Doctor Who, Star Trek, Star Wars, Marvel, DC, Good Omens, Phineas and Ferb, Sherlock, Percy Jackson, Supernatural, BBC Merlin, The Witcher, The Hobbit/LoTR, Night at the Museum, Hamilton and Harry Potter
#okay but consider #when it is off and its just the hilt #and so you need to get even closer to your opponent #but the threat of it still activating is still very much there #so now here you are #practically in the personal space of your opponent #you can see the sweat and anger in their brow #the hatred in their eyes just *that* much clearer #but you with the unactivated lightsaber #making it seem as if they aren’t AS MUCH of a threat to you #has ALL of the power on your side #im just saying this is far more of a power struggle than normal
@pocketchina you can’t just leave this good shit in the tags!
I know this is old but the astrophysics in me is vibrating. Also consider that LASERs’ damage potential depends on their power. By the point of functional lightsaber capabilities, you could almost definitely tone down the power to the point that it will not damage someone’s flesh within a short period of time.
Firstly, it’s very likely not producing any fluorescence and definitely not any plasma at this point so it’s almost, if not completely, invisible.
Secondly, all they’ll feel is a gentle warmth slowly growing. What’s more intimate than that?
Thirdly, if it’s the right amount ot power, you have a finite amount of time to hold it to your opponent’s chin until it it burns their flesh. You know exactly how much time you have but they may not. They have to go off the warmth alone. They may not know if you let it go on until the last possible second of if they showed you mercy.
Fourthly, you could crank up that power at any moment.
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Bruce asking Hal to go to dinner with him because 'no one else wants to go with me and please' and Hal being like fuck yea man, free food and I'm in, I'll even wear a suit if you want me to
Only before they make it to dinner Hal stumbles across all of these documents about marriage and rings and weddings and getting officiated and licensing and he goes to Bruce and is like 'wow who's the lucky lady? just kidding you don't have to tell me but wow man this is like super detailed and kinda crazy- wait do the others know? Am I excluded from knowing? Is it one of the others? whats-" and just goes on this long spiralling rant only for Bruce to scream
"HAL!" And sigh very, very deeply before going "It's for you. I wanted to ask you to marry me." Because yk marriage of convenience so he was just doing pros and cons and researching if it would work and Hal stares at him for a moment and is like
"Top five least romantic proposals ever, dude."
And Bruce stares at him and very, very flatly goes "I was going to take you out to a nice restaurant and ask you just before dessert arrived but someone had too many questions."
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Tony: [pinching bridge of his nose] Peter isn't my son. What would make you think that?
Clint: Any kid who can stand you has to be of your blood
Bruce: and you literally refer to him as your kid
Tony: yeah causes he's my kid but he's not my kid kid
Nat: this seems unnecessarily complicated compared to just admitting to having a son
Tony: He's not- how many of you thought Peter was my kid?
Everyone raises their hands
Tony: Rhodey?? You too? You would know if I had a kid!
Rhodey: I just assumed it was a down low kind of thing. That I wasn't supposed to mention it you know?
Tony: I- Peter put your hand down
Peter: But-
Tony: You know I'm not your father
Peter: No, you don't
Tony: Yes I do. You look like your dad. You showed me a picture of him!
Peter: Well you don't need to be blood related to-"
Tony: I'm not adopting you
Peter: But I'm an orphan!
Tony: You can't use the orphan card, you have your aunt May
Peter: ...But-
Tony: No shush, you are not convincing me to adopt you.
Peter: :(
Tony: Now-
Clint: Why won't you adopt him Tony?
Thor: Yeah, you must undertake the orphan
Tony: He's not-
Rhodey: Look at the poor kid, have some decency Tony
Peter: 🥺
Nat: we all think you should adopt the kid
Tony: what- No. Guys I'd be a terrible father
Steve: You need to take responsibility
Tony: I- what? How is he my respon- what is everyone talking about???
