i don't mean to be a bitch - well, yeah actually I do.

SAM: what is wrong with the impressions??!

SAM: people enjoy them. i'm one of the only people around here that can do them.

SAM: what do you have against iconic voices?

BLAINE: I don't know.

BLAINE: Okay fine. I have a date. Saturday night. I want to look like me still. But like, a really good, hot, version of me.

BLAINE: Will you help?

SANTANA: a date, huh? look at you go.

SANTANA: i'll come over on saturday morning. i'll style you something hot from just what's already in your wardrobe. sound fair?

I can see that for you, yeah.  Yeah, well I’m the one living my life right now and I’m telling you, cute is not what a 16 year old boy needs to be.  

Yeah.  I’ve always found the song haunting.  The lyrics feel… powerful.  C’mon.  I can do both.  And I’m not the worst person to share the spotlight with.

Well, what do you need to be, Blaine? You think those little sweaters are getting the local twinks all hot and bothered for you? Because if you really want to be sexy, don’t you think I’m basically the expert on that around here? Sure, you might not have boobs to help you out, but you’ve got a great ass - only, no one knows that, because they’re too distracted by the bow ties. 

kitty: am i joking?

kitty: i mean... obviously.

kitty: why, you're interested in my body?

BLAINE: ....affairs? This is hardly an affair.

BLAINE: Thanks for that.

BLAINE: Sprucing me up? How?

BLAINE: I don't really see that happening.

BLAINE: It doesn't matter.

SANTANA: well, what else would you call it?

SANTANA: change up your look. something less... i don't know, the old guy from up?

SANTANA: 🙄🙄

Oh right, forgot about that for a hot minute. I’ll keep thinking of ways to make sure my angelic voice is given enough attention during the festive season, it’s only fair since Jesus is my homeboy… but I was under the impression you kind of liked being on the naughty list. 

Honestly, it’s getting to the point where I’m just thinking about starting my own glee club, one that has just a singular rule - no Rachel Berrys allowed. And honestly, maybe no guys allowed period, not just the chicks with man hands. Who wouldn’t want to vote for a bunch of hot girls, right? We’d have every competition in the bag. 

I don’t necessarily like it, but I’m not planning on changing anything to get on the nice one, so... Besides, as it turns out, the lists are a bunch of crap anyway. It’s all about whose family’s got money, how you behave doesn’t mean shit. Or how hot you are. Then again, that’s just how the world works period, not just in the holiday season. 

kitty: do i need to offer my body?

kitty: KIDDING

kitty: what do you want??

santana: i mean

Oh, I thought it was All I Want for Christmas is You.  I mean, it would be the most interesting serenade.  But we can duet on Santa Baby.  I think you’re mistaken on who would want to see it though.

Less secular actually.  A haunting version of Silent Night, or Oh Holy Night.  I mean, the line “ Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! “  deserves more credit.  

My second favorite. But, come on, a song all about asking Santa for bling? It was practically written for me. Oh, please. Even I can see how cute you are under all that hair gel, and I’m all lady, all the time now. 

BLAINE: No. Because it was a genuine nice thing.

BLAINE: Ew. Brain bleach please.

BLAINE: Yeah well your skills have to work with my karma.

BLAINE: Are you talking a specific guy or any guy will do.

SANTANA: ugh. what's with you guys and all your little secret affairs? don't you trust me?

SANTANA: you can borrow some of mine.

SANTANA: i'm just talking about sprucing you up a bit and putting your best qualities forward. sort of like selling a used car.

SANTANA: we'll find some twink that's down to take you for a spin.

As the only one in this godforskaken school who has truly earnt the right to celerbate the holy season in all it’s glory, I can wait until after Thanksgiving. But like, can we just put all the Jews in their own Hannakah group for Christmas? Puck and Rachel can just belt out ballads to each other all month while the rest of us get out own Christmas micale: A break from Rachel Berry. 

Yeah, pretty sure putting them off in their own little group became uncool after World War II, so I’d be careful with that suggestion if I were you. The break from Rachel doesn’t sound half bad, though. If you can think of any ideas on how to make that happen that won’t get me on the naughty list... or, at least, aren’t illegal... let a girl know, okay? I’ll be more than happy to make that happen. 

FINN: i’m just saying. you looked hot.

FINN: do me a favor and if you took any pictures just crop them?

FINN: i don’t think it had anything to do with my junk but i did get to kiss someone... and it was pretty awesome.

FINN: that’d be sick but... there’s gotta be some girls at mckinley who also like girls, there’s no way there’s not.

FINN: oh btw i have a kinda awkward question to ask you.

SANTANA: did you expect anything less?

SANTANA: i'm glad you liked my look, though.

SANTANA: crop them to just your bulge? got it.

SANTANA: is it someone that i'd care about you kissing? someone interesting?

SANTANA: oh, there is, but i'm not about to settle. i'm a ten, finn. just because i don't have as many options, it doesn't mean i'm about to hop in bed with a four.

kitty: can you cover for me with sue tomorrow?

kitty: tell her i can't come to practice because i'm getting a... cervical smear or something.

BLAINE: The person who had my underwear. They wouldn’t talk. So no, you won’t find out.

BLAINE: This is a testament to the horrible day I’ve had but... continue.

BLAINE: How does a girl showing me off get me laid?

SANTANA: you're really not going to tell me who, huh?

I’ll serenade you with your favorite holiday bop on the 20th in thanks.  I’m personally leaning towards some of the beautiful, less secular classics.  

My favorite holiday bop is Santa Baby, but I already have dibs. Then again... I kind of want to see you do it. And I’m sure a lot of the guys in glee club feel the same way. Maybe a duet is in order? 

BLAINE: ...nevermind.

BLAINE: Ah. Pass. Thanks though.

SANTANA: no, come on, dish.

BLAINE: No. I'd prefer if he forgets the whole incident honestly.

BLAINE: I don't see the person who had them talking. *shrugs*

BLAINE: ...elaborate please.

SANTANA: fair enough

SANTANA: the person who had what?

FINN: ...your boobs.

FINN: why would i want everyone at the party to see my junk? that doesn't even sound like me.

FINN: no action?

SANTANA: oh.

SANTANA: but that wasn't any different than the usual, really

SANTANA: besides, most people at that party have already seen them

SANTANA: your junk being shown off was pretty different, though.

SANTANA: maybe you're trying something new, who knows?

SANTANA: how'd it work out for you?