he broke up with me a month ago. he said he wasn't in love anymore.

these last 31 days have been... unpredictable. The first few days after the break up I was so pathetic and vulnerable but I suppose that's normal. I started to already feel just a tiny bit better two days after. The next few weeks were very up and down. Grief comes in waves.

I dont regret anything. I loved him wholeheartedly, so deeply. I now know that im capable of such love. And I know I can survive heart break, even though im still going through it.

What hurts the most is not him falling out of love. That doesn't actually hurt at all for some reason. Maybe because I was falling out of love myself. What kept me in the relationship was all the good times, I think. And when he broke it off... suddenly I had to say good bye to all of it. All the warmth, intimacy, smiles, love. Being one half of a partnership. I think back now and I cry. I loved him so much. He loved me so much. It was so beautiful, and oh how my heart aches now. I loved him so much. I loved him so much. He felt like a piece of my body. And from one day to another. With a few words... he was a stranger. The guy that I loved died in a moment.

And he was my friend. I talked to him every day. He knew every inch of my body, and more of my soul than most. It just... doesn't feel right. Being with him had felt like the stars aligned. Suddenly the night sky had become so dark.

I know it's for the best, though. We are too different. We do not want the same things in life. The future seemed to be a scary place. I always knew there would be an end to our love story. I just didn't expect it to come so soon, so sudden. I guess I just hoped I would be ready.

Well, a lot has happened in these past weeks. I am already dating again. I know... what am I doing? I just cannot let myself be in these sad, self-pitying feelings. I need to get out there.

I have already had sex again. 2 weeks ago. With the guy im dating. He is sweet. Maybe I could fall in love. I just want to fall in love again. Maybe I'm naive. I just need to know I can fall in love again.

Work is going pretty good as well, uni could be better. The world is my oyster. Or I try to let it be.

My life has become better since we broke up. There's just this simple fact that makes everything seem kind of... meaningless, or not enough. The simple fact that I, despite trying to run from it... I miss him.

I just need to give it time.

long time, no see.

I am writing here because I don't know what else to do. I was thinking about writing in my diary but that didn't feel like enough. For some reason, screaming into the void that Is Tumblr has always helped me. so here I am once more.

Things have changed. I have a boyfriend now. My first real love.

You know how people say that a relationship not only teaches you about love, but also a great deal about yourself. yeah. that is definitely the case here. and its, for the most part, ugly.

see obviously I know that I have and have always had problems and troubles and what not. I mean, look through this blog and you'll be blinded by all the red flags. But, being in a relationship has truly made some of my issues come to the surface and I feel at lost.

I would like to go to a therapist but I don't have the money nor the time. So left I am with feelings, emotions and thoughts that are making me go crazy. I try to air them out to my boyfriend, but I am always left feeling the same or maybe even worse after. That is not on him, he is so sweet about it, I am just so messed up ("how could I open up", "I am bothering him", "he thinks of me differently now", "I am so dramatic", "I am too much", "how could he love me" how could someone love me how can I let myself be loved when he will inevitably leave me and ruin me in the end because I am such a mess and

anyway, let me try to start somewhere.

We have been together for almost 5 months, dating for 6 months. The first, I would say, 4 months of knowing each other, he was so attentive. texting me every day, saying sweet things, being both so very physically and emotionally intimate with me. Oh, how in love I have been. It felt like the stars finally aligned. As I remember it, I felt pretty secure in our relationship in general. I was anxious here and there, but im sure that's normal, especially in the beginning of a new relationship.

The last few months... he has changed. I confronted him today. See, he has been texting me minimally, it's always me who asks him when he has time to do something together, I am always the one who reaches out. And that hurts. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. He doesn't love me anymore. At least he loves me less. He is not in love with me anymore. Or else he would keep all these things up, right? If you are still head over heels in love with someone, you would want to be with them all the time, or at least not less than you used to, right? These thoughts make me feel nauseous. I get an actual visceral reaction. My appetite has plummeted the last weeks because of all of this. And that, is especially scary to me....