Bruce: How could you say no to him? He is clearly in need of a guardian
Tony: He has a guardian-
Peter: I think May would be willing to make you my second guardian
Tony: Put your hand down, Peter. This isn't happening
Bucky: *mumbles*
Tony: [squinting eyes at Steve] What did he just say?
Steve: He said that you probably feel like you'd be a bad father figure to Peter because of your own father. But it's okay because you're better than that
Tony: ...he did not say that
Bucky: [nods] yes I did. i said that
Tony: [throws arms in the air] You guys are impossible!
Part 3 of if Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lived together
Part 1 Part 2
-
Mission debrief:
Thor: Don't feel bad Banner, I mean is there anyone at this table who hasn't killed somebody?
Peter: *slowly raises hand*
Natasha: Don't worry you're still young
Peter: 😟
-
Steve: Has anyone seen my shield?
Clint: *points outside*
*Peter, Thor, and Bucky playing frisbee with it*
Steve: I guess I'm not saving those orphans today :/
-
Clint: Tony I said seedless watermelon, are you trying to kill me?
Tony: You're a big boy, you aren't gonna choke
Clint: No but it might... grow
Tony: Oh please don't tell me you still think watermelon seeds grow inside your stomach if you swallow them
Clint:
Pietro: Bro got a licence to kill but still has a Jack and the Beanstock level of education
-
2:34 am
Tony: *leaving Steve's bedroom*
Sam: *leaving Bucky's bedroom*
Tony:
Sam:
Tony: Let's never speak of this?
Sam: Yep.
-
Steve: Tony, you're the smartest person I know. You understand anything you set out to study, your passion is remarkable, innovation beyond anyone on the planet, and an incredible memory
Tony: Thank you thank you
Steve: So why do you STILL NOT CLOSE THE KITCHEN CABINETS
Tony: Uh
Steve: SOME OF US ARE TALL TONY. SOME OF US HAVE BRUISES ON THEIR FOREHEADS BECAUSE OF THIS NEGLIGENCE
-
Tony: Goodnight kid *tucks Peter into bed and kisses his forehead*
*Clint, Vision, Thor, and Dum-E waiting outside the room*
Tony: Oh come on. All of you?
*nodding*
Tony: Vision you don't even sleep. Dum-E I am not kissing you again you gave me chemical burns last time
Dum-E: *lowers head and whirs sadly*
-
Bucky: Don't sit so close to me
Sam: Why, cause I'm black 🤨
Bucky: No because you smell like ass sweat
Sam:
Sam: Why, cause I'm bl-
-
During training:
Natasha: *flips Steve and slams him onto his back*
Peter: Woah! I wanna know how to do that
Natasha: *flips Peter and slams him onto his back*
Natasha: Seems like you already know how
-
Tony: Okay Merida, you and me, darts for a hundred bucks. My suit vs. your freak self
Clint: I'll take that bet
*7 minutes later*
Tony: I have advanced AI targetting technology. SUPER. SUIT. How did I lose?!
Clint: It can do a lot of things Tony but at the end of the day it can't super suck this di-
-
Bucky: Sam's in medical so I'll do the mission debrief with you
Natasha: That was fast, I thought you'd still be coddling your boyfriend the rest of the day
Bucky: What. How do you know about us.
Natasha: I don't, it was a joke...
Bucky:
Natasha:
Bucky: Damn you really are good at interrogation
-
Bruce: I've taken up puzzles as a hobby. It's actually really relaxing
*Box is missing the last piece*
Bruce: *sighs, erases the 61 under the 'Days Without Hulk Incident' sign*
-
Natasha: Kings
Bucky: Go fish. Sevens?
Natasha: Nada. Fives?
Bucky: Shit. Here
Sam: I thought y'all were playing poker, are you for real playing Go Fish?
