why not throw the man who ruined her life and then became something she didn't want to think about? A hazey romance that was probably all made up in her head due to the haze.
She furrows her brows together as she watches him with the glasses, realizing he was working the event. Did the two of them talk about Blue Harbor or did driving a few hours away from Chicago seem like a good place to settle down to everyone who was from it? Once he turns around to face her, her shoulders straighten. It's as if her exterior was preparing to protect the interior part of her.
Hi blondie.
It's as if she's in that hotel room, tangled in the sheets all over again. She could never pinpoint what the hell their relationship was, was it just comfort because they had no one else? A way of bounding over the person that hurt the both of them? Or could it have been something more. "Did I..." She pauses, a soft little laugh leaves her. "You really think I would come track you... anywhere? Why would I do that?"
“Atta girl. You’ll get through it, love, I know you will. And I’m here if you need me, always,” Ruairi murmured, slipping an arm around Sawyer’s shoulders until he could pull her snugly into his side. He tilted his head to press a kiss to her temple— hoping the closeness or maybe the security of it would help in some way. They’d been close since they’d met, in more ways than one when all was said and done, and Ruairi couldn’t imagine not doing everything in his power to offer her comfort if she wanted it from him or if he could give it. Even if he was mildly paranoid, with all of his friends, that he was doing something wrong when they came to him with emotional things they were attempting to deal with— he always tried to be helpful; he hoped he was worrying too much, that Sawyer found comfort of some sort in being around him, even if he fumbled with his words more often than he didn’t and sometimes his only emotional processing involved cracking jokes. He snorted softly, a laugh caught in the back of his throat before he pressed several kisses to Sawyer’s temple and her cheek, borderline giggling all the while. “It’s one of my many talents, dear,” he drawled playfully, a broad smile on his face. He squeezed her shoulder as a beat of silence passed between them and raised an eyebrow, “You need that from me tonight?”
Sawyer leans against Ruairi, allowing herself to sink into his embrace. It's always nice for people to understand the type of love language she had. With Ruairi was something unspoken, the both of them knew how to comfort one another without saying a single word and they never really had to talk about whatever it was. It was just a friendship that was affectionate and sometimes more. "I think I'll get through anything if I have you," it's true. Their friendship blossomed into something she couldn't imagine not having and she planned on making sure he was aware of it especially now that she was feeling so... vulnerable. She laughs once he starts to plant a bunch of kisses against her temple, moving her hands to his abdomen area to clench at the fabric of his shirt through her laughing fit. "Of course it is," she rolls her eyes playfully. As the beat of silence shifted through them, one of comfortable, not awkward. His question didn't actually throw her off, her eyes raise up to look at him as she shifts slightly. She keeps them inches apart but close enough to touch the tip of her nose against his. "Would you be okay with it if I did?
Tilting his head in sympathy, Damian offers Sawyer a soft, caring smile. “I’m going to buy you dinner,” he laughs lightly, stepping closer to her. He finally feels like it’s okay to reach out to her, and he does, squeezing her arm in reassurance. He doesn’t want to fully overstep, offer her a hug if she doesn’t want one — but he hopes that touch conveys that she can have one, if she likes. If she needs one. He nods over to where he’s parked his Jeep, the parking meter having nearly run out already, then looks back at Sawyer. “You didn’t drive here or anything, did you?” He’s thinking of taking her to the Waterway Diner, which is probably too far to walk. Besides, Damian thinks Sawyer might want a second to compose herself in silence — he’s always found that staring out the window of a car is very helpful with this. “I don’t want to leave your car unattended or anything.”
Sawyer nods her head, crossing her arms over her chest as she presses her lips together. "Okay, I probably shouldn't argue about a nice gesture." She chuckles along with him, it's a soft one. She raises her hand up to wipe at her tears, her head turning to look over at him when he reaches out and gently squeezes her arm. It makes her feel at peace in his touch. Sometimes she wonders if she is easier to read than she thinks, the way some people offer the physical touch as a way to comfort her as if they know it's what she thrives off of. She shakes her head at his words, turning her head to look in the direction he does. "I didn't drive here," not because she planned on actually going in and having a drink. It was just more peaceful to walk or jog. She brushes her tongue along her lower lip as she gestures to the area he was looking at. "Is that your jeep?"
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Watching Sawyer struggle so much felt wrong. Like a blast to the past when they were both at their lowest - except she’d managed to dig herself out of the trenches, and while Leo was proud, there was always the worry that he’d be more of a trigger than anything of real use to her. It’s why he kept coming around like a puppy with a tail between his legs. Slightly ashamed, or as close as he could get to it, but still needy for her time and affections. Sawyer was important to him, someone he never pretended was anything otherwise - she bypassed all the stressors and confusion Leo usually felt when he became attached. So now, he was her problem, until she finally decided she was done with him.
