A U G U S T

there is this part of the book i’m reading where the protagonist’s mom said:

"He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldn’t allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That’s the kind of love a woman deserves, Lily."

this made me realize how the love of my life truly loves me.

we got into a huge fight months ago that left a resenting scar in the both of us. the mistake done made it hard for us to forget. every time i feel so sad about it, i tell him. there came a point where he was willing to let me go as he doesn’t want to see me sad and hurt everytime i remember what happened. he’s a part of it, he’s part of the pain. i admit that sometimes seeing him makes me remember.

i couldn’t understand him that night. i was blinded by my understanding that he simply just wants to let go because of the repetitive fights on the same reason that we already talked about countless of nights before.

but i do get him now. he said it that night. he never would’ve let me go until the day he dies but if the relationship is making me miserable, he would be willing to let go. for me, for my happiness.

it’s never an easy task to let the one you love go. it takes a lot of courage and pain. it’s even harder to let go when you know you still love each other madly.

love makes everything bearable. i am loved the way i deserve to be loved and i’m afraid i’ve been taking it for granted.

there is a series of self-doubt and disappointments clouding my mind right now. the future is blurry, the present is forlorn. i want to think i deserve something great and i am meant for something more but i have already tried two times, i still failed. maybe this is where i would sit in this world. my life is meant to stoop this low. i don’t have courage left to try again. im close to thinking it’s not meant for me.

nonetheless, this is what faith is. faith is not knowing what’s next but still waits and believes. faith is trusting for what God has in store. i lean not in my own understanding, God has better plans for me. this might be a cliché christian phrase but it is what i hold on the most.

life is hard. i’m lonely. disappointed. low. but what’s keeping me going is the thought that i have God. i rest in your comfort, Lord. please, please help me.

when will be my turn?

It’s actually the small things that matter the most.

Earlier this morning, I feel so grumpy and sickly ‘cause of the extreme turn of events. I got so annoyed and irritated about it to the point that it affected my entire mood.

My boyfriend bought me the usual breakfast im getting. He also gave me this chocolate. So I asked him “Why? What’s this for?” he said:

“Cuz you’re not in good mood today, this is just a little something to lighten up your mood.”

And i appreciate it so much. It’s a small act of kindness from him and I find it so sweet. It’s a small thing, a piece of sweet treat but it meant a lot.

Cadbury Bubbly is now my favorite chocolate.

finally got to log in my Tumblr account again. im dying to log in here cuz this is my safe haven.

just want to update my life here.

i got a baby dog last October. i got him the same time i had covid. i must say he helped me get through the quarantine week. he became my companion straight away. his name’s Samu. that was the name the owner gave him. he’s already used to it so i decided not to change it.

last July, i had a major purchase as a birthday gift and reward for myself. i bought myself an iPhone 13 lol i didn’t wanna buy it at first but i thought i deserve it now here we are.

anyway, i got promoted last June hence, the self reward haha

there are people at work who keeps on dragging me down. guess what? i didn’t let that affect me. kudos, self for not giving a fck.

by the way, i became a massive aespa fan and T1 fan. if you’ll ask me what i enjoy doing these days, it’ll probably be watching videos of aespa and T1 lol

and yes, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 4th year togetherast October. time flew so fast.

:)))))

is this a never-ending misery? when will this end?

i can't sleep.

I'll slowly start doing the things i loved doing before. I'll try to rekindle the passion i had on reading books, writing poetry, and practicing music. These are all hobbies I had set aside because I grew and my responsibilities grew as well. I think today I've immensed myself deeply on playing games and watching which, in fact, have helped me cope and stride with the flow of life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing but maybe I just miss the feeling of crying over books or writing a poem and playing music because I'm sad.

Tumblr really have been my go-to platform whenever i feel unhappy and quite emotional. I don't know, maybe because I am a stranger here and i feel comfortable enough to be transparent with my feelings.

i think this is the first time i felt that i have my life planned out for something better. the sense of inspiration and motivation is burning, it feels right.

i hope i'll be taking the path im supposed to be at. please, let this work out.

i wanna be that girl that needs no saving,

like im no damsel

but why am i yearning? longing?

save me, be my anchor

i thought i have a happy, easy-going life.