ًkil

"is there something wrong, mein liebling?" kaiser snapped his fingers in front of your face, his lips upturned in amusement as you jumped in surprise.

"huh? nothing's wrong," you quickly shook your head, embarrassed to have been caught red-handed.

not like it was your fault— he has to know about how distracting his gray sweatpants were. no matter where you tried to force your gaze, it always led back to the noticeable bulge in his pants.

although you've been dating kaiser for a few months now, things have never escalated past a few feathery touches as his fingers skimmed under your shirt while making out— or maybe a little grind from you here and there.

you wanted to see what he was hiding under that fabric, but you were too shy to. every time you would even remotely try to ask, it always led to your face heating up and you scurrying away, or you would drop the question last minute. he always teased you for being so "innocent".

he gave you a knowing look, obviously not believing your terribly said lie, but still reverted his attention back to the book he was reading.

knowing that he had the faintest idea of why you kept glancing his way, you decided to busy yourself on your phone— which also wasn't much help to distract you from how kaiser kept shuffling around, every movement making his dick print more prominent.

he had to be doing it on purpose at this point. every so often he would spread his legs a bit wider, place a hand on his thigh, and adjust his sweats. every single movement and rustle would cause you to peer at him through the corner of your eyes— not only in curiosity of what he was doing, but to see how the new angle would make the bulge look.

the more you thought about what was in his pants, the more you pressed your thighs together. your thoughts trailed off, the desperation of months of wanting him to bend you over something—anything— finally getting to you.

would he be mean and cocky, degrading you and mocking you at every chance he gets?

or would he be slow and caring, given the fact it would be your first time with him? would he praise you and give you what you would plead and beg for?

knowing him, you went with the former. not like you were complaining— you wanted him so bad you'd let him fuck you on the kitchen counter at this point. maybe even the floor.

"i'm starting to think you're a bit distracted," kaiser rasped. you were so deep in your thoughts that you didn't notice how he inched closer to you, his breath against your ear causing you to have goosebumps.

"am not!" you attempted to save yourself, hiding your face behind your phone and opening and closing random apps. maybe having the weather app open looking at the weather of a different country across the world didn't help your case.

"look at me, schatz." he placed his fingers under your jaw and angled your head to meet his piercing eyes.

you fidgeted with your hands, anticipating what he was going to say. but he didn't say anything, simply wrapped his hands around your waist and effortlessly placing you on his lap. you subconsciously throw your arms around his neck as you waited for him to say something.

"is there something you want from me?" he questioned, tilting his head to the side. you were still too awkward to answer his question, so you simply focused on the tattoo that was peeking out of his shirt's neckline, shaking your head slightly.

"are you going to answer me with words? or will i just have to force it out of you?" your eyes widened at the implications of his statement.

"what do you mean by that?" you soon found out, because he lifted you up slightly and placed you back down on one of his thighs, making sure that your legs were on either side of it,

"do you think i'm stupid, liebling? you think i wouldn't notice you staring like you wanted my pants off?" he could feel the way your thighs clenched around him at his statement as he smirked.

"i wasn't!" you were adamant on beating these allegations, although it would be nearly impossible. you were not only a terrible liar, but you were trying so hard not to move an inch. the pressure of his thigh on your cunt was getting unbearable, and you wanted him to do anything to relieve the heat that was building up.

he shuffled a little bit, bouncing his thigh in the process, leading a whine to escape your mouth. he froze for a moment before chuckling.

"pretty girl wants to get off my thigh, hm?" he raised an eyebrow as his voice lowered an octave. the sudden pitch change in his voice made your pussy throb.

hesitantly, you nodded. "please— want it so bad."

"that wasn't so hard to do, was it?" he slipped his hands under the waistband of your shorts. "now take these off."

you hurriedly took the pair of shorts off, and kaiser's eyes widened as he saw the lingerie you were wearing.

