Sarah Nicole Smith

I have worried about this day happening, basically my whole life.

A baby is a blessing.

But you don’t deserve her.

You don’t deserve that precious baby girl.

I know people can change, but when hardly any consequences were given to you, I don’t think I’ll ever truly believe that  you have..

{Pedophilia} “the sexual perversion in which children are the preferred sexual object.”

“An estimated 20% of American children have been sexually molested.”

I told you when i was around 13 that i had already forgiven you, but i didn’t. It took me till about a year and a half ago to realize you’re still effecting me, or i’m still letting you effect me. Working on forgiveness has been an interesting ride, but forgiving you is for me not for you.

The day, Christmas, is getting better each year. Randall really helps with that.

I’ve hand written you a ton of letters, never intended to send, but just as therapy, but this is different.

<Abandonment> The action or fact of abandoning or being abandoned.

Blood, it means that you’re related, but it does not mean that you are family; betrayal by family stings worse than all others, it breaks a sacred code.

“They say blood is thicker than water. It’s also more treacherous, prone to betrayal, full of shit, and quite honesty, I wouldn’t put much weight into it at all.” -Ashley Lorenzana

You have been my biggest heartbreak of my life so far, and I have been through a hell of a lot. When you left, and it became silence, that was you telling me I wasn’t enough. That you didn’t want me. I’ve spent the last ten years comparing every relationship to that, always thinking I’m not enough and wondering why anyone would want me. I have never in my life thought I was good enough for a guy. Now I’m married, to an amazing and very patient man that helps me, and that loves me, and shows me the truth.

I thought whenever, if-ever you came back to us that it would be a great thing, but i hurt all over again. I’ve never stopped,but it goes up and down depending on which big life event you were missing at the time. You’ve missed everything, all of it... And you’re back now, but you still don’t want me.

I’m learning to let you go. To let the anger and hurt go. Not for you, but for me. A guy,Ken, once told me that forgiveness is not for the person you are forgiving, but it is for yourself. It is to release that pain from your heart.

I will forever wish that things were different in life and that things turned out different, but we can’t change the past.

I AM ENOUGH.

I’ll love you forever.

Some people love the holidays, others hate it, few feel neutral.

It depends on the year for me, honestly,but I am always either in the hate or neutral category.

My Christmas was ruined when i was a little girl by a boy who was “family.” My innocence was taken away that year and year year since I am reminded of that and of him and of how he has a happy and full life and marriage now with an oblivious wife.

Every year, around the same time,November-ish, I always want to write him a letter; or his wife. One year my sister tried to warn his wife but she had changed addresses. I used to feel it was my responsibility to tell her, to let her know that her husband is garbage,but that isn’t my place or my responsibility. Last year i wrote him a letter, for myself, i didn’t send it and i won’t.

I recommend that to anyone dealing with forgiveness issues. Write it out. I learned, around this time last year,by a very important man, Ken, that FORGIVENESS IS NOT ABOUT THE ABUSER. FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU. And that couldn’t be more true. Forgiving your abuser is for yourself, to heal your heart, your wounds and your mind.

The past few years i have been improving more than ever,last year i had extra help. And my love, Randall, helps me so much. He calms me and makes me sure that everything is okay, he makes sure i feel safe.

Randall and I’s love has helped me heal and work through a lot. I can’t wait to spend forever with him.

This Christmas, it’s my last one at home, i want it to be special and not ruined. I can’t control my PTSD but i can prepare for it.

I am looking forward to the day when we have kids and Christmas is a happy day again.

And to my cousin, A....

“ I hope you're somewhere prayin',

I hope your soul is changin',

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees, prayin'

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh

Someday, maybe you'll see the light

Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give

But some things only God can forgive. “

The scale and i have never been friends, it has always told me that I’m not enough.

The world, or Hollywood, has such twisted views on what Beautiful is. The “average” woman is a size 14, not a size 0.

I remember i used to wish that i could just cut my fat off of my body, even when i lost weight, I never felt enough. That’s when my good friend depression would show up and “confirm” in my mind that I wasn’t worthy; I wasn’t good enough. This culture is highly based on looks, if you don’t look a certain way then you aren’t good enough or special and that’s disgusting.

Freshman year of high school, it was my first time going back to school after being homeschooled for a few years, I went to a private school. I was a size 8 and i was in the top three biggest girls in the entire school. At a size 8. And people noticed, boys especially, there was no boyfriends that year, the boys at that school all said i was too fat for them.

I feel people are always saying girls are “too much” of something. Too emotional, too needy, too sassy, too bossy and worst of all, too fat

I didn’t start to learn to like my body until this year, at 23 years old. Not at 13, or 16, or 18, twenty three.

I want to somehow save my.future daughter from this pain. I want to teach her to love herself. No matter what.No matter what a dumb boy says, no matter what the magazines say and what the models look like; everyone's body is different.

At one point in time, for a while, i weighed myself everyday, worked out everyday for hours, would punish myself for eating something bad, and still hated my body. So, I decided to do things differently and to start loving my body first and getting healthier, not worrying about the number on the scale.

After all, it is only a dumb number.

January will be four years since i graduated from Paul Mitchell...and today i had the worst/most emotional day as a hairstylist.

I was doing a perm on this young girl, only 13, i could see pain in her eyes before we even began to talk. She didn’t even want a perm, her mom wanted her to get a perm so that she would “look like the rest of the family.” So my first instinct was that she was upset over that. I wasn’t mentally prepared for what was to come. 

When her mother left for a bit she immediately asked me “are you familiar with this middle school?”(the one she was going to the transferring to) I told her that i was not too much; so she told me why.....This precious 13 year old was raped in the bathroom of her school a few weeks ago by another student. She was suspended for a week while he was only suspended for two days. Her mom is trying to press charges, her doctor/therapist told her he could not help her with her mental health needs and that she needs to see someone else. This little girl is just broken; and she broke me telling me her story. I told her i hope that she gets justice and charges get put against him; it will not heal her,but it will give her a sense of safety. 

You see, i was that little girl, i was younger than her though, and my first abuser was a family member, on Christmas Day.But i didn’t start to really deal with it till i was older, late teens, honestly i still deal with it..... I know the emotional roller-coaster she is about to embark on and i wish i could just take it away for her.I barley know this little girl, but what i do know is that boy took her innocence away, he took her feeling of safety and security away. I know all of heartache is about to endure, sadly her journey is just beginning.

I hate that this is the reality of our world today, young girls and woman of all ages suffer everyday because men,boys, can’t control themselves. 

It’s disgusting.

I pray to God my future baby girl will never have to go through the things i have in life,but especially this, it ruins you for the rest of your life in a way that i can’t fully put into words, not yet at least. 

I know that part of being a hairstylist is listening to peoples lives, it is such a bittersweet feeling; I am honored they trust me to tell me their lives,but times like this is the bitter part. 

I know i’ll have more experiences like this in the future and i hope to help a few people along the way.