jesse

Baby-Sitters Club, this is Mallory. 

Hi, Mrs. Rodowksy. No, sorry, I can’t come tonight, first of all because I’m eleven, so paying me to care for your child would be, like, a really questionable parenting choice, & also second of all because these other bitches don’t let me babysit at night because I’m eleven & also because Kristy Thomas says so.

Kristy Thomas? No, she can’t babysit tonight either, Mrs. Rodowsky, first of all because she’s busy telling everybody else they’re bad at things & second of all because your kid is a nightmare & always getting hurt & ending up in the hospital and shit, which maybe wouldn’t happen if you didn’t hire babysitters who were eleven.

Dawn? Dawn’s not available tonight, Mrs. Rodowsky, she’s throwing everyone’s food away while scowling & then judging her mom for trying her best.

Stacey is free tonight, do you know she’s from New York? Oh actually turns out she’s not in the Club anymore, Mrs. Rodowsky, sorry, it changes literally minute to minute and I forgot to ask.

Mary-Anne is busy being everyone’s least favorite character by having an aggressively dull personality, sorry.

Claudia would love to come, but unfortunately she trapped herself under a pile of Dibbly Fresh Vintage Clothes  & Dried Vegetable Jewelry She Made Herself. 

Abby? How do you even know about Abby, Mrs. Rodowsky, no one read that far. Did you know she has a twin, Mrs. Rodowsky? so did I, that’s all I or anyone else knows about her.

Jessi could come over, except for she’s also eleven and not allowed, and also she has better shit to do than hang out at this shambley “business.”

Did you know they made me take a test to join, Mrs. Rodowsky? Did you know they made me tie a tourniquet? Do you know how to tie a tourniquet, Mrs. Rodowsky? Do you know under what circumstances an eleven year old should tie a tourniquet, Mrs. Rodowsky? Zero. Zero circumstances.

Did you know I have seven younger siblings, Mrs. Rodowsky? Do you know how loud it gets inside that house? Did you know most of the time you use a tourniquet, you end up sacrificing the limb? But what’s one arm in eight messy bodies, Mrs Rodowsky?