"and you weren't going to show me this, schatz?" he admired the way the shade of blue— the same color as the tips of his hair and tattoo— looked on your skin. "how mean."

before you could open your mouth to respond, he had already put you back on his muscular thigh, which was still covered by the gray fabric of his sweatpants.

his grip on your waist was sure to have you bruising as he slowly began to guide you to rock back and forth on his thigh. the friction wasn't much, but you don't remember the last time you had even bothered to touch yourself— paired with the fact that you were currently on top your insanely attractive boyfriend— his thigh felt like heaven.

you let out little whimpers and short moans that kaiser found cute. "feels good, yeah?" he asked as you began to put your hands on his shoulders and pick up the pace, trying to chase your high.

"so gooood," you moaned out, the way your cunt rubbed against the lingerie and the rough surface of his leg along with the occasional bounce of his thigh and encouragement he'd whisper into your ear.

"you look so good like this, i don't know why i didn't do this earlier," he frowned, watching the way you arched your back and leaned your head forward to meet the crook of his neck to muffle your sounds.

kaiser had always thought you were a relatively pure girl, not once hearing you say anything remotely dirty or insinuate having sex with him. for fucks sake, even the makeouts were tame enough. but having you on his thigh, not a thought behind those eyes except of how good it feels— he wanted to absolutely ruin you.

"never thought a pretty angel like you would want to drool all over my thigh." if you were in the right state of mind, you would've been mortified over the patch of wetness that was growing on his sweatpants, but right now it was the least of your worries.

he focused his attention on your neck, nibbling and biting until little blossoms of purple appeared all over, trailing down to your collarbone. his hands snuck under your shirt, unclasping your bra, earning a gasp from you. the cold from his hands made shivers run down your spine even as he toyed with your hardened nipples.

"wanna cum," you moaned out, feeling yourself get tired from doing all the work yourself. "help meee."

he felt his dick twitch in his pants as soon as you looked up at him with glossy, half-lidded eyes. he's dreamed of seeing you like this, and now that he had you like this right in front of him, he wasn't going to miss this opportunity.

"help with what? you can use your words." you only responded with a whine, mind still not foggy enough for you to shamelessly beg for him.

"p-please," you stammered, hoping that would be enough to satisfy him.

"please what? i still don't know what you need help with." you nearly scowled, trembling as he pressed his thigh harder against your covered cunt.

"i wanna cum so bad, kaiser pleaseee— wan' your help."

"now that wasn't so hard, was it schatz? of course i'll let a dirty girl like you get off on me." him putting it that way had you whining, but soon he had you moaning out his name, clawing at his clothed back.

"oh f-fuckfuckfuck, m' close!" you cried out.

"gonna make a mess for me angel? go ahead."

he watched as your hips spasmed and a drawn-out moan left your lips, helping you ride your climax out as eventually you slowed to a stop.

you look down, peering at how uncomfortable his pants seemed to be on him.

"mmm, jus' want you inside." you pleaded, a hand reaching over to palm him. he let out a hiss and looked conflicted— he was deciding if he should just fuck you right here on the couch or if he should take a moment to bring you to the bed.

deciding on the latter, he carried you bridal style to your bedroom. he let you lie on the bed as he took off his sweatpants, his boxers quickly following. you gaped at his sheer size.

"it won't fit," you complained. you, weren't exactly complaining, but you had no idea how he was even going to get past the tip.

"i just need to get you ready for me. it'll fit." he wasn't gonna lie, you whining about his size out of all things made his ego get even bigger than it already was. you nodded, trusting him.

"sloppy fucking cunt is so wet for me," he cooed as he pulled your panties to the side and slid a slender finger in. you squirmed as he began to curl his finger, adding another finger and picking up the pace. the lewd squelches echoed throughout the room.

he was prodding everywhere but your g-spot— it was on purpose, his enjoyment of not giving you what you wanted clearly written all over his face. maybe he'd make you beg for it again.

"nghh... gonna cum again," you mewled.

"you're not gonna fucking cum until i say so," he narrowed his eyes, blond and blue hair framing his face.

