Sleepless Renegade

“I lay awake and thought about the girls he was kissing. I wondered if they looked like me; if they tasted the same. I thought how passion had a taste. Nonchalance too. And love, love had a taste that was hard to describe. It was like being filled to the brim, it was like being ignorant of emptiness and hunger. I lay awake and wondered if he was happy. I thought he must be bursting with it, or maybe he was just like me. Maybe he was trying to fill the space with girls who always left him emptier than before. Maybe he would remember me and regret the way we ended. Or maybe he was in love and I was the only one who couldn’t move on. Maybe I was just projecting my own feelings onto him. I lay awake and wished he would call. I wanted to hear him speak, even if it was just to talk about the weather. You don’t realise how much you can miss a person’s voice until they’ve stopped talking. But he never called, and I was too tired to sleep, so I lay awake and just wondered. I wondered how he was doing.”

“Perhaps the worst thing to realise,“ she said, “is that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought.”

“In my mind it’s 5 am and we’re thinking about each other but neither of us know it. In my mind you’re missing me because we left too many things unsaid, because I never got to really wrap my arms around your neck and kiss your face and say I was thankful for everything I ever felt for you. In my mind we are walking alongside the pavement on opposite sides of the road and you are so close, but not close enough. And I’m yelling at you, I’m saying ‘hi, hey, remember me?’ but you have your arm around the waist of somebody else. In my mind you’re running, I can see the blur, the flash of your person running towards me. But, when you arrive, I am not the one whose face you are touching. I am not the one whose air you are breathing. I am not the one and the truth is you left me behind a long time ago. The truth is you are here; always, constantly, irrepressibly here. And the truth is, this - all of this, has to be worth something. Right? Tell me I’m not the only one with this on my mind.”

“Sometimes you’re too close to someone to see the way they really are,“ she said. “Sometimes you love them so much that you don’t want to.”

Why does my heart hurt so fucking bad

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“Perhaps the worst thing to realise,“ she said, “is that you didn’t mean as much to someone as you thought.”

““No feelings.” He says. “No feelings,” I agree. “Just the here and now." He takes my hand. I dismiss the infinitesimal flutter in my stomach that seems to last an eternity. No feelings. He kisses me with the force of his entire being - until it leaves me shaking. No feelings. He takes my laughter and condenses it into a glass jar for rainy days. For when he’s gone. No feelings. He tells me his secrets and I tell him why I have trust issues and he lets me rest my head on his chest. "No feelings,” he says. “No feelings.” I echo. I hope he doesn’t mean it. I know that I don’t.”