Natasha: Our pockets got cleaned out so we quit. The poker game is over by Steve
Peter: HAHA SUCK IT OLD MAN, AMERICA JUST WENT BANKRUPT *pulls giant pile of animal crackers to himself*
-
Steve: Do you want to play catch?
Wanda: What?
Steve: Um. Do you want to watch Hannah Montana?
Wanda: I don't even know what you're talking about
Steve: Maybe I could show you how to brush your teeth?
Wanda: Steve you're really scaring me
Steve: The article said to do it together! *shows phone*
Wanda: Are you getting parenting advice from wikihow? Did you even read it or were you just skimming the pictures
Steve: ...Well why'd they put toothbrushing in the photo if it wasn't a good bonding activity?
-
Sam: Why are your titties so bouncy man. Is it to deflect bullets?
Steve: What did you just say about my chest...
Sam: Hey I call em as I see em, and they're staring right at me.
-
Peter: Yo Mr. Stark wanna see a backflip?
Peter: Oh Cap come see my front handsprings
Peter: Natasha watch this aerial cartwheel!
Tony: Why did you tell him you were in the circus. Now that the idea's in his head all he does is jump around and cause noise complaints from downstairs
Clint: C'mon it's cute! He's talented
Bucky: I'm gonna tell him it doesn't count because he has superpowers and that he's a cheat
If Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lived together Part 2
Read Part 1 and Part 3
Tony: Why is Underoos mopping the ceiling?
Sam: Told him since he's sticky that's his chore
Bucky: It's only fair he helps out around the house
Tony: Hm. Makes sense
-
Vision cooked dinner:
Peter: *pushing around food to make it look eaten*
Natasha: *surreptitiously spitting into napkin*
Steve: *taking small bites with tons of water*
Bucky: *just stares at full plate*
Tony: Well this is disgusting, I'm ordering pizza
-
Sam: C'mon man stop moping around, you gotta get yourself a girl
Bucky: Ok.
Sam: Ok? Okayyyyy! I know-
Bucky: Give me your phone
Sam: Oh you got a number in mind already hotshot? *hands phone over*
Bucky: *ring* Hi Sarah ;)
Sam: BOY-
-
Peter: Ned thought you would seperate your colours from your lights but he also thought you'd be homophobic so I don't pay him much mind cuz clearly I'm more of a superhero expert than him but he does have a 2% better average than me in history so like maybe you do hand wash your clothes and that's why I asked what underwear you wear because-
Steve: *listening intently with apprehension and alarm*
Natasha: I can't believe you found the one person on Earth who talks more nonsense than you
Tony: I know right, it's incredibly unnerving. I'm planning on adopting him
-
Peter: Mr. Stark I have to tell you something. I think Vision is a... *whispers* pervert
Tony: Um, why?
Peter: He keeps floating through my room without knocking! He saw me changing, he saw my nipples !
Tony: Well if anyone's a predator here it would be you. I mean showing your nipples to a 2 year old? Deplorable.
Peter:
Peter: Oh god, I'm the pervert...
-
Bucky: Y'know animosity isn't good between teammates. I think we should spend more time together
Sam: Am I being punked right now? Where's the camera
Bucky: I'm serious. I think it would be healthy for us to bond
Sam: Okay fine I'll bite... what did you have in mind
Bucky: Wanna go for a run?
Sam: *slams door in Bucky's face*
-
*staring at Bucky's sparkly clean metal arm*
Bucky: Dishwasher?
Peter: Dishwasher :)
(later that day)
Bucky: I've decided to let the child live
Peter: YoU wHaT?!
-
Thwip
Tony: Who took my coffee cup, It was right here
Thwip
Bruce: Um, has someone seen my book? I just had it
Thwip
Steve: I could've sworn I was holding a pen a moment ago
*giggling from the ceiling*
Tony: Young man I will take those webshooters away if you use them for shenanigans and rascality
Peter, muffled: Mr. Hawkeye told me to!
Clint: Oh so you're just gonna rat me out like that?
