Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeeeeeeeee.

Flaming hair, icy eyes, and an absolutely shocking personality!

Indie Reno of the Turks, penned by PitA.  Selective, 18+.  Please read rules before interacting.

If I’m ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi. 

Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!

Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately.

Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?

You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective!

Well, he’s someone else’s problem now. Like you said, it’s out of your hands.

Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.

God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.

So you were just borrowing those cars?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!

All right, fine, darling; I’ll ask him. Excuse me, sir!

No, I know we’re lost! I think he’s an idiot.

Idiot?! Do you know why we’re out here in the middle of the night, ___? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.

You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents

I’m sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I’m glad you’re back together.

We’ve busted murderers; we’ve taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department.

I don’t have a lot of time. I need your full, signed confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.

Everyone, check your email. The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.

Who’s Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of Danzez With Wolvez?

Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite. Just stirring the pot.

Aw, man. All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.

Devastatingly handsome? I’m sorry. I’m uncomfortable with emotions.

Nice cop lingo! Look, I’m really sorry that we ruined your party. I’d love to make it up to you.

You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.

No, he did it doing something he’s embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is… how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Because no-one… will ever believe you.

Fine, abandon me! I don’t want you here anyway.

All right, I’ll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.

This looks like it was filled out by a toddler!

you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage.

You know how long I’ve been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?

My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

I hate being friends with you!

I’ve examined his proposal; there’s no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.

Actually, I’m a little disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It’s just a flat egg!

Okay, don’t shoot! That’s how people get shot.

Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pacman dies.

I got aroused last night watching a nature documentary on bees. I was fine until they went inside the hive.

“I’m with someone and nothing is going to happen.” Name of your sex tape!

Your head is so small. It is so small. Where do you keep your brains?

Good to see you. But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?

I care about my friends. Now eat your carrots, or I’ll rip your tiny head off.

I’m still paying my uncle’s funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Wait, stop. I’ve made a terrible mistake.

You’re being super irresponsible. You have a batitude. That’s a bad attitude.

1. We are, for all intents and purposes… in Hell.

2. “Please don’t drag me around like an in-bred cocker spaniel.”

3. “Good morning. Do you want to see a dead body?”

4. “I am not responsible for every single weird thing that happens in _______.”

5. “Promise me that you will never lie to me about anything. Ever. Again.”

6. “I’m a wizard. Deal with it.”

7. “He just walked through a wall.”

8. “Putting ‘Wizard’ on your door is like putting up a sign that says ‘lunatics welcome’.”

9. "Okay, um, technically I’m not supposed to talk about this stuff with civilians… so you’ll have to pretend like you don’t believe a word I’m saying.“

10. “Not all ghosts are spooky, or have unfinished business. Some are just annoying.”

11. “A voodoo doll? How completely irresponsible of you.”

12. “Life is pain. So’s dinner. You’ve burnt your garlic bread.”

13. “The only way to deal with the things we fear is to face them, to drag them kicking and screaming out of the darkness and destroy them.”

14. “Where there’s children, there’s snot.”

15. “I’ve got a message from beyond the grave!”

16. “When someone says stop, somewhere between my ear and my brain, what I hear is ‘full speed ahead.’”

17. “Disbelief, skepticism - hey, I get it. If I didn’t know what I know, I’d be skeptical, too.”

18. “I see things from different perspective. From your perspective.”

19. “No self-respecting hellspawn would be caught dead in there.”

20. "There’s not going to be any world-ending explosion here, is there?“

21. “Once cursed, always cursed.”

22. “I think the ship has kinda sailed, you know. The barn doors open, the cows are out and the bag is really devoid of cats!”

Season 1

“When the sun sleeps… the wolves begin to howl.”

“Holy Toledo, he ripped on him!”

“Traitor! Dirty bastard traitor!”

“Let’s take this slow. This is my first time.”

“Oh yeah, the pain. It’s not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh… one of those little kiwifruit, but I don’t feel anything missing, so I’m not too worried.”

“What’s got into you?”

“What the hell are you smiling at?”

“Holy dammit Christmas!”

“ It craves… purity… it devours… purity… it seems to be… What the hell is this thing made out of?”

“There are four puddings in the fridge. You may enjoy the contents of one of them. Dinner at six.”

“Violence isn’t the answer. This is a think tank; we’re the most powerful minds on the planet! Let’s act like it!”

“I will remember these last few days with you as the happiest of my life.”

“Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God’s eye, and he blinked.”

“I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!”

“Why haven’t you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?”

“With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children’s nightmares.”

“When the sun sleeps… the wolves begin to howl.”

“Oh my god, look at this place. It’s like a museum of failure.”

“Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?”

“Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!”

“Okay, this is getting nuts.”

“Have you seen my juice-box?”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!”

“Okay, then who haven’t you slept with? I’m sure that’s a shorter list.”

“Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.”

“Who wants PIZZA ROLLS?”

“Get me my cloak!”

“Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!”