"wh-what?" you wailed as he pulled his fingers out, hands shooting out to stop him. "why'd you stoppp."

your slick covered his fingers, which he quickly lapped up in front of you. your face felt hot, the scene in front of you as obscene as he could make it. without a care in the world, he let out slurping sounds and snickered when he saw your flustered face.

"be patient," he glowered as he slapped his tip against your clit, teasing you as you whined. you furrowed your eyebrows, done with all his teasing.

your mouth shaped into an o-shape as you felt him slide himself in.

"shit... this pussy was made for me."

"wait-ah...you're too biggg..." you felt yourself getting dizzy over the feeling of him stretching you out, biting your bottom lip to prevent yourself from drooling all over the pillow.

"doing s'good for me." he bottomed out, and he had to physically stop himself from immediately pounding into you with the way you literally sucked him in and enveloped him. slowly he began to thrust into you, you gripping the sheets. the sheer length and girth of him was nothing like you've ever experienced before.

"ha-harder— faster...please," you trailed off as he sped up upon your request, not able to hold himself back from messing up your insides.

although it was your first time having sex with him, it was like he could just tell what made you feel good, what spots made you see stars upon stars, and what made you mind simply go blank.

kaiser was probably saying something to you, but you weren't able to understand anything, your brain dumb and unable to do anything but feel the dick that was burying into you.

"k-kaiserrr, feels too good," you felt tears pool at the corner of your eyes. "no more, no mo'"

"'no more, no more"' he mocked your moans. "you say that, but you're the one who keeps grinding back on my cock like the whore you are. didn't you just tell me to go faster?"

you didn't even notice how you were trying to move your hips back onto him— not like it would've changed anything. you would've lost it if he had actually heeded your pleas and stopped moving.

he suddenly flipped you over, making you face him as he threw your legs over his shoulders, nearly bending you in half. you looked up at him questioningly, meeting his darkened and dilated eyes.

without warning, he went back to his usual brutal pace, every thrust ending with a whine from you or a soft grunt from him. then he hit that spongey spot in you that had your vision go white. you let out an unusually loud moan that bordered a scream, and thats when kaiser knew he found what he was looking for.

"right here," he whispered under his breath as he began to bully his cock right into your g-spot, leaving you breathless and burying your head into your hands to muffle your moans. he used one of his hands to grab your wrists and pin them above your head.

"i want to hear those pretty moans of yours, liebling." you didn't even have the mind to be self-conscious anymore, you just wanted him to finally cum inside you.

oh, he loved the way that he made you dumber and dumber by the minute. he loved the way your gummy walls clenched around him. he loved the way his sweet little girl was crying and bumbling right under him. he loved everything about you.

he brought his head down to give you a quick kiss, feeling you try to get your hands out of his grasp.

"wanna feel you so bad," you pleaded, and he decided to let go, your glistening doe eyes convincing him. you immediately began to tug on his hair and then forced him down into another kiss— this time much more deeper and longer. he felt you bite on his lips, tongue brushing everywhere as the kiss was reduced to you just wanting to get as close as you can to kaiser, wanting to feel and taste as much as him as you could.

he pulled away to give you some air, a string of saliva connecting the two of you as you cried out.

"i t-think im gonna—"

"cum for me princess." his coaxing voice paired with the way he played with your clit finally brought you over the edge.

the way you almost sang his name when you came almost had him following right after you, but he wanted this to last as long as possible, even with the thick white ring that was making its way to the base of his cock.

the overstimulation was too much for you to handle, to the point where it was like you were silently screaming. it hurt, but it was too good.

"where should i cum, liebling?" his thrusts were becoming frantic and the pace was uneven, as if he was going feral. you could even swear you heard a whimper or two the closer he got to his climax.

"inside! insideinsideinside—" you babbled, wanting to finally feel him fill you up.

"f-fuck," his voice cracked as he rammed his hips into yours one last time, bringing you close as he hid his head into your chest to suppress any other sounds. you could swear that he skimmed your cervix.

after your cunt had finished milking him dry, both of you were breathing heavily, not saying a word. you assumed that kaiser was simply calming down before pulling out, but a nearly a minute passed and he never did.

