a voice in the wind

You care about me? Yeah, its tough but their is more than you know that just makes it all worse. It means I’m doing exactly what I was trying to avoid doing. How do you know? What if the only reason you’re impressed is because I’m doing such a good job trying to impress you? I probably looked like a fool, I saw all my neighbors looking out their windows at me. Thank you, Campbell. That’s all I need you to do, and you’re doing a great job already. Alright.. Well, I think.. Well, no. I know my dad is sick. Really sick. When I went in to tell him the nice boy next door wrapped our dead dog up for me from under his car he interrupted me to ask if how school went. I told him I didn’t go and what happened and then later when I was going downstairs to eat something he asked if I walked the dog. This has been kind of a pattern lately, and I knew it was coming. We all knew but, I think it’s gotten worse. So now, I can’t be upset about looking like a fool in front of the entire block or that my beloved Volta is gone, I have to be upset that my dad is too. He’s gone, or at least his mind is.. I have to tell my mom and I really can’t do that, I know what she’ll say and she can’t say it. I don’t want her to.

Of course I do. I thought I had made that clear. Well I'm willing to hear it all if you want me to, but I get it if you don't. You don't know me all that well and that's okay. What? No, I don't buy that crap. I've been impressed with you for a long time now, even before we had ever talked, so don't go there. I am? Just tell me what else I can do, and I'll do it. Sick how? Why wouldn't you be able to be upset? You have every right to be upset, but you never looked like a fool. You never have. Don't say that. He's not gone. Has he seen a doctor? What if I was with you when you talked to your mom?

It’s sweet you want to but, no. You can’t. He’s dead, he's losing his mind. It's all just out of our control now. You can't bring either of them back, no one can. Thank you, Campbell. You neither, I mean.. I've been spending all week, every morning trying to impress you. I don't know why, I don't know if it was working, I don't know if I was just making a fool of myself. Then today not only did you see my dog under a tire you saw me breaking down. I just, why? Why would this happen? Instead of having to mourn my dog, I have to be upset that it was my father who did it and he.. Okay, I know we're not as close of friends as we should be for me to tell you this, and you'll probably think I'm over stepping boundaries or something but, I trust you. More than most people here, anyway. Can I tell you something, something I never really told anyone, even myself..

I know I can't, and that's not what I'm trying to do. I can at least try to provide help some other way. I care about you, and I know this is tough on you. I can't even imagine it myself. You've been trying to impress me? What's that mean? Imogen, you don't need to try to impress me. You just do. So whatever it is you're trying to do, you can stop because you do it just by being you. It doesn't matter how I see you, even if it's you crying because that doesn't change my opinion of you, ok? You'll get through this, and I'm right here. Of course, Imogen. Tell me anything. I can't promise I'll have an answer, but I can promise I'll be here to listen.

I’m sorry about this morning and not being able to drive you and all, I just, I couldn’t go to school after that. My dad is making me go tomorrow though.. So I’ll drive you if you need, but, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Hey, no. Don't say sorry. That was rough. I wouldn't have been able to either. I don't know what to do though, can I do anything? You don't deserve this, and I wish you never would have had to see that sight. 

I wasn’t planning on it.. Now that you mention it though, I just might. Oh God, what if I vomit on the scouts?! Oh no.. You’ll support me, I’ll have someone to squeeze when I’m nervous, you remind me that good things happen. I mean, you got to move all the way out here to do what you love, maybe you have some luck in you. Are you Irish?! Oh really? Good! Can’t wait to hear about it, on my postcard!

Hey, stop thinking like that. You're going to get way in over your head, and you don't need that. That's fine, I can hold your hand through the day. I wouldn't really call that all luck. It's not really all that I expected it to be, but I'm dealing. You'll get that postcard, I promise.

Maybe, I don’t know.. After they see my work the anticipation of them accepting or declining me from the school will also make me feel pretty sick. But I hope you’re right, I really do. I’ll try to keep it positive! It’ll be easier with you there. Even if you asked, I wouldn’t know what to say. It’s just a phenomenon. Really?! Thank you, a Kapuskasing postcard probably wouldn’t make it to my collection without you!

You're not going to throw up, are you? If you do, it's not a bad thing. Well it is, but I can handle that. I think I will be though. How will it be better with me there? Then it's all yours. I'm actually extra excited for the next time I visit home now.

I am, when it comes to other people and other things not including me. Not including my art, or scouts. I’m going to try though, you’re helping me try. You make me think positively, don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how. You just do, and I thank you for it. It’s not the same but, it’s better than just phone calls and postcards. Although I do love postcards, I collect them actually! I only have four that aren’t from Toronto and they were mailed to me, I didn’t buy them. They’re still a part of my collection though!

I have a feeling that you'll be okay once you're past the anticipation part of it. When you're in that moment, nothing else will matter. All those nerves from before will just vanish, and you'll be in the moment happy and positive as ever. You seem like that kind of person. Really tempting to ask you why, but I'll accept that. You do? I'll remember that. Maybe I can send you one next time I'm visiting home.