Walking Corpse

I woke up depressed again.

Gonna take a shower try and wake myself up.

I feel better.

Tonight I’m having a sleepover with my sister and her friends. We all used to be roommates last year during my first year of college.

I haven’t done anything today. Just kill time playing video games and watch tik tok.

Since I don’t have much to say today I’m going to put a question out there. I don’t know whether I attract crazy guys, am attracted to crazy guys, or drive men insane. I think it being a combination of all of them is a real possibility.

I’m at the house hanging out with my sister’s friends and we’re deciding on what scary movie we want to watch.

We’re watching incantation which is supposed to be very scary, but who knows. I’m easily scared, but I feel somewhat desensitized to fear now.

It was scary, but not as much as I expected. I liked the twist and the end I felt like it was decently surprising. I could probably do a more in depth review if you guys would be interested. I’m not sure why I’m acting like I have an audience I don’t think a single person has seen my sort of diary posts.

I accidentally deleted it so here I go again

TW! SELF HARM TW!

I gave into cutting again. I wanna say it was a lapse in judgment, but it wasn’t. I had planned it. I wanted to cut so I found a time I could get away with it. My boyfriend is gone for the weekend and I wasn’t supposed to see him yesterday so early in the am I cut some. Not too deep I wanted it to be mostly gone by the time he came back.

I went to sleep late, but woke up early anyway. I started doing my Astronomy homework, but it was really difficult. I tried to ask the guy I knew for help he told me I’d be better off googling it. I don’t know if he also didn’t know or just thought I was straight asking him for answers. He also said he was emailing the dean of students about her suddenly giving us a midterm. I decided I’d go to my teacher’s office hours.

Only problem is since my boyfriend’s classes were starting late he came to visit me that morning. I just decided that we’d stay upstairs and clothes would stay on. He grabbed my hip (where I cut) through my clothes, but it didn’t hurt to bad. He couldn’t stay long so I was safe.

I didn’t know what to do while waiting for my teacher’s office hours so I sat around drew some watched tik tok played video games basically just killed time.

I then went to her office hours and she was really helpful worked through it all with us and listened to us when we brought up our concerns about the sudden mid term. She decided to change it into just being a quiz and put the PowerPoints back up! She told everyone on announcements. The dean ended up emailing that the issue had been resolved. I’m glad it turned out alright I wouldn’t want her to get in trouble.

I has dinner with my family we ordered Ethiopian food. It was pretty good.

Ingredients:

Bay leaf

Cinnamon

Ginger

Allspice

Salt

In fire safe container mix together: Cinnamon, Ginger, Allspice, and Salt

Next get a bayleaf and write down your intention in my case to pass those upcoming tests. Fully burn bay leaf. Mix or further grind in a mortar and pestle. Be sure that as you fallow these steps that you have the right mindset. Think about your goal maybe even repeat affirmations in your head. For affirmations make sure they are positive and in present tense “I am passing this test”. You can fallow these steps the night before. If opting for the jewelry method now is the time to put in a piece of jewelry you’ve cleansed.

The morning of the test you want to take your jewelry out and put it on. I recommend using it on your skin for full effect. Rub mixture into skin with cotton round where you’d apply perfume. Maybe even carry some with you in a spell pouch or jar. Whatever is you’re preferred way of doing spells.

The power went out last night so I didn’t write much at the end of the day.

I woke up before my alarm at like 5:30 am. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. I just laid there. Once it was time to get up I got ready and put the spell on.

Took my first test and I feel pretty good about it. I studied some beforehand which helped. I probably could’ve done better if I wasn’t busy studying for my dreaded American Government test.

My Astronomy class that was chill before took a change of tone. My teacher freaked out that so many people did badly on the homework and decided that she was going to give us a midterm. She was also taking down her PowerPoints so we’d have to pay attention in class. I was planning on studying more for American Government, but instead I was furiously taking notes. I didn’t see the guy from last class so I texted him letting him know what went down. Apparently he was in class just somewhere else.

I took the American Government test. I feel weirdly confident though I knew nearly nothing on it. Probably just cause I hyped myself up so much and told myself I’d do well.

I got rained on I planned on finally getting those poke berries after work, but it started pouring rain and the wind kept blowing my umbrella inside out. My dad got into traffic so I had to sit waiting for awhile. Thankfully the storm hadn’t made it to the suburbs at least not yet.

I saw my boyfriend because he’s gonna be gone for a few days he took his emissions test then went to his house and had Chinese food with his family. After eating we had a good cuddle and I almost fell asleep. I went home after that ended my day on a good note.

TW! SUICIDE, MEDICATION, IMPLIED ABUSE, IMPLIED SEX TW!

Woke up depressed. I was running late so I got my dad to drive me rather than take the metro. I showed up in time for work. We opened and it was mostly empty like normal in the morning. We had someone come in to use the track saw. Normally no one uses our power tools. It was a chill shift. I showed up for class though and only one person is here. My class was pushed back an hour so we’re just sitting here on our phones.

I’m thinking of going to the market next door they have restaurants and stuff. I’m a little nervous to go though. Maybe I’ll go check it out. I don’t know crowds and strangers and new things make me nervous.

It was fine, similar to other world markets but less of a selection. Some things were at good prices, but others were way out of my price range. I sat around and waited for class once it started he gave us the information for our new projects. We’re making some out of wire using contour lines. A later project we have to plan ahead for us making a larger object out of many smaller objects. I have a decent concept for the latter. I plan to make a pill bottle out of those chalky heart candies. It’s supposed to symbolize how a relationship that on the outside looked like innocent young love was traumatic and made my mental health so much worse. The pill bottle is supposed to be the heavy medication I’ve been put on due to my mental illness and the candy hearts are supposed to be ‘young love’. I made some sketches for my concept on my iPad.

I went back to work it was alright. I spent most my shift at the front desk. Things were pretty smooth expect the 3D printers were acting up. I did some studying for my upcoming American government test at work.

The longer I stand waiting for the train the more I think I jumping in. I don’t want to do it. I feel a pull to do it.survived a whole 8 minutes waiting without jumping… New Record! It’s too bad I won’t get a prize. I got off the train and some man started telling me how beautiful I was. I didn’t really know what to do I just stood there and said thank you. He went on telling me I looked like 15,000 dollars and asked me questions. Do I have a boyfriend? What kinda car I drive? How old am I? Saying that he loved white girls and that I could be making 500 dollars a day being someone’s girlfriend. It was uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do I just stood there meekly till I decided I had enough and my dad said he’d be there in a minute. I walked to our meeting spot and he was there seconds later. I’ve never had a guy come up and pursue me like that. Maybe that’s why he did it. Sad meek white girl that’s never had attention in her life down on her luck having to take a train. That’s not exactly me, but it’s not too far off. I’ve had attention from guys just not like that. The guys I date I don’t know what possesses them, but they become obsessed with me.

I went to my boyfriend’s house and we hung out… nothing else… but anyway. I ate with his family and was reminded that his mom’s birthday. His mom is kinda mean sometimes so I try to stay on her good side. She gets me things sometimes so I feel like I have to make her something.

He started driving me home and it was apparent that the power for my neighborhood had gone out. I was planning on studying, but I couldn’t do it in the dark. I studied what I could on my phone and decided to do a spell. Just one for luck and success. I got it ready for the next day and went to sleep.

TW! SUICIDE, EATING DISORDERS, SELF HARM, MEDICATION, MURDER, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS, DISSOCIATION TW!

Fucking thinking about jumping on the tracks again this morning and I’m running late for class.

I tried to open the wrong door over and over to get into class. It was embarrassing. We have a test coming up which I’m a bit nervous about but other than that class was good. He lectured on Classical Greek art which is a topic I’m personally interested in.