"k-kaiser?" you quipped. your thighs were still trembling, and you could feel the mix of your fluids trailing out of your pussy. "are you gonna pull out?"

"did i ever say i was done?"

“Mine has been a life of such shame. I can’t even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being.” -No Longer Human, Dazai Osamu

The book is divided into 3 notebooks, and the first of them explores Yozo’s (the main character in NLH) childhood.

Yozo spent his childhood mostly bedridden, as a sickly child, he often skipped school. In spite of this, he scored exceptionally well in exams and gained a reputation as being smart and intelligent among his peers. Due to lack of contact as a young child with other children of his age, I believe he has never learned how to socialize, and once the age to develop the skill has passed, this particular lack of understanding toward social interactions carried onward to his adulthood. His intelligence is also be a factor I believe contributed to his lack of comprehension of human interaction, as he thought differently and would naturally fail to understand why everyone around him was always two steps behind him. These two circumstances led to his hardship in finding an individual who may understand him as an equal, and it led to him believing himself completely separate from humans as a whole. I believe that this isolation in his youth may have been the start of his alienation from other human beings. Furthermore, Yozo was raped by the servants of his childhood home, and viewed as a child ‘many pure, happy, serene examples of insincerity,’ which led to his distrust of human beings. This violation of trust also worsened Yozo’s sense of alienation from human society - how can one understand humanity if one cannot trust one’s perceptions of it? This distrust and alienation would also contribute to Yozo’s lack of understanding of morals and ethics - how can humans truly believe in morals and ethics if their actions are so clearly contradictory to all these supposed rules? Thus, Yozo disregarded these morals and ethics because it did not make any sense to him.

This reflects itself in with BSD Dazai’s character, as seen in Dark Era Dazai, who cannot comprehend ‘good’ or ‘evil’, which are human concepts, leading to a sense of alienation from human society as he simply cannot understand the unspoken implications of human society, and even if noticed, he cannot make sense of it. Good and Evil, concepts even children are able to grasp, are beyond his comprehension, and as such he cannot truly feel a sense of belonging to either ‘side’. This was so prominent that Oda, who was trying to be ‘good’, was so strange to him that he fixated on him and took him as a saint, (spoiler alert, he was indeed, not a saint, but that is a topic for another day) even going as far as leaving the Port Mafia for him. Although the true implications of Dazai’s decision could be debated, it is nonetheless quite significant that Dazai would leave behind what is familiar to him to plunge into the unknown waters of the ‘good’ side. This is evidenced by Yozo’s characterization of favoring things he’s familiar with. He feels safer in a situation where he knows what to expect and how to act. In a world where everything and everyone is incomprehensible and alien to you, to abandon the sole semblance of familiarity for someone else’s request takes courage. The fact that Dazai is willing to leave the PM for Oda shows a level of dedication or care for Oda, or perhaps it shows the impact Oda’s last words had on him. 

All in all, the point is that Dazai feels a disconnect from the ‘light’, because the difference between ‘good’ and ‘evil’ was never clear to him, and he cannot understand the morals or ethics which the ‘light’ functions on. Although the ‘dark’ is more familiar to him, it is only due to the fact that he spent his youth there, and he knows how to act and what to expect. In all honesty I feel that Dazai does not care for cruelty nor kindness, he simply does things that he deems will benefit him, or which he finds interesting. He can better comprehend the ‘dark’ because he views it as a purer show of humanity’s nature - that of cruelty and deception, and he struggles to understand the ‘light’ as he cannot comprehend the kindness and morals humans display here - so contradictory to what he has observed to be the truest form of humanity. Actions he takes within the Port Mafia are not because he is inherently cruel, he cannot be cruel because he doesn’t see the significance of the difference between cruelty and kindness - he is as likely to be cruel as he is to be kind. He takes no pleasure from it, and to him both are the same - just as bland and just as worthless. 

