Leysaysfair

As you get older, the number of days you just want to say fuck off to the world and get lost in a book, or watch series nonstop, increases.

And yes, later while on the road an AUV will cut us with a red plate. Nyeta!

Most stupidest words being used today.

Abuse is not foreign to me. Sadly. I would like to believe that I have battled against PTSD and won (without any form of professional help, because I chose to bear it silently). Reading can do wonders. However, a very sad reality about trauma and abuse is that the real battle is the aftermath. The actual abuse might have lasted only a few minutes, the terror it caused though could haunt the victim for years. It will be a series of self doubt, anger, and guilt. Or every ugly feeling we managed to put a name on. Slowly, and hopefully the victim will find joy in distractions. A hobby, work, fulfilling relationship, new learning. One day though, when everything seems all too well, that ugly feeling creeps in again. The victim tries to mask this setback and hardly anyone notice that subtle change of tone.

There's just too many hats to wear.

Fuck you.

When your first thought is that people always have hidden agenda. Sick and tired of it.

I recall every time we were given a reading assignment in grade school, there will be guide questions at the end. It's cliche: what's the moral of the story? It annoys me how didactic this was. Nonetheless, I just want to sum up the moral story for me this year. Whatever happens, family first. When all else fails and you start hitting rock bottom, your boss won't be on your side taking care of you when you're sick. (Heck he might even drag your ass to office.) Maybe a few polite colleagues will visit. If you're lucky, a number of your friends will be there too. But ultimately, it's your family who will be there. Take the time to ask how they're doing. Spend time with them.

Dragging these past few months. I feel like my life is on hold and I hate it. I’m not a fan of being dependent on something or waiting for it to happen. It’s just not in my nature, so usually I don’t let myself get stuck and I do something. I like change, either by doing something else or quitting. I reason out in my head that time is so limited to waste in waiting, or doing the same old thing everyday. How boring! Some would find my ways a bit rash, or radical. I don’t really care. I never like being helpless. I think that’s how I was raised. Always there’s a voice in my head ‘Why didn’t you do something about it’. No excuses. But this time I don’t know. Should I wait and trust, or put matters in my own hands again. In hindsight, when I did decide and choose the riskier path, I usually get lucky anyway. But what if I've laid out all my aces and nothing else is left.

At times I get confused, am I in the business of banking or advertising?

Feels like my life is on hold.

Not today though. Someday. =)

Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained. Jonathan Harnisch, Freak