Peter: Sor- OOF
*falls out of ceiling vent*
-
Sam: You're in my spot
Bucky: There are no spots, it's a common area
Sam: Well that's my spot
Bucky: Did you buy the chair??
Sam: No, but everyone knows that's where I sit. Right Steve?
Steve: Oops I forgot something in my car, be right back *leaves*
Sam: Still my spot
Bucky: Still not
Sam: *sits on him*
Bucky: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL THE COUCHES ARE FREE-
Sam: IT'S MY SPOT YOU CAN'T TAKE A MAN'S FAVOURITE CHAIR-
BUCKY: YOU HAVE ISSUES GET OFF ME-
(one hour later)
Steve: Hey so turns out I don't have a car! Isn't that funn...
Sam & Bucky: *Squeezed awkwardly on the chair together*
Steve: I think I left something in my car
-
Steve: Leave the bedroom door open when you have Vision in there
Wanda: UGH you're so protective
Tony: Teenagers, am I right? Caught Pete reassembling my particle accelerator at midnight because he needed to neutralize a miniature nuclear bomb he nabbed off some guy he neglected to tell me was trying to kill him
Steve:
Steve: Wanda y'know what do whatever you want
Wanda: Really?
Steve: Yes just keep being normal. At least I can read about our issues in a parenting book
-
Thor: Ah, new warriors I see! Good to make all your acquaintance. But why are you so grumpy my friend?
The team learns about Peter's stress baking fairly quickly after he moves into the tower.
"Why does this place smell like cookies?" Tony asks suspiciously, "Pepper put an end to homemade care packages after that Cap incident."
Steve protests from the dining table. "Hey, that fan seemed totally normal. Y'know in my generation you do not mess with baked goods, that's sacred."
Natasha pats his back comfortingly as she joins the conversation.
"They came from the kid. They're actually pretty good, here."
Nat hands a still-warm cookie to Tony, who bites it curiously.
"Damn, it melts in my mouth like buttery ambrosia and still has a perfect crunch around the edges. Is that a nutty aftertaste?"
"Yes!" Peter yells from the other room, a clatter sounding before his head pokes around the wall, oven mitts still attached to his hands.
"I brown the butter, it really deepens the flavour!"
"Good on you kid. What's the occasion?"
Peter stutters, "uhhhh, no occasion. I just like cookies!"
He disappears around the corner again, and Tony sends a confused glance towards his teammates.
Steve shrugs his shoulders, mouth still full of cookie, and Natasha sends him an arched brow. Tony isn't sure what that means, but feels intimidated enough to exit the room anyway.
* * *
The baking lasts the rest of the week, until Peter comes home yelling, "I aced my calculus midterm!!!" running out of the elevator with a stapled set of papers in his hand.
"So no more baking?" Nat asks neutrally.
"Nope! Woohoo!"
Just like that the kid is gone, jumping down the hall towards his bedroom.
Tony looks at Nat quizzically.
"It was midterm week. He baked 3 dozen cookies, 2 types of muffins, and a cheesecake."
"So he stress bakes?"
"He stress bakes."
* * *
It becomes a "thing" in the tower.
Sam eats toast from freshly baked bread one morning while watching Bruce quiz Peter on his upcoming AP history test. Each slice is cut, toasted, and buttered to perfection by Peter while he explains sectionalism in the 20th century.
* * *
Bucky grates carrots while Peter mixes a bowl of dry ingredients furiously, the boy mumbling to himself non-stop.
"Has he gone insane?" Clint asks from the doorway.
"Spanish oral exam," Bucky replies.
"Ay caramba."
"Tal vez pueda sobornar a mi maestra con glaseado de queso crema..." Peter starts mumbling. (Maybe I can bribe my teacher with cream cheese frosting...)
Bucky and Clint share a concerned look.
Clint approaches the boy, "put down the spatula Pete, let's talk about this."
Peter looks up in alarm.
"In English! Just English!"
