Satan In A V-neck

feel free to edit for pronouns/tense etc.  strong language, sexual / adult themes, tw: vomit. 

“I don’t function whether I have sleep or not.”

“What is tea?”

“We just need to marinate his personality a little bit.”

“Oh no, there’s no one to hold my hand!”

“Sounds like that’s not my job.”

“Can you automate me a sandwich?”

“I am irate.”

“There are two types of people in this world: counselors and peasants.”

“There’s a serpent in my footwear.”

“Emotional trauma is fun.”

“I have many talents. Most of them are completely useless.”

“Settle down, Satan.”

“Do you feel reduced, reused, and recycled?”

“Well that sounds like a fucking lie.”

“I don’t instigate. I just participate.”

“When I go to craft stores, I blackout.”

“I’m not dead…yet.”

“Flip flops are the bread of the foot.”

“There’s a whole lot of hip and not a lot of hop.”

“Soda is spicy.”

“I’m going to die somehow, and if it’s from salmonella from eating raw cookie dough, then so be it.”

“I have a great Shakira impersonation.” 

“Maybe they’ll learn if they lose a couple of fingers.”

“I care more about the content of their character than the pizazz in their pants.

“My hip is not used to this motion.”

“I can’t believe I put a bra on for that.”

“She has the balance of a newborn deer.”

“I’m literally a fuckboy.”

“Hey look, cute boys! Oh, they’re not cute, but at least they’re still boys.”

“Shit is usually going downhill by now.”

“Two months ago, you did something stupid.”

“I made a difference.”

“You tried.”

“Is this a science camp or a prostitution camp?”

“You scared the juice out of her.”

“I am NEVER having kids!”

“This is my uterus talking.”

“I’m not above throwing hands with a seventh grader.”

“I have a 670 day streak on Snapchat with my Mom.”

“My grandma just screams all the time.”

“We can all starve, and then it’s free!”

“It kind of feels like I’m in purgatory.”

“Are you sure the epi-pen is only as needed?”

“I feel like I’m always living in a vine.”

“There has been nothing born of this womb.”

“I feel like I’m dying.”

“I feel like I’m dying, but someone set me on fire, but like, in a good way.”

“I cry myself to sleep every single night.”

“I aspire to be not poor.”

“There’s no such thing as too cool for school when you’re paying tuition.”

“Surprise! I’m fully clothed.”

“We’re having problems with the girls having sass.”

“SEX?!”

“Why does my boob keep getting touched this week?”

“I’ll baby bird vomit into your mouth.”

“Did someone touch my butt?”

“Wow, you really are lonely.”

“I don’t care for that.”

“What would Abraham Lincoln think about that?”

“They were boy scouts, not man scouts.”

“Gift wrapping is my shit.”

“I am not caffeinated…that is a lie.”

“I’ve had to pee since 2015.”

“I’m going to pour some cow’s milk into my mouth straight from the teat.”

“I just posted on Instagram; go like it, you bitch.”

“Most people cry when I walk into the room.”

“What if Pop Sockets were for toes?”

“That feedback is not very timely.”

“I don’t even know what World War 2 was.”

“Pics or it didn’t happen.”

✚ for a kiss on a wound.

♕ for a kiss of swearing fealty.

✿ for a sweet kiss on the cheek.

♠ for a kiss that leaves a mark on the skin.

♆ for a kiss where there is a pulse.

ϡ for a kiss that lets you know I love you.

ღ for a kiss filled with passion and need.

† for a kiss to say good bye forever.

✄ for hateful kiss – gonna make you feel the scorn okay?!

‘Oreos are in aisle 5. Wait. Are we in the same store?’ AU

‘The answer to Question 4 is 26, please stop thinking so hard about it,  I had that exam paper too’ AU

‘Hi I’m your neighbour and I can help you with that recipe you’ve just been confused about if you’d like’ AU

‘Stop worrying about the test, I’ve learned more from you studying than I have all semester’ AU

‘I know we haven’t talked before but you’re upset about something someone said and I want you to know they’re a piece of shit for saying that, don’t let it get to you’ AU

‘Why are you thinking about frogs in space at 4am? I’m trying to sleep and now I’m thinking about frogs in space suits too’ AU

‘Soulmates start to hear one another’s thoughts on their 18th birthdays so happy birthday! I guess’ AU

‘You keep thinking about how much you want to hurt yourself and I really don’t want you to go down the path I did, it’ll get better, I promise’ AU

‘You should just go ask them out, you’ve been thinking about them all day every day for months and it’s driving me nuts’ AU

‘Hey soulmate, whoever you are?. I’m bored waiting for class/a bus/train, wanna chat?’ AU

‘I don’t know why I’m helping you break into a house but their safe is under the left bedside table and the code is 1982. You’re welcome’ AU

‘You’ve been studying for 16 hours without a break, please go get some food or something, I’m concerned about you’ AU

To whoever is still following me:

Thank you for sticking with me through my totally unintended hiatus. So much has happened and I’ve been through a lot. I have had two surgeries on my left eye and a third one is being planned if the next series of injections don’t work as well as expected.

Ian Bohen in episode 104 of Yellowstone.

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Bonus: