Untitled

"Relic"

The crowd rose up in waves, loud voices thundering around the atrium. They looked like toads, Kilder thought. For no other reason except that their mouths gapped so wide to allow for their shrieking screams and their faces were scrunched up so tightly in varying expressions of fury. And Kilder tried not to hate them. Theresha’s voice still rang in his ears from this morning. “They deserve nothing from you, Kili. They are children. You are a warrior. This will be a good death. Go proudly.” But he had seen the shine of her eyes right before she had turned away to let the guards escort him out. 

He had said nothing. As silent as he was now, staring down at the jeering crowd, almost manic in their bloodlust. 

I’m pulled back to life by the ringing in my ears. 

And I’m up and readying for work. 

That’s it, it’s done. 

It should be over.

Then why do I still hear its ring? 

Following me through the halls of the store, 

distant and muted, but there. 

It’s constantly sounding a warning of threat, 

but when I look around, my eyes go unmet. 

There’s nothing to fear, I keep saying. 

Like a mantra looping in my thoughts.

It doesn’t stop my heart from jumping, 

each time someone speaks from my back.  

I end up more tired than I started,

eyes glazed on my ride home from work. 

Yet when I rest on my warm comfy pillow, 

my muscles refuse to relax. 

It’s when I start tossing and turning, 

that I realize the effort’s a waste. 

Sleep will continue to elude me, 

so instead I’ll resume the chase. 

I’ll escape to a world not my own, 

where I know the pain isn’t real. 

Where I focus on demons of fiction, 

instead of the ones that are real. 

Yes, they will wait for me when skies darken, 

there when I cannot run. 

But at least for now I’m protected. 

Some are quick to cry.

Some are quick to leave.

Yes, sadly, some are quick to die. 

But even though they left swiftly,

they are slow to leave our hearts.

For though it was a quick greeting,

that’s how each friendship starts.

And ours will last forever,

not something death can break.

It’s too slow to reach ‘The End’,

so the idea of leaving just won’t take. 

Even so, I’ll miss you right dreadful,

every day that I don’t hear you speak.

But each tear that I let fall down my face,

these simple words I just repeat.

Some were quick to anger,

while you were quick to love.

So I’ll be quick to show them,

Tell me of richly colored meadows,

each blade dusted softly with sun.

Tell me of wind gently teasing,

the ends of my hair when I run.

Remind me that I used to smile.

Remind me that I used to laugh.

Because I’ve forgotten those stories.

And sad at nothing

And scared I’m showing it all.

I look in myself

And see an empty bookshelf

Of all the words i left unsaid.

And When I close my eyes

Leaving only relief and silked sighs

I find nothing but darkness in dreams.

They wretch my soul

Hands on my wrists and feet they pull

And maggots they shove down my throat.

No rest for a saint

Whose been pulled down from those pearly gates

And now rests as a sinner in Hell.

But rest I wish for

And dream of in waking moments

And whisper into the iced wind.

To be with you once more

To rest from this constant bloody war

To fall into your arms and sleep.

To smile again

Find the hand of a friend

To snack on blushing cherry reds.

So I’ll pray and I’ll sow

And raise my face to the sky 

And wait for the lily white flakes.

Soft kisses on my nose

As the snow gently blows

That’s when I’ll know it is done.

The red peels away

And your with me to stay

Now is your time

Now is your moment

To take your chance

Face your opponent.

Cause the world won’t wait

For you to get your crap together

Come on cupcake,

Time to see can you weather the weather.

Put on your big boy pants, play big

The rodeo plays rough, ‘ll snap you like a twig.

If you replay replay all the mistake you’ve done made

You’ll never come out of that place where you’re always afraid.

Now I know you’re scared, aren’t we all

But this world wasn’t made for us to feel small.

You’ve got to find that place deep within

That says “Hey I’m the star, not just someone’s stand-in.”

Get off the side lines

Make your mark!