She toyed with the sheets, then fiddled with her fingers in her lap, clearly unsure in her own body, despite seeming very sure and very in control of it just a moment ago. Though he wasn’t always great with his words, Leo knew how to give physical comforts. There wasn’t much grace to anything he did, barrelling forward to grasp one of her hands and press a kiss to her fingers with misplaced but well-meaning enthusiasm. “Stop fussing.” It was almost cringey, to hear the way he was coddling her, but if there was anyone Leo would fret over, it was Sawyer. For several obvious reasons, but also some deeper ones that harvested a soul right in Leo’s core and refused to leave anytime soon.
“I’m not complaining. I mean, I know I was just complaining, but I’m not actually complaining. You know that, right?” Sitting up and matching her position, Leo made sure they were as perfectly aligned as they could be. Pressing against her side as much as he could, as much as she’d allow him to. It was his own form of comfort, the constant heat of someone else against him - he couldn’t think of a time Sawyer ever denied him. Even if it was so much as a brush of their fingertips, a careful touch that Leo had inadvertently started craving once it’d become a habit. He reached for her now, looping his pinky around her own from where she’d deposited her hands back to her lap.
“We won’t talk about anything you don’t wanna.” He finally concluded, leaning into her space again to smack a loud kiss to her cheek - once, twice, a third before finally tilting her face so that he could gift her a last one to her lips. “By the way, as an actual kid of divorce who’s done the whole custody battle thing - this is way better. And you know I’d do anything for you, anyway. I could be in the middle of my own wedding and I’d probably drop everything and come running.” Leo confessed, waving off his own comment like it didn’t hold some sort of heft to it. “Use me and my dick anytime y’need to, as long as you keep me around.”
All those months, tangled together in Chicago before the incident. One would have thought it would have her telling the world that Leo knows the most about her when really he's only seen a piece of the darkness because he indulged in it as well. It was a dance neither one of them tried to get away from but it was one that she knew if Dante had been fully aware of how much it ran, he would be even more upset. Or maybe it was different because it was her that he knows about.
She knows though; that her relationship with Leo will never change. It will always be the two of them in the dark world, there to hold each other's hand. No matter what decisions Leo makes, no matter what happens in the future. He takes her for the bad even though she doesn't fully express her deepest thoughts. But she also knows she'll never let him go anywhere. They will be raising all their kids together and watching each other thrive in life even if the physical aspect of their relationship ends.
An exhale leaves her when he lifts her hand up and kisses her fingers as if letting her know he was there. His comfort is something she's always leaned into. It's like he knows when exactly to be physical and when not to be. Which there is never a time where she doesn't need some touch, it's the one thing that soothes her. It's something she clings herself too. It's always been nice that he seems to follow the cues she lays out. "I'm not trying to." She didn't realize how much more anxiety she has had since the fight.
As he sits up, shifts closer, the blonde adjusts herself to make it comfortable for the both of them to be pressed against one another. She leans her head against the side of his cheat, nodding her head as her ring finger brushes along the side of his fingers. Her pinkie finger tangled up on his as if it's apart of her own hand. "I know," she chuckles lightly. There was not a single thing Leo could do to make her think negatively of his behavior, their months in Chicago together after her sister destroyed her life, left her feeling lower than life. He had been there. Providing that darkness a light. She wonders if he knows how much he has truly saved her through the years.
She hums when his lips touch hers, her free hand reaching up to touch the back of his head. Her fingers tangle in the strands of his hair as she leans in, pressing her forehead to his, touching the tip of her nose against his. "You know I would do anything for you too, right?" She's never been good at it. Expressing those deep vulnerable parts of her. It wasn't just Dante who didn't get to hear about the darker parts that tainted her life. All the shit she's been through, all the bruises life has left on her soul. Leo may have witnessed her lowest but she could never bring herself to tell him why. "I mean it." Her voice is soft, knowing the emotion could cause it to crack if she tries to speak any higher. "I'm not trying to just use you for a fun time." He's like a security blanket, the one thing she can pull close to her that would never deny her no matter what circumstances arise. "You just... make it so much easier to breathe." Her eyes find his, briefly. Before she leans up to press a kiss against his lips, hoping the vulnerable confession gets swallowed up.
He could have sworn he heard the door move, or something move, but Dante couldn’t be sure of anything past the sound of his own heart beating its way out of his chest. Was she there? He tilted his head a little more to try to hear better. Pressing himself against it until he heard the world churning click of the lock. She had opened. Dante moved out of the entryway, coming to his feet as she took the floor before him. Tears streaming from her eyes and threatening to devour him whole. He could feel himself freeze as he waited for a reaction, for a word, a gesture, but nothing came.