* * *
"What's up kid? It's spring break, what could you possibly be stressing about."
Today Tony walks into a full kitchen; Wanda, Natasha, and Pepper are occupying the space while Peter pours something creamy into a metal bowl.
"He's asking MJ out tonight, so he's making cookies and cream ice cream in case it goes wrong." Natasha crosses her arms when she replies to him, eyes focused on Peter's mixing.
"Does ice cream even count as stress baking? The very meaning of 'bake' is to put under heat. But I suppose it does feel wrong to call it cooking."
Peter looks up, his brown eyes large and sad like a baby cow, "I still baked the cookies from scratch."
"Yeah he's a real Nara Smith!" Wanda adds enthusiastically.
"Oookay... I'll pretend I know what that means. And since when do we have an ice cream maker?" Tony points to the fancy hardware out on the kitchen counter.
"Oh, I got that for him. We lacked a lot of the tools for basic baking recipes," Pepper informs him.
Tony ponders how ice cream machines count as a basic baking tool, and decides not to argue with three powerful women and their favourite lovesick teenager.
Peter picks up his bowl and moves it into the freezer, clearing away a couple frozen pizzas and a bag of peas.
"Should I even bother with the cones?" Peter asks with a pout.
"Pete she's gonna say yes! Also if you're wallowing in misery with a tub of ice cream we still want our cones so we can emotionally support you with a crunchy treat," Wanda says with a supportive smile.
The others nod along.
"You're right!" Peter agrees before turning around and grabbing an honest-to-god waffle cone maker, with the cone shaping kit to boot.
"Why..." Tony begins to protest, "y'know what, I don't care. Let me know how it goes kid."
The man is ignored as he moves through the kitchen to grab a banana, the women coaching Peter on his manners, flirting, and first date ideas as he exits the room.
* * *
Thor hums around the delicious treat.
"Mmm. You know young Peter, you could have a shop for your creations. Is there a Stark Industries for baked goods?" Thor asks the young lad, crumbs falling from his mouth as he chews the cookie bar.
"I didn't invent the blondie Thor. I was just trying to explain what it is, a cookie brownie! I did decorate them all by myself though," he says with a satisfied grin.
"Ah yes," Thor lifts up another blondie by the pretzel stick Peter put in the squares, attached with a bit of melted chocolate so they're shaped like Mjolnir, "now you are all worthy of the hammer. Ha! This is funny, I'm sure the others will find your talents equally amusing."
Peter picks up his own mini-Mjolnjr and waves it around, "it is I, son of Odin. Don't worry puny Midgardians, I will protect you with my mighty hammer and beautiful hair!"
Thor laughs thunderously at the impression, clapping.
Bruce walks into the room, enticed by the laughter.
"Ah! My friend, Peter has made edible Mjolnirs so you, too, may be worthy. It's delicious and hilarious. Imagine Banner wielding my hammer, ha! Ridiculous," Thor is all too amused by the situation.
Bruce gives Peter an offended look as Thor continues laughing with himself, the younger just shrugging. Bruce takes one of the treats anyways, pointedly not holding it by the pretzel stick.
"Y'know Pete, have you ever considered opening a bakery? You are quite talented. I think the Avengers alone would keep you in business," Bruce asks politely.
"Well I only like to bake when I'm stressed. That wouldn't be a very stable business model," Peter points out.
"True. Although running a business can be quite stressful, so maybe you'd have a continuous supply?"
"Hm. Efficient and unhealthy," Peter nods like it's the perfect plan.
"Wow you really are Stark's intern."
Thor bursts out into another bout of raucous laughter.
"Imagine Stark wielding my dessert hammer," Thor barely gets the words out, "Stark being worthy-AH HAHA."
Bruce and Peter share a look of wide-eyed alarm before joining in on the laughter.
They all share the moment before Bruce straightens up a bit to ask, "what are you even worried about anyways Peter?"