Cause these are rough times

And we all need YOUR spark!

Courage don’t run smoothly in our blood

But we ain’t afraid goin’ sludging through that mud

Cause it’s better than sleepin’, and waitin’, fearin’ all the time

If it’s that or up, imma do that climb.

Cause no matter the exhaustion, sadness and pain,

Keeping my feet on the ground is what’s drivin’ me insane

So reach up, reach up, dream bigger than before

It’s the end of the line for me.

I’m a husk 

Empty

Shattered

One lonely spider dangling on a string.

What happens when the legs break and silk crumbles?

Hang on, it cries to itself,

But not courage, not will, can stop that broken little spider from falling.

And fall it does

Down 

Down

Down the drain broken legs and all

Not a sad fate though

For the spider simply was too small

Too small and the world too big

Its fate was set from the very first breath 

The moment its young legs touched the ground.

I can only feel bad for the spider that tried

To exist in a world built for the grand.

Farewell child

Farewell and good luck

Pray you don’t leave behind hate and pain and hurt

That they will forgive you when you go

For your broken legs could only hold you so long

That rocks could tumble and fall

That the world melts into fountain of shifting shadows

When your skin begins to crawl.

Words tumble from your lips in scattered puzzle pieces

And I’m lost again in the violence of thought

That starless sky awaits my lonely return

Return to solitude, return to sender, return to my home

It is a house of forgotten miracles

Memories cursed to disappear

It is my past and future

It is the demon that chases my across the stars

It holds my hope and dreams in a net across its shoulder

Dangles them in front now and then

This is the house that I died in yesterday

And the house I will die in tomorrow

Cause I have been dying in there for quite some time now

Alone in the darkness

I am trapped there,

And each door Death awaits

Why do I open the doors?

I should stop.

But I don’t because an ember is not dead, 

Not yet

It remains alive through the years of smothering and starvation

So stubborn I wish it would leave

It hurts

It burns

But they say it’s good

They say it keeps me from giving up…

And I hate them all the more.

Would you give me a moment to think 

To feel

To spend one moment right here.

Cause this world’s blinding, it’s just anger and fighting

And I’m losing myself to the smoke.

Cause I’m taking all the hits that aren’t meant for me

But no one runs to help me cause I’m falling suddenly.

I’m lost, they lost me, and I’m running out of time

The walls are filling up with filth and grime.

I’m no longer clean, a dark stain on the wall

I need help desperately but too anxious to call.

This is all a dream, I need this to be a dream

So I can wake up and finally stop my endless scream.

I died last night and now live in a blur

My only friend, the mind’s dark whisperer.

Where is thy faith young wanderer?

I’m lost and alone

No place to call home

Just a carousel spinning ‘round.

The rain coming down

Falls without sound

With rings spreading on their way.

It’s all my eyes can see

On a merry-go-round

Calling me down the way, here we go.

Find my by the bay

Where the rose petals play

The breeze lifts me off the ground.

And full of the sun 

Watching leaves as they run

I slowly fall back awake.

Keep still for me please

Frozen ice in the trees

Wait while I rise up from the day.

The darkness holds air

Cause I’m with you right there

I’ve taken all I can take

The bones I have, the bones that break

And it’s all just come and gone

And I’m barely holding on

I’ve lost all I could lose

The heart that was, the heart has bruised

And the songs gone out of tune

I wish to God it weren’t so soon

Cause the moments got away

And I’m chasin’ for some other way

I can have my happy end

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

Shattered into pieces

Given up for dead. 

A pain that never ceases

All thoughts are born from dread.

Wisk me away to a better place,

Where words do nothing but sing.

Where time is asleep, and not in this chase,

Wishing, dreaming someone would find me.

And then you did.

Knowing in my heart, it won’t last, you’ll leave me.

And then you did.

Wanting you back, scared you’d find someone better.

And then you did.

Still hoping of a future where you came back to find me.