Swallowing the lump in his throat Dante bit his lip in apprehension. It’s been an entire month since he last saw her in person. A month since the outburst at Maya’s and since he heard her speak. Sure it would have been easy to give her a call. Simple to plenty of people, but Dante couldn’t risk being near her. Knowing so well that the longer he remained at her side he would continue to live a lie. Pretend as if nothing at all bothered him just so she could be happy again. So they could be happy again. Their lives were so entangled with each other’s that he lost himself at times.
Keeping his distance had guided him to a lot of information and self reflection that being near her wouldn’t have triggered. In a perfect world, Dante should have just been supportive. Should have taken her words and said he was sorry she went through that, and that he was there to help from that moment on. Thank her for letting him in on something that had so harshly affected her life… but this world wasn’t perfect, and he had his faults but he also had his reasons for the way he behaved. Right or wrong. But just like she had made mistakes so could he. He was so mad at himself for it all anyways. So incredibly angered that so much was happening to one of the most important people in his life, and he’d been none the wiser. That she could have died and he’d be left to mourn the woman of his dreams.
All of that he still needed to process, but he gasped a cry at the sight of her so near him. He couldn’t not reach for her. Dante couldn’t just have her there, miss her as much as he did, and not want to hold her in his arms. So he moved towards her and closed her into his chest. Pressing his lips to the top of her head as he tightened her to his chest. “Fuck, I missed you.” he said, trying to keep his composure and not lift her off the ground. Screw every precaution he had planned to take and just sate the need they shared. But there was too much at stake, and he had to do it right. “I’m so sorry, S.” Dante reached for her face, needing her eyes on his so he could take in her face; The subtle but ever present freckles on her face, the softness of her skin, the chocolate brown in her eyes - the very same he pretended to eat when they were teenagers. How silly and clueless they both had been, and still were despite the years.
“I love you, alright?” he said to her, needing her to please believe him. “I didn’t mean to make it seem like I was mad at you or that all this time I just didn’t care because it’s not the case. I do care, you know? I care so much about you and-” Dante stopped himself for the second time that night and shook his head because he could say so much and not fully express the thoughts in his head in order. They couldn’t do this in one night. “Please say something.”
It was the first time in their eighteen years of friendship, of… whatever this was that her defenses are up. Sawyer may have never told him about the dark light that shadowed over her life but he got versions of her, no one else did. Just like Leo got a version of her, no one else did. She feels like she has to prepare herself for the worst because it's what her entire life has always been… preparing for the worst. She knows the necessity of their distance because even now she wants to cross boundaries and forget this is happening but she remains grounded.
Her own eyes take him, the tear stain cheeks and the little apprehensive bite of his lower lip and any other day, any other point in their friendship she would have tugged him inside and bit that lip herself. It almost a battle within herself to keep the walls up or to drop them down. She pinches the bottom of her pajama shorts, wishing a little she would have thought out the attire before letting him in. She knows she can't blame him for his reaction. Mawmaw's death was painful, it was not something either of them were ready for plus the stuff he went through growing up with his own mother, the path she had ended up on. She didn't know what to expect from him as he stands there, her neighbors easily being able to open their doors and see him there. She doesn't want to say anything or do something to make him change what he came here for. Whether it was to end their friendship or make up.
But it all crumbles once he's close enough to where she can smell his cologne, to take in the way his soap lingers on his skin and the hint of his shampoo by the nape of his neck. She's imagining just wrapping her legs around him and not letting him go like she's a monkey and he's a tree. She's a little stiff at first, suddenly aware of this carpet they have that she's standing on, whether he plans to swipe it out from underneath her. She exhales as the words leave him, nodding her head as she raises her arms to slide it around his waist and keep him close even for a moment. "I missed you too," so so much.
His hands touch her face, her gaze lifting to find his looking right back at her. She always felt like the only person in the room when he would look at her and she still feels like that even right now she is looking at him. She rests her hands on his back, gripping his shirt with her fingers as she tries to keep him closer.
His three words has her nodding. Now that he's in her space she doesn't know how she could have stopped believing that. She pulls back a little and grabs his hand to pull him inside of her place already, out of earshot. She didn't really want her neighbors to know her business. "I know you love me and you care. I know you were hurt and it was an emotional reaction." She pulls her hands from him as she moves to lock the door. "I'm just hurt too." She shrugs a little, putting her hands together. "And we probably have a lot to talk about. Do you want to do that tonight or was there another reason you came?" She asks, as if she's preparing for the other drop of a shoe.
"Yeah, so feed me treats and rub my belly, please," he said with a grin, shouldering off his bag and slide-kicking it into a corner where it was more or less out of the way.
Despite knowing the tension between Sawyer and Dante, he took her at her word. He didn't particularly care for being scrutinized by people either, so if she wanted her privacy or a distraction, then he was more than happy to provide both. "Okay, well now that that's settled." He left his bag of clothes where he'd kicked them, content to do them later in favor of plopping onto the couch right next to her. "Oh, fuck yeah." He'd smoked a fatty before coming up here and the munchies had him in a death grip. He leaned into her space so he could better see her phone when she pulled up options.