Peter wipes a tear from his eye, "I forgot to call Aunt May this morning like I always do and she only let me move here if I promised I wouldn't neglect her. So now I'm too scared to check my phone."
"I see," Bruce sympathizes.
"Yeah, baking is good for procrastinating. I pretend I'm being productive while also creating comfort food for after my breakdowns."
* * *
Tony steps into the dining room one afternoon to find Peter slicing apples while Steve sits across from him cutting intricate patterns into pie crust. There is an array of leaves and flowers set out on the flour-sprinkled table.
"So is the ornamentation necessary, or is Cap also developing a delicious self-soothing habit," Tony inquires.
"I was just talking to Peter about pie recipes from the 40s and he asked if I could help make his prettier," Steve smiles up at his companions, "it's actually a lot of fun, I can't say I've ever used food to make art before."
"He's a natural talent Mr. Stark!"
Tony agrees with the quirk of an eyebrow and cheeky sideways nod. He observes for a moment before asking something that's been bothering him recently.
"Pete, I gotta ask. Why baking? You inherited your Aunt's terrible cooking skills, and it's not like you're built for other domestic duties. Your room is a mess. What gives? How are you so... refined?"
Peter pauses his chopping to look up incredulously.
"It's science Mr. Stark. Baking is just chemistry! I'm great at chemistry," he says with a grin.
Tony thinks about it.
"Huh. I guess you're right. So, what has you stressed this time? Girl troubles? You get too good a grade in P.E. and Flash is suspicious? Decathlon competition?" Tony lists off some of his previous turmoils.
He hopes it's the decathalon again, those butter tarts were divine.
"Um. Can I finish my apple filling before I tell you? I'll lose motivation if you start yelling at me..." Peter says with a hopeful smile, strain lying underneath it.
Tony's eyes narrow.
"Okay so I maybe blew up your test tubes when trying to develop fire webs and Dum-E may have covered your entire lab in fire supression foam."
Tony's jaw clenches, "I'm gonna let you stew in fear for a bit longer because apple is my favourite - if this was pumpkin you'd already be squashed - but best believe I'm not done with you yet." Tony slowly takes a deep breath before pointing a finger at Peter. "Never change kid, never change."
Tony leaves, distinctly in the opposite direction of his lab, and Peter goes back to slicing apples, now with a genuine smile on his face.
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@roanokezephyr "Peter makes comments that make the team think he's starving is actually a baller fic idea"
I'll take it one step further, Peter unintentionally makes all the Avengers (minus Tony) think he's a starving homeless orphan, and they're all very protective and trying to get him help/understand his situation, meanwhile Peter just thinks they're really nice people buying him new shoes and lunch.
"Tony, where'd you find the kid?"
"On the street in his pajamas, it was ridiculous. Had to get him a whole new outfit"
Tony does NOT help with this assumption, because they assume he rescued this poor child off the street (and not discovered Spider-Man in a YouTube video). Also dealer's choice of whether or not there's identity porn shenanigans as well, because they could think Peter is just Tony's intern which makes everything even more suspicious.
"Peter you're covered in bruises!?"
"Yeah I had a rough night, street was pretty bad last night."
"Kid why are your clothes all torn up?"
"Robbery. Didn't have time to change so they got my school clothes and backpack ripped up. This is my 3rd backpack this month I don't know what I'm gonna do..."
Peter thinks Mr. Stark told them he's Spider-Man, but the Avengers just think this poor child is getting robbed and assaulted in shelters and in bad neighbourhoods.
They buy him new clothes and backpacks which he's grateful for because he's embarrassed asking May for them.
"Where are your parents Peter?"
"Oh they died a while ago. It's fine I've adapted."
His parents are dead, but the Avengers don't realize he has an Aunt and think he's an orphan who escaped the foster system to stay on the street, because he keeps turning down offers to stay at the tower.
"Peter we have a great guest room, you could stay however long you want."
