inside my mind: sammy’s digital scrapbook

1.) california - seeing sumatra again, pool days, good eats, grandparents, dodgers game, UCSD campus visit !!

2.) break up:( - learning experience, matured emotionally, experienced my first (minor) heartbreak, my tears symbolize the love i had for him

3.) so many mems made w mia - sleepovers almost everyday, was there for me when i needed her after the break up, laughing 24/7 with her

4.) discovered so many new fav songs - footnote by conan gray, super rich kids by frank ocean, sweatpants by childish gambino, bad habit by steve lacy

“hey, can we talk?

i really didn’t want us to end and i want to try again. i promise i can open up to you more. i’ll let you in, i’ll let you help me, anything, please, just come back to me. i need you.”

as much as i wanted to crawl back and fix what i had broken, i knew i couldn’t. i could never put us through this again. you deserve to be happy even if it’s not with me. besides, it’s pathetic to will for a spark to ignite when the flame has already burned out. 

you had sent me a text saying that you think its best for us to break up and i began to cry. one tear led to another and suddenly i was sobbing as the darkness of my room consumed me. i couldn’t tell you why losing you scared me so much. we were young. we ARE young. too young to love this strongly. too young to know what love is even about.

 when you had walked into my life, i was naive and desperate to experience the fairytale love story i’ve longed for from the moment i first immersed myself in the world of happily ever afters and prince charmings. but the love i dreamt of as a little girl did not exist outside of stupid, immature fantasies. and eventually when the time came for you to leave, we had both grown up and outgrew each other. but nonetheless, i was angry and i was hurt cause what did you know about what was best for us. 

but how could i ever blame you when i was the one who isolated myself and left you to wonder if it was somehow your fault that our relationship was crumbling before our eyes. how could i ever blame the sweet boy that would walk to the ends of the earth just to see me smile. the boy who would simply hug me and let me cry in his arms while he assured me that everything would be alright. the boy who loved me like i was the only girl in the world.

but now, as i think back to how i sniffled quietly through the phone to my mom in the middle of the night, i realize that i want to live in the pain and reminiscence for as long as possible. i want to remember how you, one boy, were capable of making me feel so many things. everything all at once. 

i yearn for the day my heart will no longer sting at the thought of you. but the truth is that i don’t ever want to stop feeling the hurt that i’m experiencing now because once the heartache wears off and my wounds begin to heal, then i’m forced to confront the truth that our story is finally coming to an end. 

i held your love in my hands and let it slip through my fingers. when things break sometimes the pieces are big enough to mend, but the reality is that sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. but when light hits the shattered glass im able to see just how beautiful our love really was, each sliver holding a glittering chapter of our story. 

young love is the most beautiful thing. it is painful, and daunting, and exhausting. but in those bad moments also come moments of bliss. and when you finally break through the walls of affliction, you will find that love can be comforting, and peaceful, and kind. and with the right person at the right time, love can be everything you want it to be and more.