While he settled in, chin against her shoulder as was his overly-familiar way, another thought struck him. He pulled out that lost puppy look again. "You cool if I shower, too?"
"You sure your stomach is the thing you want me to rub, Alec?"
Sawyer smirks up at him as she leans back against her couch. She's kind of glad he doesn't bring up Dante more, it's the last thing she wants to discuss. Mainly, because it's all up in the air and the silence is practically something that suffocates her. It's why she's been clinging to every distraction that comes her way and this was one solid one. Alec always knew how to keep her thinking about things and it didn't even take the deed to do it. She turns her head to look over at him. "What are you thinking? Pizza, Mexican, Chinese?" She arches a brow. "Where do those munchies lead you tonight?" She muses, not really worried about it especially since her past isn't exactly something she's flaunted in front of others. Leo would be the only person who got a first hand look at how bad it truly was and it seems depressing enough that she doesn't plan on ruining the good company she has.
Her head tilts to rest against the top of his head as he rests against her shoulder. "You know that mi casa is su casa," she murmurs. "Do you want to stay over too?"
Rafael nodded. It wasn't the first time he heard such reasoning, wasn't the first self-blaming train that passed through a patient's head. Or his own. Although he strove to keep all of that buried as deep as it could go just in case. What if were two words that had the power to destroy worlds. "We have a different type of relationship, Sawyer. That's not surprising." He wasn't officially treating her but every so often there was a stray thought that he should have her see a mental health professional with less emotional investment in her. He wasn't objective. "I take your admission as fact that you are assured that everything about you matters. I'm not giving your anxieties any wiggle room on that. You matter and what you're struggling with matters." Rafael kept his gaze on his hands. He didn't need to read her face, he knew her voice well enough. "Do you want someone to know it all? Do you want Dante to want to know?"
Sawyer knows her relationship with Raf will always be different from her personal ones. He's her... guidance through the struggle and it should be alright to open up every single part of her to that in order to get better but it also makes her feel like a fraud with some of her other relationships. Leo knows things about her, but not everything. Just like Dante knows things about her that and things he doesn't know about her. She bites her lower lip and nods her head, tugging her leg up to have it underneath her. "I know it matters," she whispers. "I just... wish my struggles didn't hurt someone I..." Her eyes move down to her lap. "Someone I love," her words are softer than usual, maybe it's the admission or maybe it's the idea that this person she loves might not look at her the same. "Yes," she sniffles, raising her hand up to her eyes, wiping the tears from her eyes. "But I've been so perfect in his eyes, I'm worried... that if he truly sees me. It won't be the same."
josie smiled softly at sawyer's familiar face, though it doesn't take long to realise they're definitely in their head about something. she pulled a chair up, sitting down across from sawyer and waiting for them to come around before speaking up. "hey," she spoke, shaking her head with a soft hum. "oh you're fine, don't worry about that. what's going on, are you okay?"
Sawyer turns her head to look over her shoulder as if she's expecting him to come through the door since he had been going to meetings lately. She's not sure what he's looking for, whether it's her or answers to things inside of his own head. She turns to look back at Josie, exhaling softly. "I am, just.. have a lot going on, you know?" She says quietly. "Hard to stay focused."
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Quin snort-laughed, leaning forward in her chair to get a closer look at her company. "Do... you remember the days when they were cheaper than that? No offense, kid, but, uh... you look like you coulda popped outta the womb last year." She shook her head, puffing on her cigarette before admitting, "Jesus. I sound ancient."
"Oh, just 'cause that's where Tom Sawyer ran off to, and all. The name," Quin half-explained, already distracted by a different thought entirely. "It's funny, we go to all these places and still wind up... here." Not that there was anything wrong with home. Stability. It was good for a person. "Moved to the harbor when I was sixteen. Guess my Granny thought Chicago was bad for me," she shrugged, turning the questioning back to Sawyer, "So, why come back?"
Sawyer laughs. "I've been buying packs of these on and off since I was sixteen," she teases. "I think I have some what of an idea on how much cheaper they used to be... but who knows since I did just pop out of the womb and all." She smirks, placing the cigarette between her lips. "You don't look ancient so unless you decide to tell me all about what decade you came from I'll never be able to guess."
"Yeah." Her head turns to look ahead of them, raising her fingers up toward her cigarette and pulls it from her lips to blow out some smoke. "It's a comfort place, at least... That's how I've always thought about it." She glances in their direction. "I lived in Chicago for a couple of years.... Can't say I really blame your granny for thinking it's a shit hole and not good for you," of course, her granny probably didn't say the word shit hole exactly. "Want to here the most cliche thing in the world?" She asks, placing the cigarette against her lips again. "A boy."