To go off point for a bit, I personally think Mori takes advantage of this lack of will - he sets Dazai off on a path, and only because of that, Dazai follows it. Like a mindless puppet, Dazai does things because he seeks feeling and connection - he seeks the comprehension he lacks. He hopes that by being cruel and bringing himself closer to humanity’s true nature, he may gain even a slight understanding of why humans are cruel. Mori is the instigator, and I think that without him, Dazai would not kill to begin with. He is not the type to muster enough hatred or desire to wish to take a life - it’s too much effort. But Mori sets the idea of cruelty bringing Dazai closer to humanity into Dazai’s mind, and Dazai simply follows along in hopes of attaining this understanding he lacks.

As for the suicidal ideation, suicide attempts and implied self harm, in NLH Yozo seeks this out because be cannot bear the thought of living any longer. He is disconnected from the world and as such cannot form any meaningful connections with people nor can he find a reason to live because he has not felt passion before, or so he claims, and any action he takes is only in accordance with what he perceives as the expectations placed upon him by society. He does not act for himself, merely acting according to what others want him to do, in hopes of either gaining understanding and fitting in, or passing as a human being who society approves of.

Similarly, BSD Dazai too goes along with the expectations of those around him to fit in and pass as a ‘human being’. In the Port Mafia, that meant acting cruel and playing into the role of the ‘Demon Prodigy’. In the ADA, he plays the role of the eccentric detective, playing off his suicide attempts as jokes because that is what is expected of him - no one in the light likes to be confronted with the taint of death. 

Of course, this does not mean Dazai is truly inhuman. He can feel emotions, as is evidenced by his reaction to Oda’s death, as well as his hurt and anger at Ango’s betrayal. Yozo, in NLH, also feels emotions - for example, fear (of human beings) and anger and despair (at Yoshiko being raped). In the first place, Yozo marries Yoshiko because he sees in her a purity and honesty he has found to be rare among human beings. He sees in her virtue that is unsullied and as such falls for her. Similarly, Oda would be Dazai’s paragon of virtue. He sees in Oda a honesty and kindness not present in the rest of the underground, and as such is attached to him, if only because he is curious and wishes to find out more. Both see Oda and Yoshiko as beings of purity, the complete opposite of the beings of sin they believe themselves to be.

In BSD Dazai’s case, he bases his entire idea of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ off of Oda. He does not possess a moral compass, so he ‘borrows’ Oda’s, so to speak. But he does not truly understand why being cruel is wrong, or why being kind is good. He cannot feel guilt over his treatment of Akutagawa because to him his treatment of Akutagawa was necessary for his survival in the Port Mafia, and being cruel was simply the more effective choice of training for the environment he would be in. Why would it be wrong to do so? Wasn’t he just accomplishing his task? What differentiates ‘good’ from ‘bad’? Why does it matter?

Of course, the very fact that Dazai can recognise himself as an ‘evil’ shows that he can and does feel guilt - even if he doesn’t understand why. It is my headcannon that Dazai self harms out of a desire to punish himself - he cannot understand the reasoning behind guilt he feels, cannot comprehend the emotions, all he knows is that his existence is wrong, and as such he takes steps to ‘rectify’ this by attempting to end his existence, or at least repent for it through putting himself through pain (which he has clearly stated he dislikes).

Utterly logical, this fact makes Dazai incapable of comprehending the emotional aspects of human function. He feels them, and can account for them, but to him who mostly prizes logic over emotion, he cannot truly understand the way emotions shape moral and ethical concerns. Of course, this doesn’t mean he is above being affected by emotions, but he cannot even understand this himself. He cannot recognise the emotions he feels, and although he sees the illogical actions he takes due to them, he cannot reconcile the feelings with his worldview. - He acts irrationally at Oda’s death. But he cannot understand just why exactly that is. He knows his suicide and self harm attempts are illogical and have a low chance of success. But he doesn’t know why it is that he keeps to these actions in spite of that. He is affected by emotions, but unlike the rest of us who understand the effect emotions have on ourselves and our actions, he who is purely logical in his actions cannot truly see just why his emotions would affect him this way.