And I have been conflicted. On one side, his lack of interest makes me want to reach out more, pull him back. But then I think, no, that is just gonna make him want me less. No guy wants a clingy, needy girlfriend. On the other side, I feel like pulling away. This way I can protect myself, be prepared for the inevitable doom of our relationship, and also test him, see if he really cares. If he starts trying to pull me back. Show him that I don't really need him. Hurt him.

This conflict eats at me constantly. I don't know what to do. What would a healthy, normal person do? Confront them, probably. And that's what I did.

I told him how I felt he had me reaching out way more than him, how that made me feel neglected, how I miss his texts and all of these things. He listened and didn't pull a defensive stand, just listened. He told me that he just wasn't in the honey moon state anymore. that he didn't feel like he had to text me all the time to keep my interest, that he feels comfortable now in that he loves me and I love him.

That makes sense, right? That's reasonable. If it isn't natural to him to text anyone all day, and he only did it before because he was "courting" me, it makes sense he has changed behavior now that we are in a quote-on-quote "stable" relationship.

That makes me feel taken for granted, though. So what? He doesn't feel the need to put in extra effort into our relationship to make me feel happy and wanted? Because now he has me, so he doesn't need to invest time, energy and love in me anymore? What kind of bullshit is that.

The truth is, it doesn't matter what he says. He can tell me that he just have been feeling really bad the last 2 months because of something completely unrelated and therefore has been acting differently and he still loves me to the moon and back and I would still doubt him.

Because I don't trust people. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust their true intentions. I don't trust what people tell me. I don't trust that they're being truthful when they say they love me. That they aren't just doing it to please me, to not hurt me. And that includes my boyfriend. He said multiple times doing the call that he loves me, and it's like.... it barely even registers. It's like noise. Like, what do you really think? How do you actually feel about me?

I don't know how I got like this. My parents are great. They really are. They haven't fucked me up. I have a theory that it might be my first best friend that might have fucked me up, but I don't know. I don't know if it matters.

Ultimately, I am scared that I am gonna fuck up this relationship. I love this man so much, and I want to break up with him because of this. There are too many feelings involved. It's hard, impossible, to detach. I am so vulnerable. all. the. time. it's exhausting. But I love him, and I want to be with him. Maybe he is the one, who knows. But I don't want my neurotic ass to be the reason we break up.

I have been feeling so lonely the past month..

I am now studying at university. The actual classes are interesting and honestly I enjoy being busy and having a lot to read and everything. It makes the dark thoughts go away. But I’m still left with a pit in my stomach that has grown up into my chest like branches that sting my insides with every move.

I feel alone. And hopeless. And most of all powerless.

I have tried - so hard - to create a connection with the people from my class. I show kindness in every way, smile when people look at me, laugh at their ridiculous remarks, never leave them hanging. I am the person who will look at you when you are talking when everyone else doesn’t seem to hear you. I let you know that you matter and I want to hear what you have to say.

But no one is willing to do that for me.

I hang out with people and they seem to like me just enough. But not enough to invite me to stuff.

I don’t get it. Is it something I give off?

I seriously don’t get it which makes it even worse. If I knew the problem, I could fix it.

And it makes me furious. It makes me want to ******* ****** **** ***. Why? WHY? WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? WHY AM I NEVER IN YOUR THOUGHTS? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? TELL ME? TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The light side is called that for a reason but the dark calls to me. Love leaves you, everything leaves you, serenity is a lie. My anger never leaves me, I will salvage it, anger is my ally, will be my fuel because it’s all I have it’s all I have left and my hatred will never leave me like you did it is my soulmate and I will make sure you feel it’s undying nature when you look at me and only see yourself looking back in my eyes that won’t be windows but mirrors LOOK AT YOURSELF, FEEL THE GRIEF BECAUSE IT IS ALL YOU WILL GET FROM ME FROM NOW ON IM DEAD AND YOU KILLED ME

I’m afraid I’m getting bulkier. I’ve been working out for years, but I just started karate so it’s a bit more intense now.

And I love being stronger.

But I crave being skinny and fragile.

Torn. Torn.

Wanna starve but I know that it comes with more than a thinner body. Setbacks in so many ways.

Stop stop stop I tell myself. Stop you’ve come so far.