2018 is the year I face my demons and myself
I can no longer hide this from you and I can not carry this burden with me into the new year. I have fought anxiety and clinical depression for years. I was diagnosed in 2012 when I moved to Atlanta but I never disclosed it to anyone. I just accepted it as part of my life as my mother did when I was a child. Herās stemmed from PTSD after being assaulted working as a waitress at the Officers Club on Oceana Naval Base. Mineā¦.I donāt know? Iāve always had a darkness in me. Iāve never known how to fight it. Only how to live in the muck of it. Performing and hosting on stage is my compromise in expressing myself while giving myself the feeling that Iām doing something āworthwhile with my lifeā. Ā But Iāve learned that that in itself is and has been a cop out. Itās a form of Resistance as described by author Steven Pressfield in his book āThe War Of Art". Iāve built extravagant excuses in the form of creating other responsibilities and new work so as to put the most important thing that I should be doing (writing and recording consistently) on the back burner. Ā Itās a double-edged sword for me because while many artists cope with mental illness by channeling that energy through their music, finding the words to express how I feel in the studio has never been easy for me. And thatās frustrating. There has been no joy in that. Thus, I have a crippling anxiety when it comes to writing and recording music. So rather then create Iād avoid it all together to avoid the misery. Iāve wanted to give up. On EVERYTHING.
At the moment I donāt Ā have all the answers as to how to battle through this but I have decided to do wake up accepting that every day will be a fight and every moment is a moment to change my life. Ā Keeping this bottled up inside has not been healthy and that will stop. I will more transparent in my music and with my friends & supporters through this blog. Morning meditations, mood charting, micro-bloggingā¦.little things that I noticed help me when I did do them in 2017 Iāll consistently do in the new year and onward. 2018 will be a spiritual interpersonal journey. Iāve always said work is prayer. I just need to focus on the right work and monitor my health.Ā Iā Iām committing to my craft daily, executing around priorities and pushing through the pain. Iāll start with small private victories and encourage others as I go. I want to lead by example and God willing Iāll beat this.
Lastly, I just want to say that if anyone reading this battles with anxiety or depression or mental health issues in general - Ā If you havenāt talked to someone or cried for help I understand why. Youāre embarrassed or ashamed. You have so much pride. I know that pride! And itās good to be strong. Resilient. That anger fuels you and itās what keeps you alive. But my friend, it will also create a wedge between you and your loved ones. Youāll take your problems out on others. Eventually, youāll shut yourself off from the world. Then youāll be at the crossroad of choosing life or death. Iāve weighed those options myself. Today Iām choosing life and I want you to make that choice too and know that youāre not alone.
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