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wtf this is MY timeloop u can't be in here

wish i never short changed that groundhog witch now

You’re really good at origami holy sh

i learned it specifically to make these for this exact situation 

Aren’t you the same bitch that gave your sister $100 dollars in nickels?

same bitch

Yeah, neither of these things happened 👍🏼

and here i thought a 25kg bag of bird seed for someone who had just gotten one (1) canary was OTT

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

*squints* is that a motherfucking EVENING PRIMROSE?!??

*Puts hand over gaud’s mouth* It’s a butterfly pea. Please ignore the Latin name.

must have been a woman that found them, most guys have no idea where to look for a Clitoria

think I've been mildly cursed by a witch

for years now my laptop charger has reliably broken every 6 months. admittedly i keep replacing it with the cheapest possible generics, but I've tried differed brands and ALWAYS, 6 months in Death knocks impatiently at my door, its skeletal hand outstretched demanding yet another goddamn power cable. the only feasible explanation is i pissed off a witch. the alternative is that i'm the problem, which seems unikely

the witch is called enshittification

excellent so is this like a rumpelstiltskin situation or

to break this curse you need t ritually set fire to Elon Musk

they're doing overhead music in planes now im gonna start shooting hostages

dont do that Gaud, the overhead music makes you a hostage

no see i want a miniature bear. miniature

this!!! precisely this!!!! i shall put them in a little hat and teach them to hold a teacup with their pinky paw extended. marvelous!!!!!

if the Tibetan Mastiff is TDB, may i suggest a Chow Chow? they are lovely (at least, the one i had was, but he was deaf as a post)

*remembering the band bare naked ladies contains no ladies* call me back when they transition

They're also fully clothed.

One life change at a time

also contains no bears

how, exactly, are people supposed to afford these new depression drugs? most people already have to choose between 3 packs of instant ramen for 4 days of groceries or paying rent

stop derailing with Jesus's foreskin, this post is about God's genitals ONLY

isnt god called the father THE SON and the holy ghost, implying he is all three at the same time? if true then the rings of Saturn would indicate that yes, god has a penis

wishing everyone a very Remembering You Have Good Leftovers In The Fridge

There are no ducks in this post.

BUT did you check the fridge

randomly hitting all those Anatidaephobiacs out there

vampire with the ability to put humans in thrall but they use it solely to make viral asmr videos

you are feeling sleepy. you are feeling sooooooo relaxed. you are going to like and subscribe for more content

thrall flash mob, 200+ people all start the thriller dance with no idea why

so what you're gonna do is you're gonna trim the top off a bulb of garlic, using the knife's edge to take off the tip of every individual clove, that's important. you're gonna place the garlic face-up in a square of tinfoil, drizzle with olive oil, wrap completely in foil, place in baking tray, repeat with a copious amount of garlic bulbs. you're gonna put that baking tray in an oven set to 375-400°F, for 30-50 minutes, until soft and browned. you're gonna toast some good bread, slather generously with butter and honey, maybe a tiny lil bit o' salt. and then. you're gonna SQUEEZE. OUT. THAT. ROASTED GARLIC. onto the butter honey toast. and you're gonna eat it. food stolen directly from the plate of the gods. that's what you're gonna do.

we'v had normal cooking shows, we've had BDSM dom cooking shows, we've had kiddie cooking shows, we've had gay furry cooking shows, we've had truly unhinged cooking shows, but we havnt had pinstripe suits and tommy gun cooking show, this is a massive gap in the market that needs to be filled

"strangling", yeah sure, hes "strangling" the bird, thats what hes doing, and not anything else

uh oh forgot to take the Pill That Makes Me Sane

lotta people in the notes also forgot to take the Pill That Makes You Sane...

I read this as "The Pill That Makes You Santa" and had a long puzzled sit on what that would mean.

TESTOSTERONE??????

tell me more about this pill that makes you sane

bears have no right to be as cute as they are

i should also mention that a female jester was referred to as a “joculatrix,” thank you that is all

PLEASE GIVE ME FRUSTRATED KNIGHT X AMUSED JESTER WHOS TAKEN AN INTEREST IN TAUNTING THEM ESPECIALLY 

ART PROMPT

isnt that just harley and ivy on an average friday?

everyone jokes about the pope's hat but most people don't know it actually serves an important purpose! evolutionary threat display to assert dominance against rival bishops

a healthy pope can spray holy venom up to 40 feet