Sasha

To anyone wondering why it’s been months since i’ve been active, things haven’t been really good for me for a while. I keep going in cycles of getting worse than better, worse than better, again and again. I stopped posting because i felt like a liar preaching healing when i couldn’t even heal myself. My ed has honestly been ruining my life, my friendships, my relationships. No matter how small i’ve gotten it’s only made me feel worse. I honestly wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I spent so many years making rules and punishing myself for breaking them that i’m struggling to learn how to live again. I want to post again though because i want anyone else going through this to know you’re not alone, and recovery is possible, it’s just a lot of work.

I don’t want to do any of that cheesy promise to eat for me today bs, so instead promise to forgive yourself a little today. Just a little, because you deserve the forgiveness you yearn for.

I’ll start, for me seeing Cassie in Skins made me feel triggered. They made it seem cute and like something that didn’t overall hurt her very much. Almost like a quirky personality trait.

On the other hand seeing Patty Bladel in Insatiable made me feel seen. Although my ed is restrictive and hers isn’t, seeing her relationship with food struggle and the way she reacted with triggers and how much it affected her life made me feel seen.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN DIE, YOU CAN FUCKING DIE

Sure an ed seems super glamorous, right? Very Kate Moss and 2012 Lana Del Rey of you, right?

Well at first, it is kinda fun, it feels rebellious, dangerous, and heh, you drop a few pounds too.

But then one day you find yourself in the kitchen stuffing your face and you can’t even remember why you’re doing it. Then you forget what it means to eat normally, you only have two modes, restrict and binge.

You either become dangerously underweight and scare children, or you cycle between loosing and gaining the same five pounds again and again and again.

Suddenly it’s not fun, but you can’t stop. You have almost no freinds either because you’re so obsessed with food that pushed everyone away.

You spend your days cycling between obsessing over food and obsessing over your scale.

Your metabolism is permanently slowed, and even if you recover chances are you will overanalyze food for the rest of your life.

It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it.

I promise.