Starlit Scars {Nessian Oneshot}
She is not who she pretends to be.
She puts on a show, pushing everyone away until she is completely isolated. She can’t push me away, though. I won’t allow it.
She’s out on the balcony, underneath the stars, gazing at them in awe as if she’s never seen them before. She looks like a goddess in her newfound form, although she looked like a goddess in her human form, too. Her golden-brown hair hangs down her bare back, her ivory gown hanging loosely from her neck. The starlight outlines her pale shoulders, her thin arms that rest on the balcony’s edge.
She’d curse me if she knew I was watching. But, I can’t stop. I’ve told myself to walk away, to go do something productive, but I’ve been sitting in the same spot for much longer than I originally intended. Rhys and Az think I’m foolish for being so fond of the girl who’s spent most of her life so full of hate and disdain, but I see a different side of her. I see beyond the walls that she has built up. I see the girl who wants to be set free, but doesn’t know how.
I shift from my spot on the couch and instantly regret it as it creaks. Nesta spins around, her face already in a scowl.
“Lovely night for a stroll, isn’t it?” I ask in the most charming voice I can muster.
“How long have you been sitting there?” she asks.
Thirty minutes, at the very least. “I just sat down.”
“You don’t believe me?” I stand to my feet and strut towards her, slowly. “I wasn’t watching you look at the stars as if they’re the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. I also wasn’t watching you bathe in the starlight. And, I most definitely was not listening to you hum to yourself.”
She snarls, baring her teeth at me.
“I like it when you turn animalistic,” I smirk, stopping only a foot away. “Gets me every time.”
She rolls her eyes. “When will you realize that I prefer you leave me alone?”
“Oh, I’ve realized. I’ve ignored it, but I’ve realized.”
“Goodnight, Cassian,” she sighs, beginning to step around me.
I reach for her hand, gently brushing my fingers along her palm. I expect her to jerk away, as she usually does, to keep going, but she doesn’t. She stops.
“Why do you do that?” I ask, keeping my voice low as if she’s an animal I’m at risk to scare away.
“Do what?” she whispers back. I can hear her heartbeat quicken. I’ve broken a barrier. A small one, perhaps, but one nonetheless.
I choose my words carefully. “Push away. Make yourself miserable when you have the option to be happy.”
“With you?” she asks, hesitantly.
I’m so taken back by the question that it takes me a moment to respond. “With me. With anyone. Just…happy.”
Just when I think she’s done, that she’s about to walk away, she faces me. “I have learned with time that it is easier to keep to myself than to be let down. Dealing with grief, with loss, with disappointment….it does more damage to the heart than if I keep my expectations low. Than if I keep my distance.”
She must see the pity in my eyes, because she quickly looks away.
I try to get her to look at me, but she doesn’t. “You deserve better than that, Nesta.”
“You say that now,” she shakes her head, golden-brown strands falling into her eyes. “But, one day, you will change your mind.”
This time, when she takes a step, I grab her hand and pull her back. “How can you say that?”
She pulls away, but doesn’t walk. She returns to her spot on the balcony, looking over Velaris. “I was supposed to be their protector, Cassian. I’m the oldest. I watched my mother die and my father turn into a broken coward. I sat there as we lost everything. I couldn’t hunt. I couldn’t sew. I couldn’t make money. I couldn’t provide or protect us in anyway. I resented Feyre for years for doing what I couldn’t. We looked to her to eat, to sell in the market for even the smallest of goods. I lost Feyre long ago, and I tried to do for Elain what I could. I was ready to marry a man I had no feelings for in order to gain even the smallest amount of joy, of belonging, of comfort. I should have been there for them. I should have learned to protect them. I let Tamlin come into our home and take her away, and now look at us! I let them down. I let them down.”
I watch her fight with herself, with her emotions that she has been bottling up. I rest my elbows on the balcony’s rail. “It wasn’t your fault, what happened to your family. And, if you ask me, Tamlin taking Feyre was the best thing that could have happened to her. It led her to us. It led her to Rhys. You may still be unsure about this life, but if you gave it a chance you may realize that it’s not all bad. You’ll have a better life here than on the other side of the wall. Hardships will still come, but they can be conquered. Elain will get used to it, too. She is still herself, so full of life and innocence. I can tell. I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You are worth so much more than you realize.”
I look at her then, to find her already watching me. Her lips are slightly parted, and her blue eyes are misty. “I have always wondered what it would be like to have a man say the things that you say to me. To look at me as you do.”
I laugh, breathlessly. “And?”
“I don’t know,” she laughs, and the gesture suits her. “It feels odd. Overwhelming.”
“Don’t expect me to stop.”
“I didn’t,” she says, quietly. “It’s not all that bad.”
I must look confused, because she explains, “Being Fae. I don’t think it’s awful. I don’t think any of you are. I see why Feyre fell in love with it here, with you all.”
I blink. “Who are you and what have you done with my Nesta?”
Her scowl returns, though not as brutal, as she pushes me. I grab her hands before she can retract them and pull her body into mine.
Once again, I expect her to push away, and when she doesn’t, I have to convince myself that this is real.
Her arms wrap around my waist, and I rest my hand on her cheek, using the other to push her hair behind her ear.
“I’m scared,” she admits, barely audible. I have never heard her voice so fragile. I have never seen this side of her, and the more I think about it, I don’t think that anyone has.
“Of me?” I ask, resting my forehead gently against hers.
“Of this life,” she says, “of being happy.”
“Let me in,” I beg. “Let me help you.”
I kiss her then, gently, reassuringly. Then, her lips meet mine in a tender collision. I have dreamt of this moment, thought about what it would be like. My hands search her body and she doesn’t stop me, doesn’t push away. She pulls me closer, moves her hands underneath my tunic, her hands cool against the heat of my body.
I push her back against the balcony’s railing, my lips finding her neck, my body responding to her soft moans. I can hear her heartbeat, the beautiful sound of excitement and love. I wonder if she can hear mine. I wonder if she’s listening. She runs her fingers through my hair, pulling gently.
“Nesta,” I groan, hands sliding down her back, down to her thighs.
She brings up my chin, kisses me gently- once, twice- and pulls away. “Goodnight, Cassian.”
As she walks away, I must look dumbfounded, because she smiles- a real, genuine smile. “I can’t give you everything tonight. I have to keep you waiting for something.”
I watch her leave, into the townhouse, her ivory gown flowing freely behind her as she disappears around the corner.
I think about following her to her room, but I don’t. My lips sting, still tasting like her. As I try to even my breathing, I face the city of Velaris. The stars shine bright as people stroll the streets together, enjoying the freedom they have here, but all I can see is the smile of the girl whose walls are finally falling down.
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