"Mr. Stark tried to get me to move in too, but I'd rather just stick to being street-level."
Peter thinks they mean move in to be an Avenger, Avengers think he means he prefers being homeless/is scared of help.
"This really nice lady bought me a churro, best day ever!"
Oh god, this kid eats so little that a churro makes his day? (Peter just likes churros)
"Thanks for the burger! I've only had free school lunch today"
We need to buy this child dinner everyday he can't keep skipping meals. (Peter just patrolled after school and didn't have a chance to eat before coming to the tower)
*stomach growls* "Sorry, I get hungry a lot"
Sneak granola bars and apples into his bag, sneak a mini fridge into there !!! (Peter just has a fast metabolism due to his powers so eats meals more frequently)
And then the Avengers start lowkey judging Tony for not like forcibly adopting this homeless orphan kid he clearly cares about. Steve is like “Tony you’re the adult, at some point you have to make the kid accept your help whether he likes it or not.” And Tony’s like “I’m not kidnapping a child, Cap. You of all people should agree with me.”
And Clint is like eh what’s one more kid, especially one in need, and invites Peter to move in with him and Laura and their kids up at the farm. Peter awkwardly yet politely declines, and Clint is like wow this kid just won’t accept help, what gives? But starts bringing some of Laura’s home cooking to work to try to convince Peter to move in, and Peter is obviously super grateful.
From there, things escalate into a ‘who can bring Peter the best food/convince him to move in’ contest. The competition is fierce, meanwhile Peter is just sitting there being like wow I sure do love free food! Which of course only fuels the competition, because the only way Peter could possibly eat all that food is if he were literally starving the rest of the time (Peter just assumed they know about his metabolism and aren’t bringing it up to protect his feelings).
Natasha already knows about Peter’s real living situation and secret identity, obviously, but only because when she first thought he was homeless and starving, she went on a spying binge to try to game the foster system into letting the avengers have him legally. She does not tell the team, nor Peter.
Natasha being the only one who knows what's going on but Peter seems pretty happy with this arrangement and she's fond of the kid, so she just lets it go on.
Tony and Steve start arguing all the time like an old married couple over their child, "what's best for him" "old enough to make his own decisions" "part of the team" "you can afford" "he doesn't want", and the only time they stop is when Peter is around because they don't want to make him uncomfortable.
The team subconsciously all starts thinking of him as their kid. Clint packing him a school lunch like he does when he's home with his children, Steve pats him on the shoulder calling him "son", Tony hogging all Peter's free time because he's "my kid, I found him first", Bruce teaches him stuff in the lab and shows off, Natasha even keeps cooking home meals for him and learns a bunch of new recipes. She likes how happy it makes him (and May isn't a very good cook). Thor smiles sadly and gives Peter a giant bear hug whenever he sees him, like he's some dirty puppy he picked off the street and not a teenager who is safe, warm, and comfortable under all the Avengers' care. The pity is weird but Peter assumes it's an Asgardian thing.
They've practically adopted him already as the Avengers very own. When Peter says he has to go home they bribe him with another serving of food or a movie, because "home" is probably a tent somewhere or a shelter. Peter is the most pampered person ever.
Peter: All my friends are so nice and great cooks! Steve said he got the BBQ out, I can't wait to stop by
Steve: I bet this poor starving child hasn't tasted BBQ since his papa died 😔
He's really having the time of his life and two thirds of the Avengers can't sleep at night worrying whether Peter is cold and hurt rn (he's in bed playing video games).
BUT: Angst potential, Sam Wilson Responsible Sensible Adult enters the chat, is told about Peter by Steve, and therefore contacts the proper authorities.
They know May Parker is registered as his legal guardian and do an investigation into why Peter supposedly isn't in her care, and then things get messy and complicated because they have varying accounts of potential neglect—meanwhile May has no clue what they're talking about. Then these adults are pulling Peter out of class to talk to him about his home life and May and such. They investigate May's apartment, interview his teachers, practically imply she's been neglecting him...
