Renaissance Hustler

“I couldn't help but to rap”

The first day at SXSW 2018 was...

January 1st, 2018. I’m laying in bed. Hungover of course. Proudly, i didn't roll over and waste an hour on on my phone scrolling through Facebook and Instagram. Progress! I’m already doing better with time managment. “Baby steps” i say with a smile. But before i can ooze out of bed like a slug off a tree branch - i start to THINK. Bad idea. I overwhelm myself with all these thoughts of what i “should”. You know, “New Year new YOU!”, shit. I picture Jean Claud Van Johnson pointing at me. I start thinking about tomorrow nights jam session and Sundays grand opening of ‘The Arts’, a new event i’m curating (with an amazing team btw!). Will the turn outs be good? Or will everyone still be tapped out from N.Y.E? BTW, you new-to-towners just spent 10X more on the exact same thing you could do on any given weekday in Atlanta.  Anyways, then i start thinking of all the music i have to make. Videos. Promotional material. Etc. That mental taxation brings on a physical burden that i can only describe as a grogginess or head fog. It feels like your brain is sucking at your eyeballs from inside your skull! 

I almost give in. But, I took a second to separate myself from my mind and body and i noticed what was about to happen if i didn't break the cycle. So, i leaped out of bed and jumped in the shower. I took my damn time too. After i got dressed i turned on Soulection Radio on Apple Music and i did absolutely NOTHING. I sat on my couch. I didn't feel burdened and i didn't allow myself to feel guilty. It felt good. Hours of that allowed me the mental clarity to plan the rest of my week and actually enjoy my day.  What i will take away from this experience is that at the least i need to lay out the 1st thing i need to do the next day the night before (or earlier!). That will get me into the flow of things as early as possible.

2018 is the year I face my demons and myself

I can no longer hide this from you and I can not carry this burden with me into the new year. I have fought anxiety and clinical depression for years. I was diagnosed in 2012 when I moved to Atlanta but I never disclosed it to anyone. I just accepted it as part of my life as my mother did when I was a child. Her's stemmed from PTSD after being assaulted working as a waitress at the Officers Club on Oceana Naval Base. Mine....I don't know? I've always had a darkness in me. I've never known how to fight it. Only how to live in the muck of it. Performing and hosting on stage is my compromise in expressing myself while giving myself the feeling that I'm doing something "worthwhile with my life".  But I've learned that that in itself is and has been a cop out. It's a form of Resistance as described by author Steven Pressfield in his book ”The War Of Art". I've built extravagant excuses in the form of creating other responsibilities and new work so as to put the most important thing that I should be doing (writing and recording consistently) on the back burner.  It's a double-edged sword for me because while many artists cope with mental illness by channeling that energy through their music, finding the words to express how I feel in the studio has never been easy for me. And that's frustrating. There has been no joy in that. Thus, I have a crippling anxiety when it comes to writing and recording music. So rather then create I'd avoid it all together to avoid the misery. I've wanted to give up. On EVERYTHING.

At the moment I don't  have all the answers as to how to battle through this but I have decided to do wake up accepting that every day will be a fight and every moment is a moment to change my life.  Keeping this bottled up inside has not been healthy and that will stop. I will more transparent in my music and with my friends & supporters through this blog. Morning meditations, mood charting, micro-blogging....little things that I noticed help me when I did do them in 2017 I'll consistently do in the new year and onward. 2018 will be a spiritual interpersonal journey. I’ve always said work is prayer. I just need to focus on the right work and monitor my health.  I’ I'm committing to my craft daily, executing around priorities and pushing through the pain. I'll start with small private victories and encourage others as I go. I want to lead by example and God willing I'll beat this.

“Persistance will get you there, patience will keep you there”

Humbled and inspired to be a “People to Watch” honoree by Creative Loafing 

If you said Thank God - you're right.

But thats not where i was going with this.

You should think about the BIG picture. Your end goal. If you don't have one then you need one.

If you think too small it might not be enough to motivate you out of bed.  All those necessary little tasks will deter you because it feels like you have to "get up and go to work".  Skip all that and think about your ultimate goal. See yourself there. Doing it. Being it. That should spark a fire underneath your pillow and get you up out of bed. Then executing those little objectives will be just part of the process.  At the end of the day - Don't even think about tomorrow.  Don't think about what you DIDN'T do today. It'll make you restless. In your mind, put yourself in that special place again. Inside the BIG picture. Literally, DREAM in-to-it.

Thank God