Next class was Astronomy we also talked about a topic I was interested in. I’m not much into Astronomy, but I am interested in the moon. Today we covered moon phases and tides. We had to get into groups and the guy next to me scooted over and shook my hand and introduced himself. Kinda strange, but I think he may be foreign. I’m not attracted to men on first sight often, but he was good looking with long hair and a sculpted face. It made me uncomfortable that I found him attractive since I am very committed to my boyfriend. Anyway he was nice and seemed to know what was going on in the class. He asked for my contact information for studying reasons and I obliged. I hope any attractive to him fades so I don’t have to feel uncomfortable about it.

My friend for the class I am about to start isn’t coming. I don’t know if friend is the right word more like friendly acquaintance. He helps me stay on track in this class. Without him I’d probably fail. I just can’t pay attention this class is so boring. I’ve learned about American Government so many times and retained none of it. We also have a test coming up in this class and I’m not ready.

Class reinforced my beliefs that I am not ready. I need to study a lot. After class I went straight to work. It wasn’t too busy. Since it’s not too busy I studied a little. I’ve been drawing and 3D modeling today. My earbuds are alive so I’ve been listening to music, mostly hole. It’s raining and I’m not looking forward to walking to the train station in the rain. I wish I knew I’m aura or something I wanna know if people that are psychic (or claim to be) can tell what kinda person I am immediately.

The rain stopped, but I had my umbrella out in case. I thought I heard a guy yell out of his car “girl it’s not even raining” but I had an earbud in so I’m not sure. I passed the same poke berries again. I should pick them to turn them into ink. My old pokeberry ink turned brown.

I got to the station and there was an ambulance; I wonder what’s going on.

I ended up impulsively tex my ting my ex. My worst ex the one who abused me without a shadow of a doubt. I try to act friendly towards him. Pretend so that I can get information. If he continues to abuse people I will get my revenge. If not he can carry on. Anyway I asked him to look into BPD since he showed most the symptoms when I knew him. Apparently it was suggested to him by the doctor as a minor but they can’t diagnose under 18 since most of them grow out of it. I on the other hand obviously still have it and show symptoms.

We ended up talking and I asked him about a memory I had. He had told me he was thinking of killing me so no one else could have me. I inquired on this and was able to jog his memory. He had felt me slipping away from him so he thought of doing exactly as described. It was not an intrusive thought like I had more thought out as I feared.

The memory put me in a funk I remember the fear I felt in that moment. I want to cry to run I feel like I’m trapped like I’m being watched. I want to cut. I feel as though I have left my body nothing feels real. I thought I heard something it sounded like a radio, but nothing was there. I need to wash off my makeup but someone is in the bathroom.

I weighed myself this morning and my weight was slightly lower it’s probably water weight but it gave me a rush. Maybe the spiral is coming.

TW! MEDICATION, PTSD, WEIGHT LOSS, SMOKING TW!

Today has been alright so far. I slept well on the air mattress. I don’t remember any dreams. I woke up my friend cause I didn’t want to leave with the door unlocked but since she was awake she offered to give me a ride. She dropped me off at school. I stopped by the library to print out my lab for the day. Then went to work on campus. It was pretty dead.

Then I went to class. We had made wearable sculptures out of cardboard. I participated and commented on almost everyone’s piece. I was the last to go which was a bit nerve wracking. Mine felt somewhat inferior as other people had more complex and detailed creations mine paled in comparison, but wasn’t the worst. Mine was a rose cone you wear around your neck. It was meant to show how love could be suffocating, but people thought the flower looked inviting. The final product wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what I had hoped for. Then I went to my lab it was easy so the class ended early.

My boyfriend wanted me to come over so I did. We didn’t see each other much over the weekend. He asked me to wait for him and I am just chilling with the cat.

We hung out he was feeling down so we just cuddled. He got triggered (like ptsd triggered) by me smelling like cigarettes which is odd cause mg friends smoke cigarettes but they only smoked around me outside. I had to wash my hair to get the cigarette smell out. His parents came home late since his mom had just come back from a trip. We had pizza together and it was pretty good. I don’t know if it’s the meds change but I don’t feel so ravenously hungry anymore. Maybe I’ll loose the weight. I’m starting proactive too so let’s see how that goes.