He's terrified that they'll take him away from her for something that isn't true.
Peter stops coming to the tower because he's too busy and stressed out with all of this. Sam says he's probably been put into the system and placed with a foster family, which is supposed to make Steve/Clint/Bruce/Thor feel comforted, but they can't help but be a little sad he's gone. They might have had this stupid idea he'd come stay with them.
Until Natasha hears what they've done. Immediately she knows this has gone too far, and she should've anticipated this when Sam came over in the first place. She tells Tony about everything that's been happening, all the misunderstanding, and he's furious that they might have put May and Peter's relationship in danger (he's also pissed at himself for not noticing just how weird and insistent everyone was about Peter).
“They might have had this stupid idea he’d come and stay with them” omfg my heart!!
I feel like in the end, Natasha and Tony would sit the avengers down and basically explain everything about Peter’s home life. They would feel so fucking bad, and Clint especially would probably die of embarrassment because he tired to basically steal May’s kid.
Unfortunately, all the avengers can do at the moment is amend their statements to CPS and try to be there for Peter in whatever way he’ll let them until the investigation is over.
But the real angst comes when everything is over, and they have to come clean to Peter. They tell him everything, explaining their behavior and sincerely apologizing.
Part of Peter wants to immediately forgive them and get back to his normal life, but after everything CPS put him and May through, he’s not sure he can. Of course, he still goes to lab days and hangs out with Tony and Natasha, but he’s a bit less willing to come to spend time with the team, not sure if he can see the rest of the avengers the same way.
He takes his time. Talks things over with May, with Tony and Natasha.
Eventually, Peter decides that his secret identity was the cause of all this strife, and that the avengers only did what they did because they cared. So one day, after weeks of distance, Peter shows up to avengers training, in his suit with no mask.
“Consider yourselves forgiven. Captain America, do you want to spar?”
The team is utterly baffled, because what?! Peter, Tony’s dorky intern, is Spider-Man?! Ohhh this makes so much more sense, they think as all of Peter’s comments and injuries are recontextualized in their heads.
Peter kicks Steve’s ass. Partly because Steve went easy on his at the start, but also because he got lessons from Natasha and because he’s just that badass. BAMF Peter my beloved.
“I hope this shows I can look out for myself.”
Meanwhile Tony is there being like “Hell yeah that’s my so-intern!” like the proud dad he is.
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Tony going to bed at 6 am crossing paths with Steve waking up for the day:
Steve: Oh hey Tony, you're up early
Tony: Y'know me, early bird gets the worm. And I... am a well adjusted member of bird-ciety.
Steve: Okay then... did you wanna join me on my morning run? It's great, really sets a productive tone for the rest of the day
Tony: Well I totally would except I'd rather be doing anything else
Steve: (• - •)
Tony:
Tony: Anyways, nice seeing you buddy. I'm going to go do some productive morning... lunges... for the next few hours
*Tony pats Steve on the back and goes to his bedroom*
Steve: What an odd morning routine. But this must be why he's so hard-working, always starting early and balancing his day well. I admire his work ethic!
*Walks down the hall and passes Tony's open bedroom door, where he's starfished on top of the covers dead asleep and snoring obnoxiously*
Tony randomly tugging on Steve's shirt and kissing him on the lips mid-rant as a joke because he's annoyed at Captain Righteous always lecturing him, and he's sure the shock of being kissed by a man/his adversary/out of nowhere will finally shut Steve up.
And it does, for about 5 seconds, and Tony is about to smuggly walk away from those wide-eyed blues when his face is grabbed and smashed into Steve's and oh they're actually kissing now—
And that's how Tony accidentally starts dating Steve Rogers (in his defense how was he supposed to know his feelings for Steve were reciprocated when he didn't even know he had feelings for him in the first place!?)
Sammy's Fandom Extravaganza @sammythetoaster - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
